Instant Hippo Thoughts FOAR Week 3, 2016

Week 3 brought us multiple safeties, and multiple fat guy TDs. It was fun that way. It was also plenty surprising, as we will discuss below…

Holy shit, Philadelphia. I very smugly dismissed you in the late games preview, and you done showed me fer what. More so than Carson Wentz, it was the Iggles defense that impressed the hell out of me. Very rare that anyone makes the Stiller machine look like a pop gun outfit like that. Perhaps the NFC East will send a team to the playoffs that actually belongs there this season?

Surprise deux…the Ryan twins ain’t quite dead in WNY, as Carson Palmer proved he is still quite capable of pulling an outhouse performance at any point in time. Aside from their safety (WOO!!) the desert birds were just awful across the board. At least David Johnson finally scored some fantasy points, amirite??

I can no longer shit all over Trevor Siemian. Cincinnati very logically game planned to stop the run and dared Trevor to beat them…and beat them he did, by a 29-17 final. 4 TD passes and an airtight 2nd half defensive performance paved the way for the defending champs’ first road win of the season. Perhaps Denver can challenge the P*ts this January after all? Still not 100% convinced, but cautiously optimistic at least.

Aaron Rodgers continues to post big scorelines with otherwise mediocre numbers, building a 28-point lead and holding on for a 34-27 win over Detroit. I am not at all convinced that Green Bay is any good, it’s all smoke and mirrors.

Who is any good? MINNESOTA. After spotting the Panthers an early 10-nil home lead, the vice clamps came down HARD. Cam Newton got safetied (WOO!!) then battered, bruised, and confused by what may just be the best overall unit in the NFL. This is my pick to make the Superb Owl out of the NFC. The defense is THAT GOOD.

Speaking of good defenses carrying an offense, HAI SeaTruthers!! But ruh roh, Russell Wilson now has owies in both legs. That makes quarterbacking awful hard, and even if he hadn’t been super effective the first 2.7 games of the season…nobody thinks rookie Boykin is an acceptable alternative.

Look up the definition of “shitshow” and you should see a picture of today’s Redacteds/Giants game. Diva behavior, fuckups galore, a successful fake punt that had no business so being, etc. In the end, Elisha fucked up last and hardest. But this was non-stop comedy, and nobody should feel good about this one. SHHHHHIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT.

Also a shitshow – Balmer’s win in Jacksonville. The Ratbirds are maybe the worstest 3-0 team in NFL history.

Speaking of shit….Ryan Fitzpatrick. Jeebus Tapdancing Christ. Even in the vast legacy of Jetsing…

Also, the Factory could survive using their 3rd string QB and featuring Terrell Pryor as their #1 offensive weapon (both played surprisingly well), but apparently the #2 kicker was a bridge too fucking far. So another chapter in the book of futility is written, and all the morons who took Miami in my Survivor pool unjustly advance. NOT THAT I’M BITTER OR ANYTHING.

Did anything ever actually happen in Titans/Raiders? If so, I never noticed.

Rams/Bucs was just bonkers in the way only a game between two random, mediocre franchises can be. Tampa’s complete bust of a 2nd round kicker (insert 30 minute laughter break) and a late Rams’ fat guy TD dug a hole that was just a little too deep to rape out of.

T.Y. Hilton saves the day (season?) for the Humps with a great individual play with just over a minute left. Once again, the Bolts are snakebitten, and Old Man Rivers is left cursing his luck and planning his five-state killing spree.

Calling this one in the 2nd quarter – Dallas is just bludgeoning the hapless citizens of Hoyer Country, and it shall get no better. But huzzah for proper sleep before the work week ahead!