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Monday Morning Mock Draft: What’s HE Doing Here?

Horatio Cornblower

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Good Monday Morning folks.  As I write this on Sunday night I am exhausted, having spent most of the day outside either on a deck or in a lake.

Oh, do you not have friends with a lake house to which you are invited when it is hot out?

Pity.

Anyway, like I said, I’m very tired from the heat, water, fresh air, and probably a couple too many cannonballs off the dock.

I wore a much less revealing bathing suit.  I am a gentleman.

Moving on, I’m tired and this is going to be short.  (sotto voice) No, not you!  Back downstairs!

I was casting about for ideas when Redshirt came in like a Middle American Deux ex Machina in the comments of last night’s post and suggested something along the line of actors, (or actresses), who were very good in otherwise bad movies.  So that’s what we’re going for here.

I’m not sure Redshirt has the ability to edit here, so I’m just going to assign his first example as his first choice which is Sylvester Stallone in Guardians of the Galaxy 2 when confronting Yondu for exhaling him.

These are all words that I understand on an individual basis, but not as constructed on that sentence.  I assume my never having see any of the Guardians of the Galaxy movies has something to do with that.

With the second pick I will take Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Ben Stiller’s best friend, Sandy, in the otherwise pretty terrible Along Came Polly.

The rest of you are on the clock.  Big thanks to Redshirt for unknowingly bailing my ass out, and I’m going to bed.

 

 

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m told Bryan Cranston in Godzilla would be an excellent pick.

0
Redshirt

Michael Keaton in “Multiplicity”. His charm and personality carried the movie.

2
Redshirt

Of course, it’s Vance.

Sorry, everyone. Looks like Cincinnati and Ohio let you all down. Yet again.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[shrug] I don’t think it will move any needles.

0
LemonJello

“Ya’ll got any of those needles to spare? Asking for a friend.”

-T. Marinovich

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Moving needles” is how Deanna Favre refers to activities that take place at the end of date night

3
Redshirt

No one knows who he is. He’s my senator and I just today found out he’s from this part of the state.

0
Doktor Zymm

I thought everyone already knew he used to be anti-Trump. No one cares unfortunately

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Still helpful to remind everyone that he is a bootlicking shit heel and hypocrite.

2
Senor Weaselo

As someone who’s been in the same room at him, the best things I can say are he wasn’t the most overtly racist Republican at that event, and he’s the better current senator from Ohio.

Last edited 1 year ago by Senor Weaselo
2
SonOfSpam

His eyeliner is also on fleek.

2
Gumbygirl

Somebody, somewhere, has a picture/video of him in full drag. Patriot, your country needs you!

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He makes Pete Wentz look like a lumberjack.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Sherrod Brown and I would strongly disagree about that last point.

0
Downfield Matriculator

Yep — Sherrod Brown is where the Dems should be lining up. Liberal but on the side of the working man in the way Dems used to be. Like Marcy Kaptur in Toledo, a Congresswoman I worked for one summer back when Fawn Hall was the hot hearing ticket! Sherrod and Marcy keep getting elected in MAGA land because they are not focused on hothouse faculty lounge horseshit.

0
Redshirt

Kevin Spacey in “Superman Returns”. Gene Hackman will be known as Lex Luther but Spacey did it better.

1
Brocky

Sam Rockwell as Justin hammer in iron man 2

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Redshirt

Ha! Marco Rubio isn’t the VP pick! He sold his soul for nothing!

1
LemonJello

“Ha! Shows what you know, I sold my soul a long time ago for this sweet AMC Gremlin.”

-M. Rubio

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LemonJello

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Gumbygirl

My cousin had this beauty as her first car. AMC really cornered the market on hideous green paint in the 70’s!

Used-1974-AMC-Gremlin-1339265063.jpg
3
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I’ll take BrattBrad Pit as Vanisher in Deadpool 2.
[edit] can’t spell

Last edited 1 year ago by BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup
2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Bratt? Is that the porn parody version?

2
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

sure, and I can’t fucking spell

0
LemonJello

Fun Fact: a Brat* Pit is what Andy Reid wants in place of a bounce house at his next birthday party.

