Dead Cap Babies

The denseness of the sitting-room furnishings, together with its chocolate brown wallpaper and deep-blue fitted carpet, gave it a premature receptivity to the advancing dusk. Although, at 7:30, it was obvious that there was plenty of light left on the other side of its two tall windows, the texture of the room closed stealthily in on itself. When Aaron spoke his voice wandered out plaintively into the incipient evening.

“Have any of you … have any of you decided which way you want to go yet?”

“I have,” said Rex, getting to his feet. He brushed his hair out of his eyes and clapped his hands together. “I want to feel sexed-up, big rigged, violent and strong.”

“I imagine,” said Aaron, his hands already busy inside his box, “I imagine you feel most of those things most of the time, don’t you, Rex?”

“Check. But I want to feel all of them all of the time—all of tonight anyway.”

Aaron took a multicolored capsule and split it with an unsettlingly long thumbnail onto a blank sheet of paper. To the pyramid of powder he added sections of two other pills. Rex was now instructed to fold the paper double, forming a channel down which the brew could be poured into his mouth. He asked if he was allowed to wash it down with whiskey and was told that he might. Aaron held up what could have been an eardrop syringe. “Take two drops of this on your tongue.”

“What was it?” asked Rex, having done so.

“Twisted steel.”

“Casual.”

“You got about a half hour, forty-five minutes. Right … Uh, Matt?”

Matt frowned. “Well, it rather depends on what we’re going to do tonight.”

“Don’t tell me,” said Derek drearily, eyes half closed, “another conformist club crawl.”

“C’mon, Derek,” said Rex, “what in the fuck’s wrong with that? I’m feeling pretty … pretty loose already.”

Matt sat upright. “Well. Obviously I want to feel a bit speedy—in case we dance. And I wouldn’t mind some toradol, or perhaps …”

“Try to be more specific, Matt, please. Don’t talk drugs. Talk feelings, moods.”

“Well, I … I just want to feel pretty good.  Like I had just won a game. Nothing too stressful, though.  Like a game against an AFC South opponent, by at least ten points.”

The room blushed. Raising his quiff-like eyebrows, Aaron rummaged boredly inside the case, eventually bringing out a single pink pill which he lobbed across the room. “Just a straight High extract,” he sighed. “Okay, how about Kyler there?”

Kyler waved a hand negligently in the air. Cleatless, he had no intention of performing a miniature waddle across the room, and the request he was steeling himself to make would in any case be for Aaron’s ears only. “Haven’t quite decided yet. Mind if I sit on it?”

Aaron was smiling at Matt, but quickly returned his gaze to little Kyler. “Sure—but not too long now, okay?  Now, Derek. What do you want?”

“Nothing,” said Derek.

“The fuck, Derek,” yawned Rex, “you’ve got to have something. Why are you so fuckin’ defiant all the time?”

“I didn’t say it defiantly, just in complete boredom. I want a drug, but I want a drug to stop me feeling anything. And to kill the past. That is, if tonight’s going to be as stupid and nasty as it looks like being.”

Amused comment rippled through the room. Aaron stirred himself. “That’ll be no sweat to fix,” he said.

Peyton and Eli obligingly opted for the “usual” (human growth hormone and attention span extenders respectively), while, with considerable pomp, Aaron prepared his own stimulant, setting a match to a combustible powder whose sooty residue he lollipopped onto his forefinger and dipped into his mouth. “It’s called a Holistic Immunization,” he said. “Makes me feel in control. Mm—hey—I forgot: Tom.”

Folding his arms, Tom sat back, his choice musculature extending itself adorably over the sofa. The residual unease that had slowed the atmosphere of the room was instantly chased away by the creamy mellifluousness of his voice.

“A hypothesis,” he said. “It occurs to me that one’s mannerisms, one’s behavioral ticks, are neither quite innate nor quite fortuitous. We project them as mechanisms of defense and appeal, of withdrawal and capitulation; they are means of stylizing our attitude to others and to the world. Forgive me—intolerably ill-put. At any rate, as a profoundly cultivated and therefore profoundly unspontaneous creature I thought it might be interesting if I were shorn of these—my reflexes, my stock responses—so as to become, as it were, socially unclothed. My fetching manner must at times be excessively irritating so I hereby give you the chance to banish it and refurnish me. I throw the matter open: make of me what you will.”

“Isn’t this all somewhat unspecific?” complained Aaron.

“Not for long,” said Tom.

“To begin with,” said Derek, “you could give him a stutter. That at least might make him talk less.”

“Bravo, Derek!” roared Tom. “You’ve got the idea. Aaron, make me inarticulate.”

