The denseness of the sitting-room furnishings, together with its chocolate brown wallpaper and deep-blue fitted carpet, gave it a premature receptivity to the advancing dusk. Although, at 7:30, it was obvious that there was plenty of light left on the other side of its two tall windows, the texture of the room closed stealthily in on itself. When Aaron spoke his voice wandered out plaintively into the incipient evening.
“Have any of you … have any of you decided which way you want to go yet?”
“I have,” said Rex, getting to his feet. He brushed his hair out of his eyes and clapped his hands together. “I want to feel sexed-up, big rigged, violent and strong.”
“I imagine,” said Aaron, his hands already busy inside his box, “I imagine you feel most of those things most of the time, don’t you, Rex?”
“Check. But I want to feel all of them all of the time—all of tonight anyway.”
Aaron took a multicolored capsule and split it with an unsettlingly long thumbnail onto a blank sheet of paper. To the pyramid of powder he added sections of two other pills. Rex was now instructed to fold the paper double, forming a channel down which the brew could be poured into his mouth. He asked if he was allowed to wash it down with whiskey and was told that he might. Aaron held up what could have been an eardrop syringe. “Take two drops of this on your tongue.”
“What was it?” asked Rex, having done so.
“Twisted steel.”
“Casual.”
“You got about a half hour, forty-five minutes. Right … Uh, Matt?”
Matt frowned. “Well, it rather depends on what we’re going to do tonight.”
“Don’t tell me,” said Derek drearily, eyes half closed, “another conformist club crawl.”
“C’mon, Derek,” said Rex, “what in the fuck’s wrong with that? I’m feeling pretty … pretty loose already.”
Matt sat upright. “Well. Obviously I want to feel a bit speedy—in case we dance. And I wouldn’t mind some toradol, or perhaps …”
“Try to be more specific, Matt, please. Don’t talk drugs. Talk feelings, moods.”
“Well, I … I just want to feel pretty good. Like I had just won a game. Nothing too stressful, though. Like a game against an AFC South opponent, by at least ten points.”
The room blushed. Raising his quiff-like eyebrows, Aaron rummaged boredly inside the case, eventually bringing out a single pink pill which he lobbed across the room. “Just a straight High extract,” he sighed. “Okay, how about Kyler there?”
Kyler waved a hand negligently in the air. Cleatless, he had no intention of performing a miniature waddle across the room, and the request he was steeling himself to make would in any case be for Aaron’s ears only. “Haven’t quite decided yet. Mind if I sit on it?”
Aaron was smiling at Matt, but quickly returned his gaze to little Kyler. “Sure—but not too long now, okay? Now, Derek. What do you want?”
“Nothing,” said Derek.
“The fuck, Derek,” yawned Rex, “you’ve got to have something. Why are you so fuckin’ defiant all the time?”
“I didn’t say it defiantly, just in complete boredom. I want a drug, but I want a drug to stop me feeling anything. And to kill the past. That is, if tonight’s going to be as stupid and nasty as it looks like being.”
Amused comment rippled through the room. Aaron stirred himself. “That’ll be no sweat to fix,” he said.
Peyton and Eli obligingly opted for the “usual” (human growth hormone and attention span extenders respectively), while, with considerable pomp, Aaron prepared his own stimulant, setting a match to a combustible powder whose sooty residue he lollipopped onto his forefinger and dipped into his mouth. “It’s called a Holistic Immunization,” he said. “Makes me feel in control. Mm—hey—I forgot: Tom.”
Folding his arms, Tom sat back, his choice musculature extending itself adorably over the sofa. The residual unease that had slowed the atmosphere of the room was instantly chased away by the creamy mellifluousness of his voice.
“A hypothesis,” he said. “It occurs to me that one’s mannerisms, one’s behavioral ticks, are neither quite innate nor quite fortuitous. We project them as mechanisms of defense and appeal, of withdrawal and capitulation; they are means of stylizing our attitude to others and to the world. Forgive me—intolerably ill-put. At any rate, as a profoundly cultivated and therefore profoundly unspontaneous creature I thought it might be interesting if I were shorn of these—my reflexes, my stock responses—so as to become, as it were, socially unclothed. My fetching manner must at times be excessively irritating so I hereby give you the chance to banish it and refurnish me. I throw the matter open: make of me what you will.”
“Isn’t this all somewhat unspecific?” complained Aaron.
“Not for long,” said Tom.
“To begin with,” said Derek, “you could give him a stutter. That at least might make him talk less.”
“Bravo, Derek!” roared Tom. “You’ve got the idea. Aaron, make me inarticulate.”
“Make him gauche and gawky,” said Peyton.
“Why not make him rather shy,” said Matt perplexedly.
“Make him as horny as a dog,” said Rex.
“And make him afraid of the dark,” said Eli.
Tom spread his hands and smiled. “Aaron: you have your instructions.”