*I know, it’s the wurst

5
Brocky

Alan rickman as the sheriff in Robin hood: prince of thieves

https://youtu.be/MhfuuKiTcYQ?si=Tbwt__ItUyLWFx_R

HEART OUT WITH A SPOON!

6
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, that’s a stupendous pick.

1
SonOfSpam

But that implies the movie wasn’t good.

COSTNER INHA BITED THE CHARACTER!

0
Redshirt

Charlton Heston in Waynes World 2. It was a bit part. It was even lampshaded that he was just a joke of a well-known actor replacing a just-above-a-background character, but he did his job way better than what was needed. Forget Vanessa and the wedding; I want to know more about that promise!

Charlton Heston as a Gas Station Attendant in Wayne’s World 2 (1993) (youtube.com)

4
Brocky

Raul Julia as M. Bison in the street fighter movie

https://youtu.be/sjZ5I8l32CI?si=fcsxlyFJM2n2ekvb

For those of you who don’t know, he was cancer stricken, and this would be his final role, but he put everything into this performance, and gave one of the most legitimately great villain movie lines of all time:

For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday.

4
Senor Weaselo

You stole my bit from yesterday!

/Also of course he was phenomenal as Gomez Addams.

1
Horatio Cornblower

My bad, I should have given you that pick.

It’s an excellent example, either way.

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Rosario Dawson in Clerks 2.

I unapologetically enjoy that film, but every scene she’s in is a little jarring since she’s a good actor and everyone else is so bad at acting.

3
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Like even this scene, it’s just the difference between natural feeling dialogue and high school play dialogue.

https://youtu.be/H8zCwVOT1U4?si=RctdMO56MO3r2dOv

0
Brocky

I’ve always said that the weakest parts of the clerks films are the actor who plays Dante.

I understand a lead character is harder to write than funny side characters, but that’s how movies get made.

Also, although its cliche, and they do a relatively good job of downplaying Dawson’s attractiveness, it really comes through sometimes that she is just simply WAY too hot for a fast food place.

2
Redshirt

I don’t have Edit privileges; you don’t give someone like me that much power.

As for my 2nd pick, actually with my other examples, it may be my 5th pick:

Hornswoggle & El Torito – WWE Extreme Rules 2014 – WeeLC Match (its cheating choosing two persons and a wrestling match, but I came up with the topic so I think I earned some leeway – also they are little persons so combined they equal one…nevermind):

Its established that Vincent Kennedy McMahon is a complete monster. Possibly even more so than Donald Trump (cannot confirm conclusively – need to do more research). One thing McMahon is known for is to book things that will make him and only him laugh. Like Elon Musk on The App Formerly Known as Twitter, McMahon was less about making money and entertaining the fans, but using his employees, I’m sorry, contracted temporary employees, as pawns for his own sick pleasure. And he also did stuff in as well.

But besides making a woman strip and bark like a dog or choking out his daughter, he booked two gimmick wrestlers, little persons in a Tables, Ladders and Chairs Match on the Pre-Show of the PPV. A TLC Match is one of the legit most dangerous matching in pro wrestling. With all the weapons, it is the most risky to pull off without getting hurt. It is used to end feuds and championships. Now its being used for a sick man’s jollies. Not only that he replaced the commentators and ring personnel with little persons. This was on the pre-show. The fans are still going in, no one cares about this but only the person in charge.

What do you do in this situation? Do you go through the motions to keep earning your paycheck? Do you tell McMahon to “suck it” and walk out? Or do you put your heads together, put forth all the talent and creativity you have available and steal the show before the show even started?

FULL MATCH – El Torito vs. Hornswoggle – WeeLC Match: Extreme Rules 2014 – YouTube

3
LemonJello

The Cornblower house is going to need more renovations after Lowratio gets all hyped up watching this. He’ll be higher than Eli after visiting the Jelly Belly shop with all his allowance money.

