Oh my.  My, my, my.  Every game can’t be a Van Gogh, but we will always have Lake Effect Bearsenschiesse (h/t LemonJello).

Because our DUUUUUVVVVAAALLLL imaginary pal very much sent the best prayer ever into the universe, asking how they could produce the most Bearsenschiesse ending to their near-comeback (which followed their amazeballs, Supernova-ish collapse)?

I mean, I can’t embed a clip of the play because The Shield.  But y’all certainly have seen it by now.  Strawberry Fields takes an absolute beating, buying time in the pocket to throw as pretty a Hail Mary as you’ll ever see.  #ThePauls even played it decently, trying to knock it down.

But “down in front” lay Darnell Moody.  Somehow facing the giant pile of humanity at the back of the end zone, but still across the goal line.  The ball fell RIGHT to him, at not at immense speed.  Hit him right in the chest/hands.

And he volleyballed it to a defender for a pickerception.  Thank Sweet Baby Jesus for all of us who started #ThePauls’ D/ST.

This all followed the “finger painting with excrement” Q4, where Joe Flacco (who very much has turned back into a Elite pumpkin) tried time after time to throw a backbreaking pickerception.  But Chi**** wouldn’t take it.  Perhaps expecting a trap?  This turned a 17-7 deficit into a Draw, then into the eventual 20-17 Believeland win.  I watched most of this game, due to a number of RedZone hour blowouts.  I still don’t understand how it happened.  Were it not FOAR Chi****’s participation, I might not even BELIEVE IT HAPPENED.  All glory to the spirit of NFL entropy.

Myles Garrett remains Hippo’s NFL MVP.  You aren’t going to change my mind.  He’s a goddamned force of nature, carrying a prehistoric offense to 9-5.  Unheard of for a DL.

Houston/Other Houston was also entertaining, if not very well-played.  Seriously, the 500s not only had to go on the road and play their ex – but said ex was also wearing their favoUrite, misappropriated concert T-shirt the whole time.  While starting Case Keenum at QB.  Putative DonT son-in-law Will Levis mostly game managed, despite a few very impressive individual, pre-Festivus Feats of Strength.  It seemed like it would be enough, certainly at 13-nil (Q2) and 16-9 (late Q4).  But somehow, some way – Current Houston clawed their way into the tying score.  Extra Time awaited, and almost 2023’s first Most Glorious Draw.  I think Vrabel Resilient Fuckos (nods at DonT) sacked Keenum like 5 times in OT alone.  But one stinking jailbreak screen set the 500s up to kick the game-winner from 54 yards, with no time remaining.  19-16, DeMeco Ryans clinches Hippo’s Coach of the Year vote.

In a rare bit of sentiment, give it up for the Black Panthers, marching the length of the pitch for the winning FG, on a waterlogged Charlotte afternoon.  Wisely, they took 3 knees from the 1, to make sure Atlanta couldn’t respond.  Special teams was trusted to handle the elements, and the 9-7 win.  Bryce Young wasn’t good, but he fucking hung in there and didn’t quit.  Maybe now he can relax a bit?  Nobody wants to see Desmond Ridder in the playoffs, and maybe now we won’t.

Because MRSA men (behind a career day for Baker Mayfield and a beastly Rachaad White) beat Green Bay 34-20, and Emo Carr methodically ground the Vertically Enhanced Persons into 24-6 dust.  It was a rough day for Dr. Mantis Toboggan, but he’ll always have last week’s NFC Offensive Player of the Week.  Saints and Bucs sit at 7-7, surely one of them can manage 9-8?  I’d rather see Mayfield in the playoffs, note that he’s been way better in 2023 than 2022 MRSA Dreamboat – with no better a supporting cast.

It was also a rough day for the reigning AFC Offensive Player of the Week, who got brain owie’d in Q2 to mercifully end his putrid afternoon.  Monkey Trev was no better, and they lost 30-nil to Fuck You Dolphin!  It’s always nice to not play particularly well (missing the inactive Tyreek Hill) and win by 30, with a clean sheet in the process.  J-E-S-T formally eliminated from playoff contention, so Q-aron can stop his swanning about practice.

Pyrrhic win much?  Kansas City got the local Swifties the 27-17 win in Foxborough, but Kelce dropped an easy TD and then got hurt late.  Ruh roh.  Mahomes still got over the 300 yard hump, and Rashee Rice played very well (again).  We’ll see how serious the leg owie is, but at least it wasn’t his third leg, Ms. Swift!

You might expect RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! to absolutely murder kill the Commies, especially at home.  You’d be right.  The competitive portion of the game ended with a long TD to an uncovered Cooper Kupp.  Goddamnit.  Ron Rivera, coaching out the string – finally benched Rebecca Malone late.  And there was much rejoicing (Brissett almost instantly led 2 TD drives).  Technically, the final was 28-20, but the outcome was never in doubt.

One state over, the “home” Qards put up some fight, but were no match, quality-wise, for the travelling Tomsulas.  The competitive portion of the game ended with a long TD to an uncovered CMC.  Goddamnit.  Wee Kyler got temporarily ded again, to add injury to insult.  Santa Clara clinches the NFC West, 45-29.  Darnold even got to play!

That left That’s Horatio’s Cowpersons! making the trip to WNY to take on a desperate Bills Mafia.  It’s the kind of banana skin that past Dallas squadrons would deffo slip upon, and the current varietal asked said banana skin to Hold Its Beer.  Buffalo led 21-3 at the half, and Brokeback proceeded to finish the demolition of Hippo’s fantasy lead/hopes.  It got as bad as 31-3, before some Non-Gendered scoring deep into garbage time – with starters in for Dallas, because BlueBunny.  31-10, fin.

I’m not writing up SNF because I don’t wanna, but see all y’all next weekend.