Ten minutes later, after Tom had inhaled, sucked, and sniffed various occult compounds, Aaron brushed himself down and regained the dining table alcove. He looked around the room. “That about does it,” he said.
Kyler sat tight in his chair until the very last moment. Couples were dispersing in the direction of the locker rooms. Peyton, once revived, had gaggingly swallowed his calmant and was being led by Matt from the room. Derek had gone up, muscularly alone; Eli had followed Rex and Matt from the room. Tom remained in his seat, his features fossilized in a blocked daze, then sloped off.
“Hey. Aaron.”
“Oh yeah. Kyler.”
Kyler left his chair, hoisted himself into the room and went nearer to Aaron, nearer and nearer until he could lift himself up onto the bench opposite him.
“Hey there,” said Aaron, looking over the lid of his box. “What can I do for you?”
“Make me tall,” said Kyler. “Make me tall, make me tall, make me tall.”






A great read, RTD. Thanks for this!
Weird, haunting, and funny all at the same time.
Jesse Minter just made an enemy of Yinzer Country.
https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/47696974/ravens-hiring-chargers-dc-jesse-minter-new-head-coach
https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/baltimore-ravens-hiring-jesse-minter-los-angeles-chargers-coach-john-harbaugh/
May he know naught but failure and despair.
That tells me Shula is going to the Steelers. He declined the Browns already.
How about Martin Anis, and he’s the director of the films “Ass Babies” and “Other People’s Asses: A Mystery Story”
“There’s no such thing as ass babies, that’s the fun of it!” -B. Ofsteelandfury
Don’t forget “Splendor in the Ass”
And his 1939 classic “The Wizard of Ass”
& who could forget the timeless classic: ‘Assablanca’?
The Ass Picture Show
or that play, The Ass Menagerie
or that movie about Caitlyn Jenner trying anal…Ex-Men: First Ass
This was great.
You earned this one.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Okay Google, when is the next solar eclipse?
GOOGLE: I don’t have any information about that, but would you like to know what will happen on July 14, 2029?
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Uh…sure.
GOOGLE: [long pause] Great!
–
And that’s it. It didn’t say anything else after that. Just “great!”. Cranked out as much carbon dioxide as a car driving a mile would do just to jerk me around like that; yeah, this AI thing really is the future.
I dunno, ChatGPT is pretty slick.
That was a close one.
Google almost let it slip about “The Great Awakening”.
Good for you it didn’t.
Your smart furnace would have filled your home with Co2, or you would have been run over by a Waymo.
The forecast for Foxboro on Sunday is calling for a foot of snow. I wish the AFCCG was there instead of Denver. It would have been epic
what’s this rate on the waffle* scale?
*I prob have the item wrong.
We’re currently at French Toast alert level 3.
Upgraded to high. Its happening!
we had 4 yesterday ( over 6″). Did none of the suggested purchasing.
The not-quite two standard deviations range last I saw for here was 9-22”.
I have never been so relieved to not have a gig on a Sunday, since I’ve worked every Sunday since the one I took off for our anniversary. And every other Sunday before that since the beginning of October.
10″-18″ is the latest I’m. seeing here, which is 2.5-4.25 Favres.
Oh, we just don’t measure with Lowratio now, huh?
That’s a post-snowfall measurement involving one (1) strong heave.
120 Minutes Playlist Project Update: September 29, 1991. The world premiere of a music video that some of you just might remember as being rather popular…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTWKbfoikeg
I told a coworker yesterday that Kurt Cobain’s suicide was closer in time to the moon landing than to now, thought he would cry.
The Hall of Excellence had its own channel in my hotel room and is $35.
The logo reminds me of:
I saw this headline and I’m thinking, “FREE USE IS RIGHT THERE!”
https://nypost.com/2026/01/22/us-news/trump-vows-us-will-have-total-access-to-greenland-with-no-end-under-deal-may-still-acquire-island/
When I see a Post link, I think to myself, “Man, it could have been so much easier if somebody just shot the founder of that newspaper.”
But somebody from way back when agreed with me and did just that.

Was kinda expecting the “drug” for Tom would be a strawberry.
I’ll just stick to weed, thanks!
I wonder if getting my cat high will give her the munchies. She needs to eat more – she’s getting so skinny.
Worth a try
The thing is that her appetite is mostly okay, it’s just that when we find things that she really likes she’ll eat it too fast and puke it back up.
My cat does that too. He’s also prone to hairballs, and that also makes him puke a lot . My boy is going to be 18 this spring.
Lily’s eighteen now. I’ve gotten better about brushing her so she doesn’t have as many issues with hairballs, but she is not a fan of the process.
I have the exact same issue with Flower.
For a kitteh found outside a gas station and subsisting on bugs & crows, she is quite picky about what she eats, but overindulges when served something she really likes.
“MOAR CHICKN PLEEZE”
Whoa. This is fun and weird!
This wasn’t a great book but I do quite enjoy Martin Amis’ writing.