Hola fellow DFO’er.  Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back even though GTD is off on vacation abroad with Mrs. Decision—Happy Anniversary Woooo! I trust they’re having a great time and enjoying a prime marriage event: being in international waters with no brood in sight. Slammin’.

On the local front, daym. Day Job has been all-consuming for the past two months. Even going out to eat with Madre or friends, I’ve lapsed PLENTY into “thusly”, “payable in 30 days”, “put it in writing”, “corroborating witness”, “unilateral covenant”, “fruit of the poisoned tree”, etc. when the check arrives. It’s all good; I like my job and I’m pretty much the same sententioUs dick in every platform.

[Checks to see if fishing for compliments worked]

Yeah yeah, this ain’t about 🎶🎶meeee🎶🎶. Here are the comments of the week as determined by my very questionable taste. WARNING: I’m a Classic Editor fundamentalist (Block Editor?! [winces]), so the format is a bit off.

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-Brick Meathook

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I had a Big Turk once.

It was gross. What a sign of the disgusting wealth of the fashionable west.

-blaxabbath

I had a Big Turk once.

For a second there, I thought this was a Buddy Cole comment.

-Dunstan

oh honey, I wouldn’t stop at ONCE

-King Hippo

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Flagged as violent or graphic content on Facebook. Glad I have AI to protect me from the harrowing experience of kitten pictures

-Doktor Zymm

Well that is a fur lined murdering machine

-Mr. Ayo

Is it the fur? Because I still get uncensored Cybertruck pictures

-Doktor Zymm

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THESE GUYS THE PARTICIPANT TEAMS OF THE TOYOTA AFL PERMIERSHIP I CALL THEM RUDOPLH GIULIANI AMD FORMER ARIZONA REPUBLICAN PARTY CHAIR KELLI WARD YESTERDAY PLEADING NOT GUILTY IN AN ARIZONA COURT TO CONSPIRACY, FORGERY, AND FRAUD CHARGES BECAUSE THEY KNOW WHAT THEIR SCHEDULE IS GOING TO BE LOOKING LIKE THIS SUMMER AND IF YOU’RE INTO HAVING SEX WITH YOUR OWN FAMILY, YOU’RE IN FOR A BAD TIME.

-blaxabbath

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I hate people. I’m glad no one here is people.

-Doktor Zymm

I’m real people real people real people real people real people {error code 2765932}

-Brick Meathook

Soylent Green is tasty, though…

-WCS

Imaginary people are the best!

-Gumbygirl

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MRS. DEADLY, ESQ.: I just read of this really cool hack, you can use a french press as a cocktail shaker…

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: As opposed to using one of the multiple cocktail shakers that we own…?

-Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

She’s using those to make coffee

-Dunstan

So….are you saying that any cylindrical container with a lid can be used like any other cylindrical container with a lid? WILD

-Doktor Zymm

Yeah, I’m not sure when everything became a “life hack.”

The other day, I used a paper towel as a napkin — LIFE HACK!

-Dunstan

I used a juice jug as a sneaky decanter for years when I couldn’t afford one.

-litre_cola

THIS ONE SNEAKY HACK WILL MAKE YOUR CHEAP WINE TASTE BETTER!!

-Doktor Zymm

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Hans Moleman presents “Man Getting Hit By Baseball”

-Redshirt

He will not be able to “Raise It” for a bit after that one.

-Mr. Ayo

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Winnipeg Handshake

Smashing a beer bottle on the ground and jabbing it toward someone with a hand shaking motion.

 I lipped this guy off so he jumped out of the back of his car and greeted me with a Winnipeg Handshake.

I was at Torque Brewery, across from my hotel. Bar maid, maybe 25, told me that on Thursday a dude came in with a knife, and demanded the till. She said no, he came behind the bar and when he wasn’t paying attention she punched him 4 times. he was out, then the cops came. She said she is in cop school and you should never do that, instinct took over.

In no way would I figure this lassie would bein cop school, and she did say everyone hates cops but here we are.

-litre_­cola

Scariest chick I ever saw was a tiny Hispanic lass at Renzo’s in Silver Spring, MD. I’m nawt entirely sure what the provocation was, but she went down or was knocked over and in process of that she broke off the bottom of her beer bottle on the table edge and came up lightning quick ready to CUT. Her friends were right there and grabbed her before damage was done, but damn.

-Doktor Zymm

Latina? Yeah, that checks out. She probably learned that from her uncles when she was in elementary school.

-ballsofsteelandfury

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/so wifey had an adventure yesterday evening

She went out looking to cut some wild rhubarb. After finishing the task she put the knife into the plastic bag with the rhubarb and went on her way. This is a kitchen knife that I had specially made two months ago. Believe it or not, the knife blade went thru the bag and cut her calf open to the tune of four sub-dermal(?) stitches and six surface stitches. She didn’t call me until she was at the hospital and said everything was fine, she’s getting patched up. (she’s the least dramatic person I know)

Her: [gets home, tells me everything that happened in detail]

Me: “I have to ask one thing…”

Her: “I know, I know, that was so stupid of me.”

Me: “Is…is the knife okay?”

