A very good evening to youse. I’m on a light and breezy mode because I burned the remaining horcrux of the 2024 NFL season: my longshot $10 USD bet for Donks Woo! to make the playoffs. I made that bet in August, when the Broncos were bona fide rebuildineers and Bo Nix was the first 30-year-old rookie QB since Brandon Weeden. Well, I collected $60 USD on it last Friday. In sum,
Oh yeah, I’ll crow about that foresight. Because that was the lone hit of several dreadful and unoriginal bets, which netted me around minus $[pending audit] USD over the whole season. I know I know. Three sitty is a considerable amount of money. It should’ve been invested in drugs.
The ‘24 season was tough overall. I wasted at least ten bottles of good-to-great bubbly as salves for WHY IS MASON RUDOLPH PLAYING howls at the sky. Even the punting was bad for the ’24 Tits. Wait,
Even the punting. 
The new kickoff rule: it’s a wonky play. Otherwise, it’s fine. Yes.
Turning to the good, I remember there being little talk about how the Chefs were thoroughly exposed, humiliated, filleted, and straight up ownT at the Owl. It was especially sweet because… A little background first, let’s enjoy this together.
The Chefs entered ’24 looking to three cheat. The rest of the world was jealous and upset, odiously:
From the preseason on, Chefs fatigue only grew. KC victories became inevitable, getting Ws from miniscule margins (Week 1) to refs asking leading questions for the coin toss. And after all the destiny talk and enshrinement, the Philadelphia defense murdered KC’s OL and gameplan. If you hate Patrick Mahomes, the Eagles handed you Christmas, Hannukah, and $30,000 in contraband tech and snacks—tariff this! Damn, the ’25 AFC seems hella wide open. Seems like a great time for Bills and Ravens fans to suffer. Because only one of you can go to the Owl, is all. To be clear: BUF and BAL fans’ bellyaching is pathetic and hilarious, but I was not referring to that. Originally.
NFL NEWS
Well lookee here
-From The Athletic: Touchbacks on kickoffs placed the ball at the 30. Now? The 35, which will enable the Chargers to only take up four minutes to score a field goal. Man those fuckers loved settling for 3s in ’24.
-From TA Parte Dos. Regular season overtime will still be 10 minutes BUT, same format as playoff OT. Which is: each team gets a possession, unless it’s the Jets because they will probably fuck it up. They always do! Counterpoint: Aaron Glenn seems like a serious professional.
-RAAAAIII DUUURRSSs sign QB Geno Smith to two years, $66.5 guaranteed. It’s whelming, right?
-From espen: Chargers sign QB Trey Lance to be Thing 2’s Thing 2. By which I mean Jim Harbaugh and Trey Lance, respectively. No link; irritant punter was on landing page for unrelated video. I’m this 
close to becoming espen deportes only.
-WR Julio Jones retired. Heh heh, no. Wiseass. It was last Friday.
SPROTS TONITE
All times Central
NHL
Canadiens @ Predators – 6:00
Golden Knights @ Canucks – 9:00
SUPERFLUOUS ROUNDBALL
Suns @ Knicks – 6:00
Pacers @ Nuggets – 7:00
Rockets @ Warriors – 7:30
Bucks @ Loomis B – 7:30
TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL
Check your quote legal websites for streams. Home team first, forever and eveL, amén.
Argentina
Argentinos Juniors v. Defensa y Justicia – 6:15
Racing Club v. Banfield – 6:15
Brasil
Santos v. Bahía – 6:30
Colombia
Atlético Junior v. Independiente Medellín – 6:20
Águilas Doradas v. Llaneros – 8:30
Costa Rica
Alajuelense v. Santos – 7:00
Ecuador
Emelec v. Manta F.C. – 6:00
Guatemala
Comunicaciones v. Cobán Imperial – 6:00
Xinabajul v. Xelaju – 9:00
Honduras
Marathon v. Real España – 6:15
Olimpia v. C.D. Real Sociedad – 8:30
Secsi Mecsi
Toluca v. Santos – 7:00
Paraguay
Nacional v. 2 de Mayo – 6:30
2 de Mayo is named for a Paraguayan military regiment, which fought against Bolivia. The club shield celebrates the regiment’s fervoUr for typography:
With and without serif. This varied arsenal was too much for the Bolivians.
Perú
Alianza Universidad v. Comerciantes Unidos – 6:00
Uruguay
Miramar Mansiones v. Montevideo City Torque – 6:00
U.S.A.
Inter Miami v. Tirana – 6:00
Reminder: You can still hate on Luis Suárez (38 
)
FINALLY,
it made me happy that DC is a football town again. Hell, it even reached the playoffs with a rookie QB whose knees were not shredded by the home grounds and careerist coaches—a first for the franchise, I’m pretty sure.
