Hooked, Mundial Sábado AM Thread

Buenas buenas. Given this community’s North American heritage, the banner is proof of YOUR glee: hand-drawn emojis for hypotheses, observation through stick tallies. Here are my scientific conclusions, after 32 games:

1. Free AI is inaccurate and uppity, worthless except for irritation and layoffs. C’mon technology; make laziness great again!* (*for the common folk)

2. I put down below, in descending order, the current Mundial standings per fútbol confederation. Wins are worth one point, draws 0.5:

CONMEBOL – 0.625 (8 games)

South American teams got a big bump last night, after wins by Brazil (3-0 over Haiti) and Paraguay (1-0 over Turkey). But it was dire, uf. For the Latin continent, Argentina got the first win last Tuesday with Colombia left to play, as expertly summarized by Tom & Jerry:

HAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA COÉ pic.twitter.com/XjdLhITGNG

— sasha na copa (@lobotosasha) June 17, 2026

CONCACAF – 0.550 (10 games)

After two matches each, and winning all, México Lindo and the USA both qualified for the knockouts—the first teams to do so. Performance-wise, MEX has looked able, while the USA has been OH MY GOD I AM NOT READY FOR THIS. Ever since the tectonic plates got shifty, humanity could count on one and only one thing: the USA can have everything—except fútbol. Fútbol is the world’s game, and centuries of sporting tradition will keep US supremacy at bay. Forever an evel, amén.

Of course, the USA women are a fútbol powerhouse, but why let facts get in the way of soothing xenophobia. Naturally, the US is getting hate on the webz, but it’s clearly in the “envy” zone:

Los putísimos jugadores de Estados Unidos desde que vieron que el Fútbol es el deporte que mas vende: pic.twitter.com/7qYDKBA00d

— ItzCarlos (@Balatreado) June 19, 2026

Canada, you are not forgotten. Hey, chin up: it’s no shame coming second to an apocalyptic portent from your downstairs neighbors. Canada’s first World Cup win came on home soil, the 6-0 thrashing of Qatar. Ismaël Koné suffered a gruesome injury (Qatar’s second red card of the match, JFC get out of the Mundial already, Q). Here’s an update, from Canadian Soccer Daily:

Early Friday afternoon, Canada Soccer confirmed that Koné had undergone a successful surgical procedure in Vancouver and is expected, like Tajon Buchanan two years earlier, to make a full recovery.

Finally,

Generational meme unlocked thanks to Canadian coach Jesse Marsch 🇨🇦pic.twitter.com/iGPrZYvmmA

— Lea (@Lea_EFC) June 19, 2026

Canada’s atop its group with 4 points (tied with the bleh Swiss), and has a PLUS SIX goal differential. SUI v. CAN battle Wednesday in Vancouver. Surely coach Marsch will go for CAN’s second World Cup win on home soil.

UEFA – 0.523 (22 games)

Regarding land area, Europe is much smaller than Brazil—if you exclude Russia, as FIFA has. But Europe has dozens of countries, hundreds of languages, and thousands of royal spats that spilled into wars. But in the end they are all homogeneous whites, for purposes of racist adoration and sports scorn.

France has maintained favorite status, after a cracking 2^nd half against former colony Sénégale (3-1 final, two goals scored after 94’). That game featured plenty of Spidermans-pointing-at-each-other memes for heritage / rayceees reasons. Fun fact: there are 76 players born in France representing other teams. So France is knee deep in young, world-class footballers. Great to see the French exceeding at something other than arrogance.

Spain tied 0-0 against newcomer Cape Verde—a summary:

Ahí va Rodri al ataque con España pic.twitter.com/xFf3LcCACi

— ItzCarlos (@Balatreado) June 15, 2026

I will thoroughly enjoy the Spanish debacle while it lasts (i.e., ‘til tomorrow?)

Regarding the rest of the field: England looks murderous; Germany, Netherlands and Norway are solid; Portugal has Cristiano issues, which always gets laughs; Sweden and Austria are worth a look, Croatia too (as we are on group play and not in tough-it-out, PK-shootout knockouts). The rest, from what I’ve seen on the field, is mostly filler. Notable exception: Turkey, who has lost both games, conceded three and scored none—truly ass,** so far.

** in the “bad” sense***

*** for the benefit of Hispanic readers.  Nah bo, I have no idea why either. Anglo assphobia doth mystify.

AFCON – 0.500 (11 games)

It’s been a great tourney for Africans, so far. Morocco is an official fútbol heavyweight, with ringers galore. It tied Brazil 1-1 and defeated Scotland yesterday 1-0. Then, among African teams, plucky ties stand out. Aside from ESP 0 – 0 CPV: Egypt 1 – 1 Belgium, Doctor Congo 1 – 1 Portugal, and South Africa (the second worst team I’ve seen at the Mundial IMHO) tied Czechia 1-1.

Ghana and Ivory Coast both won 1-0, but it was against Panamá and Ecuador. We’ll see, we’ll see; all of those four teams still have two more games to play. I’ll start a #MediocreWatch with those four.

Tunisia got trounced 5-1 by Sweden and fired their coach after the game. The substitute is Herve Renard, the French coach of the miracle Saudi Arabia 2 – 1 Argentina in Qatar ’22. Now THAT is both a low-expectations gig AND a plum résumé-building opportunity, a fairy LinkedIn tale in the making.

FANS

Fan furorE is integral to every World Cup. This time, so far, the Scots are earning Most Awesome Fan status after drinking all the beer in Boston and showing up by the thousands with singing and bagpipes. Actual singing too, not the shouty bellowing that drinking produces.

As to the SCO fútbol team, I offer a flower: Morocco narrowly won 1-0 despite MOR players being much faster, fit, skilled, and holding better positions. But the Scots did drink Boston dry, a sad and emasculating day in Irish history. Please DM any and all diaspora shaming from the Emerald Isle.

NEW ZEALAND (aka Oceania) – 0.500 (1 game)

Tied Iran in a cracking 2-2.

Via giphy.com

AFC – 0.333 (11 games)

The “A” is for Asia, then “Football Confederation”. Not talking down. Only disambiguatin’, is all.

In any event, fuck the Chiefs.

Japan, South Korea, Iran, and Australia were the projected continental powers. At present, Iran is battling world-class competition and gulag logistics, among many political slights. Australia got quite embarrassed by the USA yesterday, and Korea could only manage a brave effort in an ugly game @ MEX.

Japan is Japan. They’ll go far, I think.

Newcomers Uzbekistan, Iraq and Jordan lost their only game, but all scored their first World Cup Goals. For me, that’s freakin’ fascinating. In fact, let’s expand the field to other presumed overmatched teams.

NON-ASIAN NEWBIES

CONCACAF’s Curaҫao also got their first Mundial goal against Germany:

And AND, Cape Verde Cape Verde got their first Mundial point after winning a tie from Spain. OK ok, one more Spain meme:

I know, I know. But peeps, being easily amused is a blessing!

EARLY GAMES

Netherlands v. Sweden – 1 Eastern, Imaginary Stadium (Houston)

I’d say this is the match of the day, but will miss it. Therefore,

Spite Prediction: NED suffers a freak own-goal in the third minute, both teams spend the rest of the game reenacting the Battle of the Somme in midfield NED 0 – 1 SWE

Germany v. Ivory Coast – 4 Eastern, Blue Jay Way (Tirana)

Will deffo watch this one.

FINALLY,

Facts and figures can be wrong. I’m a human with deadline dammit.