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Monday Night Open Thread – Extremely Rude Awakenings

ArmedandHammered

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Evening or Afternoon all (Good Morning 2Pk)

I would like to regale all of you with a tale of a tail which features a deep crack (steady Balls) and leads up to the theme for tonight’s open thread, or you can ignore and head directly to the comments (do I sound like Mr. Ayo with his fancy smancy skip to the comments technology? No, then suck it up buttercup and scroll!)  Due to several health issues combing to make my present life slightly more uncomfortable than just aging badly, I am having to sleep sitting upright at about at 30 degree angle in a 6ft bean bag.  Otherwise my reflux would probably give me one of those cool holes to talk through like Jimbo’s friend Ned from South Park.  Anyway, I am not sleeping in my normal habitat, the toilet has a soft close seat that is really’ really slow, and I have drop pods that need to get to that LZ, it is very early in the morning (fucking 3 a.m.).

Now,  I have lost weight but 240lbs is 240lbs, I noticed the seat was up, I dropped the seat, and I dropped before the seat dropped.  I landed harshly, the toilet seat ring broke in half on one side, and then pinched together catching at least a pound of flesh, at least that is what it felt like.  I thought titty twisters hurt, but fuck!  So I have been up since 3 a.m. due to a very rude awakening and am trying to find a way to sit or lie that is comfortable.  How’s your day.

What rude awakenings have you experienced?

 

Tonight: Stanley Cup Finals Game 6, can the Oilers win to force a game 7 – Tune in and find out!

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WCS

I’ll nod off every once in a while, snap to attention, and see a random assortment of letters and open prompt or text boxes asking me what do next.

I need to record meself asleep at the desk to see what I do.

This is actually my last night purely call-taking for the foreseeable future. This time 24 hours from now, I’ll be training on EMS dispatch. That will be me new seat to keep warm with my butt for like three months, with fire immediately after. I won’t be listening to Yinzer bullshit for quite some time.

I really hope I drift off again. I’ll post whatever shows up.

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litre_cola

I just served the G7 leaders. Was incredible. Stay tuned…m

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Mr. Ayo

Did you use kneepads?

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litre_cola

It legit was unreal.

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SonOfSpam

Happy for you, especially the part where Trump already bailed.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You are what you eat, so I presume he went off to gorge himself on some fat greasy tacos.

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Horatio Cornblower

One night my wife and I were awoken by the joyous sounds of my son, then around 8, falling down the stairs. He’d gotten up to use the bathroom, then walked straight instead of hooking a left towards his room.

Mrs. Horatio can and will sleep through the cracking of the 7th Seal, but when her first born started down the stairs she moved so fast I thought she might catch him before he got to the bottom.

She did not.

The clattering comes to an end, we freeze at the top of the stairs and then, out of the darkness at the bottom of the stairs we hear “Oh, no”

/He was fine, other than some bruises. Kept him out of school the next day, talked his way into his LL game that night, where he hit 2 HRs, and I stress they were LL HRs, where he managed to hit the ball out of the infield, then ran around the bases while a circus broke out behind him.

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SonOfSpam

Oh hey ships are on fire in the Gulf of Oman. I’m sure our Defense Team will react reasonably. Are they gonna draft fat guys in their mid-50s?

(in blue states, yes)

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Jimbo

Just say you have bone spurs, that seems to work.

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SonOfSpam

I don’t have “bone spurs doctor payoff” money.

Best I could do is maybe a note from Epstein’s mother. (Juan, not Jeffrey)

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Horatio Cornblower

As long as the ships aren’t burning off the shoulder of Orion I’m sure everything will be fine.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I’ll make the Blade Runner joke a little later,” I told myself…

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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SonOfSpam

Just like going to see Mr. T at the mall.

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2Pack

I don’t know what it is with the ladies taking mirror selfies thing… But lord I don’t want it to ever end…

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ballsofsteelandfury

Truly one of God’s greatest gifts to mankind

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SonOfSpam

Oh I forgot about a more recent rude awakening! This was like six months ago.