2024 was a tough year for Dan Campbell. First, namesake Quinn became the bigger Dan of the 4th down apostates. Then, the Lions just got too many injuries for a deep playoff run, and Baby Buster returned (assisted by a head owie, if memory serves). That DC @ DET was a car crash of a game, if you wanted good things to the Loins, that is. After that game, the coordinators left to become the Jets and Bears HCs. The only similar talent drain I remember was the Nick Folk Iggles after winning the Owl. Detroit’s was after a Divisionals loss at home (gut punch), after clinching home field advantage (knee to the head).
Detroit’s high point of the season turned out to be Week 18, which was also the lowest point for Sam Darnold. What a season by Touch of Downs. Against the Titans he was slippery and his passes on the run got big gains, fucker. Then the season went on, Vikes’ receivers were not decapitated, and Week 18 was a full meltdown for Darnold. And then nothing in the tank against RAMMITT a week later.
One thing that stuck to me was the Saints’ offensive revolution. It was a thing (source:
), which lasted two weeks. But during that time, I got to crow about picking Alvin Kamara for my fantasy team. I refuse to be a humble lameoid for fun shit.
Qaron became an official crank, now that his play on the field was between shit and shot. Yeah that was harsh, much like Rodgers pushing away Saleh after a touchdown.
All things considered, Saleh may be the person coming out less embarrassed from the Jets’ accommodation to Rodgers.
Josh Allen played like the best QB I’ve seen. It was easy to root for the Bills in ’24. Also, even the media said that it wasn’t Lamar!’s fault. It was easy to root for John Harbaugh to be shot out of a cannon into a vat of garbage juice and dildos. Jalen Hurts really steps up play in the playoffs. What a luxury it would be, to root for the Eagles.
Can’t wait for ’25. Unless Will Levis remains in the Tits QB room. Please god no.
Going home and housing like three boxes of cereal seems like a splendid idea, but I’ll just end up smoking and dicking around on YooToob while exiting the highway at the exit of Slumberland.
Don T, you are a great writer. There’s some real writing talent in these parts, but you are definitely on the A-Team.
Now if you need photos and/or illustrations it’s me and DJ Taj all the way.
You haven’t seen this one yet:
https://ibb.co/tTkkbbjM
You might end up in one these! Some of you already are.
Oh shit, I almost forgot:
“WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”
[runs through clubhouse wearing nothing but a UConn bandana wrapped around his wing-wang and a sportsbra] – Horatio
Dirt Leafs just gave Vlad Guerrero, Jr. half a billion dollars over 14 years (!).
FOX News says this is concrete evidence that Canadia is bowing to Trump’s Tariffs are WININNG SUCK IT LIBRATDS!!!!1!11 Did Geurrreo (a DEI hier and IMMEGRANT) even THANK President Trump?!
TSN will have an extensive hour-long breakdown on this impacts the Leafs’ Cup chances in this season’s upcoming Playoffs.
Ciao Tutti, let’s get this friggin week started I guess…
Sundays are my Thursday, and we’re already 48 minutes into the shift. Caio tutti, indeed.
Refresh my much concussed and booze-addled brain: where in Italien are you again? I’ve ask you this at least a dozen times.
Vicenza, NE part of the country. About 45 minutes west of Venice, and 45 minutes east of Verona.
Italy is definitely on the list of countries to visit.
Spectacular scenery, rich history, great food, you’ll have fun. See the seaside (the nude beaches over here… we call them, “beaches”) and see the mountains for sure.
I typed this into my own work notes, so if I ask again, you’re free to punch me in the junk. It’s the only way I’ll learn. Ask my ex-wife and the princess.
That’s what autofill is for my friend.
Oh hey, a whole nother thread! I enjoyed the ’24 season quite a bit, and even made some decent money from GAMBLOR. DC making the playoffs and now Ovi’s record feels like the most sports success the city has had in the last 30 years, even though they did have a World Series and a Stanley Cup in that time so I’m not quite sure why it feels that way.
Ovie is the face of DC sports, probably the biggest since John Riggins. That helps.
It’s also a hell of a record to break, one of the biggies for sure. I wonder if he’s ever done an Eastern Motors commercial, or if they even still have those?
As opposed to Western Engines?
They’ve done commercials with DC sports people forever and have a jingle that everyone in the area knows. And there is an Ovechkin one and it’s LOL
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wpw-dJinzK0
My seething hatred for Ovie has waned significantly, especially since Crosby won their rivalry when it was at its peak.
I like the guy now, and certainly respect the accomplishments he’s achieved. This is just more reason to enjoy the goofy Rooskie.
oopsie https://bsky.app/profile/manmademoon.bsky.social/post/3lm6tqlqtgk2g
is that bad
Query for the class – should DFO boycott the 2026 World Cup? I mean, Qatar was bad enough, but Soviet Murrika??