-scotchnaut

“Oh the irony!”

– United Hobos of Northern Ontario Local 325

-ballsofsteelandfury

Well now you have plausible deniability for DNA on the blade.

-Sharkbait

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I don’t understand the “I had to restrain myself from telling people, ‘DON’T DO THIS’” thing.

Wouldn’t that be the right thing to do? I mean, people will do what they want, but the point of career days should be for people to go into a field with eyes wide open as to the potential pitfalls.

Then again, I’m the anti-WCS and I’d be the WORST 911/suicide prevention hotline operator.

-ballsofsteelandfury

Pfft. You’re just still bitter about the time in college when they announced career day and you thought they said “rear day”.

-Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Ciao Tutti

-2Pack

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Look if it’s against the rules the rub my balls in the chicken al pastor at Chipotle they should clearly post it at the entrance

-Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show

Our “no rubbing your balls in the chicken al pastor” sign is provoking a lot of questions that are already answered by the sign.

-Dunstan

I was just using my “Double Protein” award

-Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show

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[FINAL: Vichy Whalers 3 : 0 Rangers]

-Sharkbait

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Found a funny:

My favourite sex position is the JFK, I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

-Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

And it all goes back and to the left.

-Senor Weaselo

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but if you work for yourself and hate your job…ain’t that just self-abuse?

-King Hippo

But I only like to give it hard…

-blaxabbath

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the WNBA should be the final move to get the Leafs a Cup.

-King Hippo

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Four day weekend wooo!

-Sharkbait

Same. Gonna make a pomegranate margarita in a little bit to kick this thing off, the way Washington, Jefferson, and Adams intended when they invented this holiday.

-Horatio Cornblower

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Flowers today at Merrifield Garden Center, Virginia.

Taking pictures of pretty flowers is the easiest gig in the world. Just press the button, make sure it’s in focus.

-Brick Meathook

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Just booked two nights at a hotel in Millinocket, Maine, so that I can climb mile-high Mt Katahdin in late July. Climbed it once myself, 38 years ago. I was 17 and my knees didn’t hate me yet. There’s a good chance I won’t need the second night, since I’ll either be dead or in a hospital.

Here’s a picture of The Knife Edge, one of the trails we may use.

-Horatio Cornblower

Is that bit of blue at the bottom what is left of the last hikers? You know, a skeleton still wearing the t-shirt they died in?

-ArmedandHammered

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What the internet was made for.

-BugEyedBoo

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If you do decide to grow your own mint, I implore you to containerize it. Mint is a runner, it will take over your yard. Eventually, the planet. It’s like bamboo, except it smells better.

-Gumbygirl

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Trying to learn what Senpai teach

-DJ Taj

Outstanding, Grasshopper. Outstanding!

-Brick Meathook

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[“Bones” Request Line]

And this was just sitting right there

-yeah right

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You were never safe in a B-29 under any circumstances, even on the ground on a calm sunny day.

-Brick Meathook

It’s true; I went to an air museum once and one of them hit me in the back of the head and stole my wallet.

-Horatio Cornblower

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Found a funny:

blood is thicker than water and that’s my secret to winning the annual gravy contest every time

-rockingdog

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Further Adventures in Sharp Knives:

Late Last Evening + Drinking + Washing Dishes + Blood-thinners + Knives= Blood everywhere and Wifey insisting I go to the hospital and get stitches.

My Response: “Stitches are for bitches!” (I was really drunk)

-scotchnaut

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Onana is also a really good Keeper, the amount of unjustified shite heaped his way early in the season was nuts

-King Hippo

When you spill your seed on the ground as much as he does there’s bound to be some blowback.

-scotchnaut

-Horatio Cornblower

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According to that song by the year 4545 the players won’t need teeth or eyes, so at least that’s a savings on the health plan

-Doktor Zymm

You already described modern day England.

-yeah right

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Lesser historians will go full Herodotus over 23/24 Man City’s amazing oneble.

-Don T

[

]

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this vacation has been nothing but bullshit: avs eliminated on vacation day 1, wife/child sick through most of the week (im not much better), cable goes out late tues and doesnt come back until yesterday (metronet FINALLY upgrading me from the ancient coax cable system, bout time), need new brakes on both my work car and wifeys honda

and its likely gonna rain on my ass at the indy 500

on the bright side the rotten back porch has been demolished and im finally later this summer getting a proper back porch with a roof and space for a fucking pool…to drink in while the child naps. fuck yes

-fleshwound_NPG

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Found a funny:

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

AI writing assistant: This should be changed to “It was an average time.”

-rockingdog

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Requesting permission to henceforth refer to the Indiana Pacers as the “Pences”.

-Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

one side of the arena can yell “FATHER!” and the other “MOTHER!”

-King Hippo

Approved

-litre_cola

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I can’t believe the Pences are going to blow this

-Mr. Ayo

Oral sex is not allowed by mother, we can’t be like the Reagans.

-litre_cola

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And that’s it. God I’m rusty. Luckily, the upcoming orgy of international fútbol gives a chance to flex the smartassery in post form.

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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.

Stay busy and safe out there.

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