I was having a dream where I was standing on my front doorstep, and it was like midnight, fog and everything. I hear footsteps coming up the driveway, and eventually I see it’s some woman I don’t recognize. Without saying anything, when she gets up close, she pulls a gun. I shout something like “AAAH” and lunge for the gun, knowing I’m probably about to be shot.

I wake up, having flailed off the bed, landing mostly on my knee and bouncing back against the side wall, somehow missing the nightstand with my head. Hurt quite a bit for a couple days, but no bullet holes.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You mean speed holes?

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SonOfSpam

She was utterly expressionless.

JUST LIKE THE GYPSY WOMAN SAID!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s cool that Kimberly Guillifoyle showed up in your dream though.

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SonOfSpam

Looked a little like her in that she had dark hair, but I don’t remember dream-shooter-lady setting her makeup gun to “whore”

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2Pack

Good morning you all. I have been fortunate with no real rude awakenings lately that comes to mind.

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WCS

Weren’t you in the Army? Any morning that doesn’t begin with mortar shells falling nearby is a good morning.

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SonOfSpam

Army guys sometimes sensually awaken each other late at night.

Or am I thinking of submarine life?

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2Pack

Hit up Brick with that one. Worst I can remember were the rain soaked sleeping bag wake ups. Second worst was the Scud impact sorta close one.

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SonOfSpam

“Sorta close Scud impact” sounds unpleasant.

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BeefReeferLives

Totes. That’s the worst when you’re camping and (natch) been drinking beer, wake up and you.. oh, you said rain soaked sleeping bag..

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“IT DOESN’T COUNT AS WETTING THE BED IF YOU THOUGHT YOU HEARD A BEAR OUTSIDE!” – the protagonist in the Ivan Reitman passion project Eli Goes to Camp

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WCS

(also what Eli has told grownups anytime he wets the bed)

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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WCS

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rockingdog

And Padres pitcher Dylan Cease strikes out the first 3 dodgers batters to start the game!

Padres lead 1-0!!! ⚾️

That’s ROCKINGGGG!!!!!

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Jimbo

I see he’s rocking the 70’s porn stache.

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SonOfSpam

I feel like that’s the one thing Ohtani can’t do.

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WCS

Fresh grown halibut on special at the icefood restaurant on Mars.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fuck yeah Neuromancer here we come!

/but seriously vatgrown food is something I’m happy to see

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WCS

CNN doesn’t understand why no one likes them anymore.

Just a thought: how about discussing the actual news and events, rather than continuing to crank out hour-long shows that are essentially Yootoob reaction videos.

Cornel West and someone else aren’t debating the Israel-Iran conflict; they’re arguing about Tucker Carlson’s comments on Trump’s comments about the G7 conference’s meeting about it.

This is what is considered intellectual discourse.

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Jimbo

They used to have CNN on the TVs at work 24/7. After many complaints, it now alternates between the food network and local channels.

Last edited 10 months ago by Jimbo
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When I was maybe 12 or so I got a rude awakening in the middle of the night while asleep in our family’s summer cottage (all Connecticut families have summer cottages, right Horatio?) when something started screeching in the pitch dark room. My dad came in and turned on the light and it turned out our cat had caught a bat – plucked it out of the air, we assumed. Dad put on some thick gloves and took the bat outside and put it out of its misery with a log.

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Mr. Ayo

I remember being woken up to a gigantic BANG in the middle of night. Turns out a school mate’s dad about half a mile away was cooking meth in their basement and made a mistake.

The lot was a crater, the houses on all sides were half destroyed, and somehow that classmate survived the blast and was found two blocks away walking in a daze in his undies.

Gotta love Billings, MT.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Their votes for President are worth 2.7 of mine!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

(what I used to calculate this; kind of neat: https://whats-my-vote-worth.oliver-ernst.com/)

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WCS

How many different places was his dad found in?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

More importantly, what color were his dad’s eyes?

Blue! One blew this way, one blew that way!

