The 2023 Los Angeles Rams, Or the Aftermath of F Them Picks

As many of you know, I am not a fan of the Los Angeles Rams. As a franchise that left my city, burning bridges and goodwill on the way out, Stan Kroenke and his hairpiece, Kevin Demoff, Roger Goodell, and the rest of the liars and crooks that ignored the NFL’s rules on relocation to squirrel the team out of town can burn in lava.

HOWEVAH, that’s not what we’re here for today, so (DEEP BREATH) let’s talk about the corpse of the Los Angeles Rams and how quickly the “Fuck Them Picks” strategy can build, and destroy, a truly dominant team.

The Rams, famously, won a title in their soulless new stadium 2 seasons ago, and were 5-12 last year, in one of the worst, and most hilarious, seasons by a defending Super Bowl championship. It was blatantly clear that they built the team to coincide with the Super Bowl being held at the new stadium, and anything after that was unimportant. Hence, 2022’s 5-12 season.

(Side note – it’s STILL weird to write out 17 game season results like it’s normal.)

How did the Rams react to this steaming pile of a season, where they lost Matt Stafford, Cooper Kupp and Aaron Donald to injuries during the season? Well, there really wasn’t much that Les “Hired for a great head of hair” Snead could do, as he had traded his first round pick up until approximately the heat death of the universe. So he tried to recoup some of those losses by moving former all-world corner Jalen Ramsey to the Dolphins, but got back a bag of bocce balls and a cuban sandwich, which likely won’t do much to move the needle.

The Rams signed a backup QB, Brett Rypien, and brought in Demarcus Robinson at WR, but since they had no cap space or draft picks, there wasn’t much they could do to add more veteran talent, and they’ve forgotten how to do anything else.

Sean McVay has, hilariously, contemplated retiring and living off that fat Chunky Soup cash every offseason since winning the Super Bowl, always a sign that they’re giving it all. Matthew Stafford and Aaron Donald seem to be doing the same calculus in their heads, and don’t seem long for the organization.

This offseason went so poorly that Kevin Demoff, PROFESSIONAL LIAR, sent an open letter out to the season ticket holders essentially telling them how much the team would suck in 2023. He let them know that the team would still try to win (sounds of me laughing quietly) but would “pull back on our typical approach to help continue our sustained run of success.” This means that they’re going to have to pay attention to the salary cap, keep the few draft picks they still had, and eat salary cap shit to the tune of $72.2 million this season. “We’re the ‘boring’ Rams this year,” said Snead, always a sign of a promising season.

So what could be fun this season for the Rams? Well, Kupp, Stafford and Donald are all back, making the extremely top-heavy Rams roster look slightly less crappy. Kupp is one of the most fun fantasy players to have, so that’s nice.

Stafford is recovering from a concussion and a “spinal cord contusion” which, fuck that and all. Stafford has millions of dollars and a Super Bowl ring, so the decision to come back to get his ass kicked behind a suspect line seems odd, but some people dig that.

Donald is an all-time great, one of the greatest defensive linemen to ever put on a uniform and manhandle an interior guard. He can’t make up for the complete lack of talent around him though, so the defense will be one to play your matchups against.

The best case scenario for the Rams is that McVay coaches them up, Donald dominates, Kupp, who had one of the most ridiculous seasons in NFL receiver history in 2021, does that again, and Stafford stays upright and finds him. Cam Akers looked great down the stretch, and Tyler Higbee is a serviceable tight end, so they may move the ball effectively again.

The worst case for the Rams is that Stafford, Kupp and Donald are all actually washed up. This could actually be the fall of Rome year for the Rams, with the real rebuild starting in 2024 or (gulp) 2025. This could be the worst team in football with one ill-timed injury, which isn’t something that well-built teams usually see.

The truth is, it’ll be somewhere in the middle. BetMGM has them at 6.5 wins this year, which seems like a good compromise between “huge bounceback” and “collapse of society” that seem to be the likely outcomes.

This is a team with no depth, and players in the lineup that have little-to-no experience, but the big dogs will eat some weeks, and they’ll get some wins, particularly early in the season. The Rams are taking their medicine after years of eating candy, and it’s going to taste terrible, but they’ll be better for it in the future.

RAMMIT