Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 12, 2023 Season

Oh man, it just hit me – does a SeaTruther loss in Week TWAAAALLLLLVVVE hurt worse?  Like time and a half?

But that was Thursday’s mess, let us talk of SUNDAY.

The early schedule looked a bit shit, and boy howdy did it ever live up to the hype.  Light a candle for DonT, having to sit through the Will Levis Tits against the Bryce Young Black Panthers.  El Tractorcito scored twice to return from the fantasy ded, and I can recall absolutely fuckshit else about this game.  Tennessee holds on for a boring-but-easy 17-10 win.

Congratulations to the Canadia-free Yinzers, topping the 400 yard mark on offense for the first time in…I think Scott Hanson said FIFTY-EIGHT GAMES??  How is that even possible?  That only translated to one TD and three field goals, but that would suffice for a 16-10 win over WKRP in mourning.  Jake Browning wasn’t a catastrophe, but their season is clearly over.  Coach Epps moves to 7-4, and inches closer to yet another playoff berth.  Friar Muth had a big game, good for him and his abbey.

The worst game, though, was clearly Saints/Falcons.  Atlanta seemed to toggle between various sinmgle digit leads the entire game, and eventually won 24-15.  All 5 Saints FGs were fairly long, despite Emo Carr throwing for over 300 yards.  This game was just absolute pants.  Everytime Red Zone flipped to it, my brain went into lobotomy mode.  Bijan Robinson scored twice, which is something, I guess.  5-6 gets you a home playoff game as NFC South champions, as of this weekend.  Yeesh.

Break up the Fat Humps?  Out of nowehere (OK, out of getting Jonathan Taylor back), Indy is 6-5 and on the precipice of playoff football.  They seem pretty bad, but sometimes opportunistic is enough.  It certainly was against the visiting MRSA Men, who finally got Rachaad White 100 yards rushing.  But the injury-riddled defense wore down, in the face of some punishing runs.  27-20 was your final.

Tank Bowl in the Swamp!  No, the Jersey one.  The first half was as sad and pathetic as football could possibly get.  The Public Shaming of White Mac finally played out its final chapter, with the hound dog-faced shithead throwing two pickerceptions and fumbling (which one of the P*ts OL somehow recovered).  But one of those picks set Mantis Toboggan up for a TD pass, and his Vertically Enhanced brethren went into half up 7-nil.  Enter Bailey Zappe again, who slowly and check-downedly moved New England down the field for an immediate equalizer.  After that…nothing, until late Q4.  Giants get in really long FG range, and make it.  P*ts get into chip shot FG range, and miss by about 20 yards left (Hippo exaggerates, but not much).  Chad Ryland, new Tank Commander (per Sharkbait, enduring the taunts of his victorious wife).  10-7, VEP win.  They’s on a heater!

The best game (by default) was for Surly Duff supremacy.  Houston won in Duval waaayyyyy back in Week Three, so a sweep would put them in commanding position.  CJ Stroud made a game of it, but also missed a couple of throws by *just* a few yards, and then we literally had a “game of inches” as the potential tying FG (from 58 yards) doinked off the crossbar and back into the end zone.  Prison Girlfriend’s early passing bounty holds up for the 24-21 win, and they look good value to go back-to-back in the division.  I can’t figure the Jaguras out, not one bit.

Much like the two competitors in the “good late window” game, Buffalo and Philly.  Bills Mafia came into SEPA a wounded, cornered animal.  6-5, and not winning many tiebreakers.  Rough December schedule ahead.  And for 3 quarters, they pretty much kicked the Iggles’ ass.  Sure, the scoreboard only said “24-14” – but the yardage, and the balance of play to the neutral eye certainly indicated worse.  You suspected one more gut punch would do.  Then you blinked a few times, took a piss…and Philly had jumped into a 28-24 lead.  Wha’ happen?  Buffalo then wisely leaned into their running game, working the body of a tired Philly front seven.  Lots of time off the clock, capped by a short TD toss for the 31-28 lead.

