WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME  YOU WERE EXCITED ABOUT ANYTHING?

The giddy inducing dream preordained everything.

What shirt to wear, Mario Bava. Dinner, a tuna sandwich. Bring with you, a camera, a Diet Coke, a granola bar, some high grade gummies, 36 dollars cash and 9 bottles of beer. Don’t worry there’s a bar on board for the rest of the alcohol that will be needed. Also a giggle stick and an Uber. Next?

I ATE THE SANDWICH BEFORE PHOTO-OP

Across the blue bridge and mount her majesty right proper. But just for one night, terribly expensive it is.

When I awoke guess what I did? Well not that day but somewhere else in time.

Look I’ve given up on the whole silly ghost tripe, sorry. However I do love me a good sea shanty, and a one and a two.

THIS IS NO LONGER. TORN DOWN FEBRUARY 2025

Let’s take a moment shall we. Who says this ship is haunted? Well, everyone. It’s said to be the most haunted ship in the world, top 10 scariest place in the country and top 20 on the entire planet. Feel free to giggle profusely. How did this all begin, you may ask?

Deep breath and here we go. Her maiden voyage was in 1936. She was the state of the art cruise between Europe and New York with many dignitaries onboard. Including but not limited to presidents, heads of state, foreign leaders and the rich and famous, Greta Garbo and Elizabeth Taylor, any questions? I thought not.

Then World War Two broke out and the government took her, painted her grey (hence the whole Grey Ghost thing, yes?) stripped her down to her guts and used her to transfer soldiers to and from the theater of war. She safely transferred more than a million heros during her reign. At the end of the war she was recommissioned once again and this time as a hospital transfer ship. Where she carried many severely wounded and sadly dying soldiers.

There are a confirmed 49 deaths on board including (you choose the legend you like best, I won’t judge) a double murder. A suicide. A drowned child. An overdose and a heart attack. Many soldiers died on board and were “Buried” at sea.She was decommissioned in 1968 (I think) and moved to her permanent home in the Long Beach Harbor.

The reason we are here is to see all 6 “Confirmed”  besieged sights. At least we are going to try. You will see arrows with explanations as we move forward. Three of the places are no longer (they might be but I didn’t want to spend any more money) accessible to everyone.

Away we go.

She has seen me in lean times and in fat times. Each one better than the last.

I moved to L.A. in 2003, dear Jesus, “How long ago?” One of the first things I did upon arrival was to get my sea legs. That means heading straight to (she used to be much cheaper, but weren’t we all?) Long Beach and climbing aboard an old queen.

WELCOME SEEKERS, WE’VE BEEN WAITING JUST FOR YOU.

Pantera is playing and Dime is killing it.

Another happy time I spent a radio Christmas party on board. During that visit I had a chance to have my palm read by a real psychic at least she assured me she was.

Silly? Yes, it was.

A first date with a new (what a story that was) hopeful was also on board her majesty. Have done the haunted tours and Halloween. All told I have been loaded on her royal decks at least 13 times.

Know how many ghost I’ve seen?

That’s right.

You will always know when you are looking at her majesty as she has three stacks, most of all those other inferior ships have just two.

IT’S THE POWER OF CHRIST THAT COMPELS YOU.

Inspiration can be a fickle thing. This time however I am certain I know how to make the squalid float right down our eye sockets.

This is the world famous QE2 As you can clearly see this flaccid bitch has only 1 stack.

A flippant gesture can clearly be seen

Now you promised, There’s to be no dancing.

So no Samba, but how about I stay the night on board this evil beastie instead?

What?

No, did he really say?

So we are going to dance?

Close your eyes and drift into the madness of sleep aboard a floating misery portal.

What’s the worst that can happen, I end up drunk hanging over the aft deck barfing into the bay?

Oh wait, I see you.

You want me to do this, don’t you?

Alright, just for you then.

Now where’s check in and those bottles of beer?

You’ll see just let it play out.

Drop my stuff drank some beer, “Slap da vape, oh yeah mon, slappa da vape”. and now we are ready to be roughened if you will.

One is my Iphone. The other my Canon with a”Nifty 50″ You tell me.

If you want to address an elder lady of distinction it is reverential to see her for the first time properly dressed for the occasion.

Let’s start out of doors as any real gentleman should find an absolute Sine Qua Non.

See you are trying to show off, but, I fear you may be failing.

YOU DO IT. SHE TAKES THE PISS OUT OF ME!

I KNEW THOSE WERE ALARMING FACES

This can’t be real, your trying to trap me in one of your weird “stair” dreams

Please God let that be the way out of this roil.

Just down there to our left is the “Sick Bay” where the dead were given over to their final resting place, the sea.

I have been in there myself many times but this visit it was closed off. Perhaps the “Ole Porthole Plunge” paralyzed our new tender senses.

Haunt 1: Here is said to be heard all kinds of last moment terrors. Is that the wind moaning?

Goodness do hold on, it can get quite rough out at sea.

Getting a bit chilly let’s get back inside.

DUDE!

The bar is down there, let’s consume.

THAT MOVIE SUCKED BOTH ASS AND BALLS

I was in a Gene Hackman movie. Want to guess which (No fair cheating ) one?

JESUS, I’LL PUT IT BACK!

After taking this set I started to notice the gummies were beginning to have a real voice.

Ahh, here comes the float.

Hi Jesus, when did you get here?

He wants me to tell you he likes big boats and that he wishes we were nicer to each other, then he gave me a balloon.

It was blue

Ever wonder why it’s called the golden hour?

 REALLY THOUGHT THAT EARLIER PHOTO WAS THE ONE,BUT THIS ONE?

The stairway to her knickers, her inner bowels if you will are just down those stairs. Scared?

Later I was fortunate enough to fall down these very stairs and yes that is both my urine and blood. I rule.

Want to see what the old girl looks like from the inside?

You can stay on “B” deck but a night in room 340?

First you have to sign a waiver swearing you won’t sue for scare damages. Next you’ll have to dig deep.1000 dollars a night deep. A simple “Oh Hell No” slipped from my sunburned lips as I got booked into my sweet standard stateroom. Who’s ready for a night sure to be filled with self imposed madness?

You are not going to believe this next part.

TAJ MAR 25