I will watch the games. Going to MEX + CAN is in the cards.
Hippo predicion – Trump and Infantino will find a way to invite Russia to participate
Man, the IOC does have lot we could
squeezeeconomic emergency out of them.Mostly rules-changes that benefit Russia.
going to boycot the 2028 olympics at this rate
I doubt humanity makes it that far.
Then I’ll boycott the monkey Olympics!
The hell with that! I’m not missing the knife fights.
Oops didn’t see this. My bad
You’re going to miss out on some good monkey. action.
Imagine being married to Shannon Elizabeth and playing a prank where you told her you had made a sextape and that it had somehow gotten out of your hands, and she’s so unamused that she divorces you over it. Cause supposedly that happened.
I thought Showgirls was her sextape?
Yes to the boycott.
San Antonio looks bad.
Like, worse Week 2 Carolina Panthers bad.
This was your UFL update.
Is Boss Todd still coaching somebody in this Puppy Abortion League?
This pissed off looking fella reminds me of my late, lamented boy, B-2. He was such a dick, I miss his grouchy face.
*hears horatio fapping noises*
https://www.sportingnews.com/us/ncaa-basketball/uconn/news/nike-uconn-commercial-alpha-dog-huskies-national-championship/c34f11e49886cbf81f8695d0
(gotta admit, dope ad)
Fuck Nike. But…yeah
/unzipping noise
I’d just like to put it out there that Wayne Gretzky Estates, maker of wines, whiskeys and other assorted alcoholic beverages is benefitting greatly from the LCBO’s (Liquor Control Board of Ontario) ban of American bourbons, whiskeys and whatever.. It’s no wonder he’s even further up Trump’s ass these days.
It’s almost like paying Marty McSorely to take all those shots to the head as really worked out.
For Wayne
The Senators are very comfortably in the playoffs. Please walk in single file to your fallout shelters and await more end-of-the-world updates.
“Senator” is about four days away from becoming one of the world’s greatest slurs.
Once again, I’m ahead of the curve!
i remember the runs they had in 2007 and 2017. i am sure nothing bad happened to the world after them. nope. nothing happened in 2008, nor every year after 2017. remain calm…………
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TY5ykMVGbvU
American Dad: End Of Days
I bought some graftings from the UC system today. The big side yard is left open is like the play field. But when the boy is out of the house, that’s my citrus grove.
So we have an orange tree on the west side of the house with great oranges. It’s the only orange tree left on the property (and by original, I mean, i don’t think trees live to be 50 but it’s a legit orange tree with all the knots and stickers and sucks to climb) so we’re gonna try to start some seedlings from their oranges this season. No idea what I’m getting into so gonna try like — 25? Figure I might have a couple ready when the boy leaves the house with a little luck.
The graftings I’m gonna try on this grapefruit tree I got that is big and old and I just watched the UC’s instruction videos and I’m like, “I’m in.” Plus they’re like, you can just use a tree from the nursery — but I’m like, why don’t i just buy the tree i want from the nursery , if those are the steps?
Do I understand that some people graft onto their fruit trees like regularly? Like they seem very focused on getting a lot of production out of the trees quickly. Which i think is sort of funny for backyard citrus because everything for everyone hits right at the same time. You pound so much you’re good for eleven months. Oranges in April are like Pumpkins in November. Hit me with The Season and get out of the way for some berries or whatever gets ripe all at once around here next.
What do you guys like to eat on Proundly Not-America Island over there in April?
botanists
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJMoNqTznzs
Is that…TV’s Frank on the left???? HE IS STILL ALIVE????
yeah he goes on tour with Dr Forrester doing movies as the Mads are back
https://www.themadsareback.com/
Alcoholism hasn’t killed him or me.
Yet.
dr forrester tried so many times
That guy makes me laugh hard. Just the name
We’ll be in the active shooting phase of Herr Fuhrer’s Mad Max cosplay by late-May, so hopefully there still is a 2025 season. Or I will be ded by then, that’d be a’ight, too.
oh HAI, Looming Monday!
he’ll remember how the NFL wouldn’t let him buy a franchise and order the pregame flyover to drop actual bombs.
yeah, that checks out 100%
Give me the Jets crashing into a private airliner and the wreckage comes down on the stadium crowd. The NFL makes them play 3 series to meet broadcast revenue minimums then postpones the game indefinitely. 135 players find their feet have been sliced up and infected by the polluted field-turf. One of the fat coaches loses an eye but they claim it is the diabetes.
So, like, Week 6?
More like third day of the draft.
Niners host the next Owl. That’ll be plenty practice keeping off hippies for the World Cup!
You’re still behind as that $60 ticket only has $9 of the buying power, relative to the day you put down the ten-spot.