By now, the rain was pretty heavy, and the field conditions pretty sloppy.  But Hurts got his men past the 50, with decent time left.  But a penalty forced them to burn one timeout, and then the last after a short run.  You were looking at 3rd and long, 54 yard FG if you can’t get a chunk of yardage before rushing on the placement team.  Then, Kelce flinched for the second BLEERGH in 3-4 snaps, followed by a short incompletion.  Now, 4th and 18 or kicking a 59-yarder in the slop.  Sirianni chose the latter, and Jake Elliott absolutely drilled it.  31-31, and we go to Extra Time.

Bills win the toss, and I started thinking “FG/FG/Glorious Draw.”  A suspect roughing call meant Buffalo would go three for three on 3rd and kinda long, before Brokeback threw the wrong route on what should have been a TD.  We do get the FG, leaving said Draw in play.  Field conditions would come into play again near midfield, as AJ Brown dropped a 2nd down throw as he started to cut up field.  I agreed with the call on the field (incomplete), no third step or time element or football move, yada yada.  But it was CLOSE.  I am sure Bills Mafia felt aggrieved – but we play on.  3rd and 4 gets converted, the clock keeps ticking.  Another big play to the boundary, and we are all the way down to Buffalo’s 12.  Now THEY just want to hold on for the Draw.  But they get a QB draw instead, and Hurts basically walks in the winner.  37-34, the Iggles completely make no sense but win again.  Buffalo?  They are the anti-2022 Vikings.  They either beat your brains in, or lose at the very death.  Now they are 6-6, having lost to Denver (and other possible tiebreaker teams).  No bueno.

The rest of the window was AFC West time to shine, with blown 14-zip leads the flavoUr of the day.  First, you had the home Donks (WOO!!), astonishing the faithful again with TD runs by Charmslinger and Samaje Perine.  Sure, #ThePauls managed to chip away with two late FGs, but you felt pretty good with a 14-6 HT lead.  Not so after an opening punt followed by a long (yardage and time of possession) drive punctuated by The Picture of Dorian Thompson-Robinson getting his first NFL TD pass.  The two was no good, but Mile High sat nervously on a 14-12 lead.  Thankfully, the defense continued its amazing (unsustainable?) turnover binge, leading to a FG and then a successful challenge flag on an absolute dime from Wilson to Trautman (one of our seventy-billion BLOCKING tight ends) at the very corner of the end zone.  Somehow, this looked even harder than the MNF throw-and-catch combo from Wilson to Sutton.  That made it 24-12, with a FG and a safety dance providing the final (Scorigami!!) margin.  Denver (like Philly) has run off 5 wins in a row.  We make no sense whatsoever, but hot damn is it ever fun.  Tiebreakers over BOTH Buffalo and Cleveland now.  10-7 almost surely would suffice, maybe even 9-8.

That’s Rikki’s Raiders! also ran out to a two-TD lead, over the supposedly mighty Chefs.  But this just seemed to make Mahomes (and his defense) mad, and KC closed on a 31-3 run.  Fucking ouch.  It seemed like Vegas could barely make a first down in the second half, as the home side fall to 5-7.  They could use the imminent bye, for sure.

Arizona…just needs it to be 2025 already.  They took an 8-7 lead over RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT! in the desert, and did nothing else until garbage time.  They did everything possible that was bad, though – including a holding BLEERGH to negate a 56-yard FG at the HT gun.  At the end of Q3, fresh-off-IR running back Kyren Williams had outgained the entire Qards offense.  Mercifully, it ended with a late garbage score for a 37-14 final.

Nobody asked for Clippers du Merde in prime time, but that’s exactly what you get.  At least Lamar! gets to visit SoCal, but ’twas still a pretty boring game.  Well, I made it up to where the Clips punted on 4th and 1, down 13-3 midway through the third.  Fetch ain’t gonna happen.  See y’all JV NFL Conference Saturday!