“Make him gauche and gawky,” said Peyton.

“Why not make him rather shy,” said Matt perplexedly.

“Make him as horny as a dog,” said Rex.

“And make him afraid of the dark,” said Eli.

Tom spread his hands and smiled. “Aaron: you have your instructions.”

Ten minutes later, after Tom had inhaled, sucked, and sniffed various occult compounds, Aaron brushed himself down and regained the dining table alcove. He looked around the room. “That about does it,” he said.

Kyler sat tight in his chair until the very last moment. Couples were dispersing in the direction of the locker rooms. Peyton, once revived, had gaggingly swallowed his calmant and was being led by Matt from the room. Derek had gone up, muscularly alone; Eli had followed Rex and Matt from the room. Tom remained in his seat, his features fossilized in a blocked daze, then sloped off.

“Hey. Aaron.”

“Oh yeah. Kyler.”

Kyler left his chair, hoisted himself into the room and went nearer to Aaron, nearer and nearer until he could lift himself up onto the bench opposite him.

“Hey there,” said Aaron, looking over the lid of his box. “What can I do for you?”

“Make me tall,” said Kyler. “Make me tall, make me tall, make me tall.”

 

 

5 6 votes
Article Rating
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
Subscribe
Notify of
41 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
BeefReeferLives

A great read, RTD. Thanks for this!

Weird, haunting, and funny all at the same time.

BeefReeferLives

May he know naught but failure and despair.

ballsofsteelandfury

That tells me Shula is going to the Steelers. He declined the Browns already.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

How about Martin Anis, and he’s the director of the films “Ass Babies” and “Other People’s Asses: A Mystery Story”

Senor Weaselo

“There’s no such thing as ass babies, that’s the fun of it!” -B. Ofsteelandfury

Brick Meathook

Don’t forget “Splendor in the Ass”

Gumbygirl

And his 1939 classic “The Wizard of Ass”

BeefReeferLives

& who could forget the timeless classic: ‘Assablanca’?

SonOfSpam

The Ass Picture Show

or that play, The Ass Menagerie

or that movie about Caitlyn Jenner trying anal…Ex-Men: First Ass

Horatio Cornblower

comment image

2Pack

This was great.
You earned this one.

FB_IMG_1769111627348
Brick Meathook

I dunno, ChatGPT is pretty slick.

BeefReeferLives

That was a close one.

Google almost let it slip about “The Great Awakening”.

BeefReeferLives

Good for you it didn’t.

Your smart furnace would have filled your home with Co2, or you would have been run over by a Waymo.

Sharkbait

The forecast for Foxboro on Sunday is calling for a foot of snow. I wish the AFCCG was there instead of Denver. It would have been epic

BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

what’s this rate on the waffle* scale?
*I prob have the item wrong.

Sharkbait

We’re currently at French Toast alert level 3.

comment image?w=663

Sharkbait

Upgraded to high. Its happening!

BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

we had 4 yesterday ( over 6″). Did none of the suggested purchasing.

Senor Weaselo

The not-quite two standard deviations range last I saw for here was 9-22”.

I have never been so relieved to not have a gig on a Sunday, since I’ve worked every Sunday since the one I took off for our anniversary. And every other Sunday before that since the beginning of October.

Horatio Cornblower

10″-18″ is the latest I’m. seeing here, which is 2.5-4.25 Favres.

LemonJello

Oh, we just don’t measure with Lowratio now, huh?

Senor Weaselo

That’s a post-snowfall measurement involving one (1) strong heave.

SonOfSpam

I told a coworker yesterday that Kurt Cobain’s suicide was closer in time to the moon landing than to now, thought he would cry.

blaxabbath

The Hall of Excellence had its own channel in my hotel room and is $35.

1000025159
BeefReeferLives

The logo reminds me of:

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury
Senor Weaselo

When I see a Post link, I think to myself, “Man, it could have been so much easier if somebody just shot the founder of that newspaper.”

But somebody from way back when agreed with me and did just that.
comment image

BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Was kinda expecting the “drug” for Tom would be a strawberry.

Gumbygirl

I’ll just stick to weed, thanks!

Gumbygirl

Worth a try

Gumbygirl

My cat does that too. He’s also prone to hairballs, and that also makes him puke a lot . My boy is going to be 18 this spring.

BeefReeferLives

I have the exact same issue with Flower.

For a kitteh found outside a gas station and subsisting on bugs & crows, she is quite picky about what she eats, but overindulges when served something she really likes.

“MOAR CHICKN PLEEZE”

SonOfSpam

Whoa. This is fun and weird!