Request Line: A Prom To Die For – Part 13 (Emergency Services)

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

All the lights are…actually, most of the lights are out.  A single spotlight is pointed at a disco ball on the ceiling, the reflections from which faintly illuminate DJ 3000′ as it boots up…

…to a studio that has remained mostly empty during the NFL offseason thus far.  As we watch, DJ 3000”s console flashes the text "TCP-IP connection request sent..." shortly followed by "TCP-IP connection secured...receiving data..." before cutting to a security camera displaying the interior of a history classroom.

INT. SOSCATEE HIGH SCHOOL MATHEMATICS CLASSROOM – NIGHT.

and ANGIE MARTINEZ and RACHEL DUNBARTON are huddled closely together on the ground behind the teacher’s desk, in the midst of a heated conversation.

RACHEL DUNBARTON: [clearly agitated] …and they established very clearly in the Expanded Universe and later in Solo that the “twelve parsecs” of the Kessel Run refers to the actual distance traveled because he’s cutting so close to a series of singularities along the travel route.

HUNTER RENFROW: [also clearly agitated] Yes but there’s lots of nonsense in Solo that got injected into canon that simply shouldn’t be there.  Like how Han got the name “Solo”.  If you ask me, that movie shouldn’t even exist.

ANGIE MARTINEZ: Hey, I have an idea.

RACHEL DUNBARTON and HUNTER RENFROW both turn to look at her. 

ANGIE: So, I haven’t actually seen any of the Star Wars movies…

RACHEL DUNBARTON and HUNTER RENFROW both look aghast.

ANGIE: …but the question is why Han Solo, when he was trying to characterize his ship as fast, said his ship could make the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs when a “parsec” is actually a unit of distance, right?

RACHEL: Right.

ANGIE: And all of the Star Wars fans have come up with convoluted explanations to explain why what he said was actually accurate?

HUNTER: That’s correct.

ANGIE: Okay, so this is probably going to come as an unwelcome shock to you two, but sometimes cool people – you know, your lovable rogue types like Han Solo – do things to mess with uncool people.  Sometimes it’s just for fun, but sometimes – like in this particular case – it has a purpose.

RACHEL: Go on.

ANGIE: So you’ve got these two – pardon my language – massive dorks who walk into a bar.  One of them is a kid who is obviously fresh off the farm, he might as well have a piece of hay sticking out of his mouth, the other is an ancient dude in a robe.  They obviously don’t belong here, but seeing Obi Wan wave his light saber around would probably clue Han – who has been around and has probably heard of the Jedi – into the fact that the old man is one. Or has dementia and at least suffers from the delusion that he is one.  Now the Jedi are basically these legendary warrior monks, everybody who has heard of them knows this.  Do monks do their own astronavigational calculations?

RACHEL: No they do not.

ANGIE: That’s right, they’ve got droids for that. Do you see any droids accompanying this mysterious duo?

RACHEL: No you do not.

ANGIE: That’s right, because the droids were turned away at the door.

HUNTER: What’s your point?

ANGIE: My point is that Han’s boast is a test.  He’s checking to see if these two rubes actually know anything at all about interstellar travel. He’s expecting one of two responses:  One – they call him on his bullshit and threaten to walk away and he’s got to quote them a fair price if he wants to close the deal. Or two, they just nod along and murmur “wow, that really is fast” at which point he knows he can charge an arm and a leg for passage.  Which is what happens.

RACHEL DUNBARTON and HUNTER RENFROW both think this over quietly. 

HUNTER: Wait a minute…I thought you said you’d never seen these movies.

ANGIE: Oh, I was just fucking with you. You know, the way that cool people do.

RACHEL: [chuckles] Well played, Angie.

ANGIE: So I’ve been wondering…when are the cops going to show up? Or paramedics, or the fire department?

HUNTER: [grumbles] Well we’d find out if Rachel hadn’t prevented me setting up that natural gas booby trap in the chemistry lab.

RACHEL: That was an incredibly reckless idea and you know it. The odds of the killer being in the vicinity of the lab when it blew up were virtually zero, anyways.

ANGIE: Yeah but it’s been almost two hours since the killer tried to throw that javelin at Richie during the coronation ceremony.  Someone would have called the police.

RACHEL: And then of course there was the fire in the A/V Club room.

HUNTER: Yeah…that is a little weird.  DJ 3000′, can you hear me?

DJ 3000′: [via intercom] YES HUNTER RENFROW, I CAN HEAR YOU.

HUNTER: How come the cops haven’t shown up? Or the fire department?

DJ 3000′: MY UNDERSTANDING IS THAT THERE IS A MAJOR INCIDENT THEY ARE RESPONDING TO.

HUNTER: Man…it must be a pretty big deal if they can’t respond to a bunch of high school kids getting murdered and the building being set on fire.

CUT TO:

EXT. TRAFFIC JAM ON CULVER BOULEVARD – DAY.

Establishing shot of a Tesla Swastikar Cybertruck on fire in the middle of the road. A huge emergency services response is blocking both lanes of traffic for as far as the eye can see. 

CUT TO:

INT. BACK SEAT OF A FULLY AUTONOMOUS WAYMO VEHICLE STUCK IN THE AFOREMENTIONED TRAFFIC – DAY.

The PRODUCER is glaring out the window in frustration.

DJ 3000′: SORRY ABOUT THE TRAFFIC JAM KEEPING YOU FROM ARRIVING HERE AT THE STUDIO AND FULFILLING YOUR MISSION.  MAYBE I CAN PLAY SOME MUSIC FOR YOU WHILE YOU WAIT?

PRODUCER: It looks like I’m going to be here for a while, so…why not. I’m all tapped out for topic ideas, though.

DJ 3000′: NO PROBLEM, I’VE GOT IT COVERED.  WE’LL DO “EMERGENCY SERVICES.” COPS, PARAMEDICS, THE FIRE DEPARTMENT…AND MAYBE TO FLESH THINGS OUT A BIT WE’LL INCLUDE SITUATIONS IN WHICH THEY WOULD BE CALLED.

PRODUCER: Don’t we have a friend who works in that industry?

DJ 3000′: WE DO AND I’D LOVE TO GET HIM ON THE PHONE BUT WE’RE SHORT ON TIME SO LET’S GET THINGS ROLLING WITH A LITTLE SUBLIME.

Today’s theme is “Emergency Services”.  We’re looking for songs about the paramedics, firemen, and the police, and the kinds of situations that would cause them to be called.  There’s a decent amount of overlap with some topics we’ve already done so please try to avoid taking the easy way out and requesting songs about, say, fire and focus instead on songs about smoke.  Or specific types of structure fires.  Or riots whereby structure fires are a side effect.  Hopefully this will work out; you have no idea how hard it is not to repeat topics at this point.  Please post links as “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8L4(kL0v3#1”.  Last week there was no puzzle because your host is a bum who doesn’t plan his time well.  Still hoping that BeefReeferLives rejoins us here – everyone else, let’s light it up!