6
Horatio Cornblower

/frantically editing the parental controls on the Wifi

4
Gumbygirl

Since you set the twofer precedent, Imma go with Christopher Lee AND Peter Cushing in every Hammer Dracula movie they did. The movies were schlocky, for sure, but those two elevated the tone.

1
ArmedandHammered

Robert De Niro in Dirty Grandpa

2
Brick Meathook

I’ll take actor Richard Bright. His performance as mob goon “Al Neri” is the only highlight in the otherwise terrible Godfather movies, widely considered some of the biggest bombs in Hollywood history.

https://ibb.co/jzYjmLG

0
Brick Meathook

/this is satire of course

0
Brocky

Adam driver in The last jedi

https://youtu.be/xrg-RgF5F8o?si=Y6IucRDj-bjuF-lg

Poor guy probably needed physical therapy after carrying the last two films

4
Redshirt

Actually, you can extend it too the other actors as well. When the story and plot changes at least three times (“Its Star Wars: The Next Generation. No wait! It about how the force and being the Special One doesn’t matter. No wait! The Emperor’s back! Why? Doesn’t matter, he’s back!), it hard to lose focus.

2
Brocky

Damn star wars fans,

THEY RUINED STAR WARS!

4
Redshirt

It was Rian Johnson. George Lucas didn’t direct Empire Strikes Back, but Irvin Kirshner didn’t change the story that Lucas started.

Han: “Maybe you need more scoundrels in your life.”
Leia: “Not sure I deserve it, seeing how I lived in luxury while the starving masses starve.”
Han: “…uh, okay. I’ll get back to the converter again.”

Han: “Lando’s an old friend. He can help. We go way back and the script is setting up his character, so you’ll know he’s important.””
Lando Calrissian: “I won’t help you. Go to the city the next cloud over.”
Han: “Uh, okay.”

Vader: “Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: “He told me enough! He told me you killed him.”
Vader: “No…”

Spaceballs [1987]: I Am Your Father’s Brother’s Nephew’s Cousin’s Former Roommate (youtube.com)

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Should have picked this first:

Heather Donahue, Blair Witch Project

https://youtu.be/BCaNY75V8oM?si=LG8VZgBUTx5L81Bs

3
Brocky

Again, not bad per say…

But Donald Sutherland’s cameo in beerfest always made me laugh. It’s in my head from his passing

https://youtu.be/ZYjUpXO27w4?si=P4WXr3N9OEOtAyIt

4
ArmedandHammered

Michael Caine in Jaws: Revenge. I heard it did buy him a nice Caribbean home though.

3
BrettFavresColonoscopy

How are we defining bad movies? Because Happy Gilmore is also amazing and terrible and Christopher McDonald gave a genuinely good acting performance as Shooter McGavin. Fully committed, loved it.

8
Horatio Cornblower

It’s completely subjective, therefore ensuring arguments and wasting more of your employer’s time.

6
ballsofsteelandfury

I’m taking Bob Barker then

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1. Leland Orser in Alien: Resurrection. I’m sure this pick would be available all day, but it’s the first thing to come to mind. I was super-high when I watched this movie so I enjoyed it, but I’m told by objective viewers that it’s quite terrible.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxDfECfLlF8

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh – you may remember Leland Orser as “prostitute’s john who was forced to wear the knife dildo suit in Se7en”, another excellent role of his which seems ineligible for this draft because the movie itself was also quite excellent.

0
Doktor Zymm

That always pissed me off for the very obvious reason that the prostitute isn’t doing it for lust while the john IS, yet she’s the one who dies

1
Doktor Zymm

The wife was also killed for no reason, I’m pretty sure the screenwriter was just misogynistic

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The plight of the “Pride” victim certainly supports that theory. But I wouldn’t say the wife was killed for no reason – it was to spring the “Wrath” trap and complete the seven sins cycle.

2
Doktor Zymm

No reason in that she didn’t commit any sins, so it’s inconsistent with his whole schtick

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s true. But there were plenty of inconsistencies in his schtick anyways. I always thought his victim selection of “Sloth” showed as much – it would have made much more sense for him to select a rich, lazy socialite, like a Paris Hilton type.

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