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WCS

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Mr. Ayo

Found a picture!

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rockingdog

Padres vs Dodgers!!! ⚾️

Ohtani is Pitching for the Dodgers to start this series! Hope this game is Rocking!!!!

Gooooo Padres!

Last edited 10 months ago by rockingdog
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King Hippo

I totes concussed myself, speed-walking into a door jamb trying to fastly get back in bed after the Old Man 3am Pee.

YES, I was too embarrassed to call for help (until family doctor the next day), and went back to sleep even though not supposed to do that. Because Hippo is A MAN!

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Jimbo

.

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Jimbo

When I was a teen our next door neighbor sold weed. It was around 6am one morning and we heard a loud boom the police had kicked in his door and dragged him out in cuffs. This happened twice by the way. It was a nawt a good neighborhood. 

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SonOfSpam

(tonight is basketball not hockey)

We were awakened by some kind of loud noise a few years ago. Dogs barked, but neither one of us could figure out what woke us up. Looked around, checked outside…nothing. Ok, so back to sleep.

Found out the next day, a speeding car on the street behind us had gone airborne and crashed into a wall at the end of that street. Driver was drunk (duh) and (maybe as a result) walked away. Cops showed up, but since the driver was ALSO a cop (off-duty), he was not arrested or cited. I feel like that’s okay, since all of us normies would have gotten the same break.

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ballsofsteelandfury

¡ Jésus ! I hope you’re doing better!

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SonOfSpam

-Peter, leaving a note on the big stone blocking the cave entrance.

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King Hippo

I mean, AT LEAST a pound of my assflesh clenched in solidarity.

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scotchnaut

Rude Awakening Moment:

Wifey: [speaking to Youngest Skull Fracture Boy] “We can put you into a business and if you work hard, you’ll be the boss in 10 years.”

Youngest Skull Fracture Boy: “I’ve seen the toll that being in management has taken on you guys. You’re successful but you’re not good parents and I don’t want to be like you.”

Wifey and I: “Ohhh fuck…”

3
King Hippo

Hey, Mister Shitbird with the skull fracture and the “I Heart Boobies” bumper sticker, wait and see how great YOU does…

1
blaxabbath

Fucked up is thing is that you had probably been having a super awesome dream (which you now have forgotten!) and were like, “Sleeping horizontally? I must be dreaming. Someone pinch me.”

Those punches hurt the most too. I fucked around with pliers enough to have a healthy respect for those shits slipping.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh fuck the pliers thing is awful.

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WCS

Right after Lil’er WCS was born, she woke me up crying for whatever newborns want. I was hungover, like usual at the time, and had a bad cold. As I stumbled into the kitchen to get a bottle for newbie, I noticed an odd odor. I found the dog had vomited in at least two places, and shat under the dining table.
Cursing life and everything involved with it, I returned the bottle to Lil’er WCS to see Lil’ WCS in her crib had also exploded her sleepyclothes, completely out the sides and top. She was literally in a onesie full of shit.

I don’t remember a lot more after that; I know copious amounts of freezer gin where consumed before 10:00. I do know it took over three hours to clean, disinfect, sanitize, and purge that evil from everything.

Something changed in me that morning, and more than just liver cells. It scarred my soul somewhere.

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blaxabbath

I knew at zero that kids were too much work. How did you all see one and cry out to the stork dealer, “HOW DO I DOUBLE DOWN?”?

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Jimbo

A few months ago, my wife woke me up at 3:00 a.m because the dogs had disemboweled a rat and were playing tug of war with its lifeless body in the backyard.  I remember grabbing a plastic bag and having to collect rat guts from the grass. Good times. 

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BeefReeferLives

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blaxabbath

Can I get a GOOD DOGS?

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BeefReeferLives

Was woken up by an earthquake once.

I know all the best coasters are all like “Feh, big deal, flatlander. That happens to me every other week”, but as a midwesterner going to school at Southern Illinois University in Carbondale, it was a bit of a shock.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7CGkuLEs5U

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