Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 5, 2016

And then, there was one. HAI, Minny!!

Well, I guess we could awkwardly wave to Factory too, but…let’s not and say we did? I am a bad person.

Some frauds got found out this week, and definitely count YOOOOUUUUUSTON amongst them. But give the Vikes credit – they absolutely showed no mercy and ripped them apart. With their top receivers being something called Adam Thielen and Cordarelle Fucking Patterson (from your 2013 waiver wire). This is absolutely a good fucking football team and don’t let anyone tell you any different just because they is QB’d by Sam Bradford.

Also fraudulent? RAM IT!! Buffalo has won 3 straight, apparently for the first time in like 5 years. Think for a bit about how fucking sad that is. Jeff Fisher’s moustache shall return to its lair in the Hills to plot its next move.

Surprisingly NOT fraudulent? Atlanta, who went into Denver and kicked my beloved Donks’ horsey teeth in. I left the bar at 3-20, and did not have cause to regret it. That El Chavo mango habanero cider was fucking great, though. Denver’s mediocre OL was not able to masquerade as “workable” this week. Cancel those Suberb Owl invites FOAR now.

Roll back the hype at least a little bit on Carson and the Iggles, after a narrow loss in Detroit. The golden prayer boy of the Plains finally broke his INT cherry to seal the deal, too. This was good for my fantasy team, and I pumped my fist on the way to the bar. Too bad it was the highlight of the afternoon.

Still unblemished? DAK DAK DAK DAK DAK. And shut the fuck up, Double J. Nobody fucking believes you about Romo getting his job back. The Bungles are in real trouble at 2-3 and staring at a trip to see the Massholes.

Cleveland did not do the world’s best troll job against The Narrative. For fuck’s sake, their 3rd QB died, and Clipboard Jesus had to finish the game.

SOAPBOX TIME. Balmer lost to the Redacteds because their intercepting LB stretched the ball towards the pylon. God forbid you risk giving your offense the ball at the 6-inch line. NAY, you must risk THE ENTIRE POSSESSION by dangling the ball to the very edge of your fingers’ tensile strength. I have no idea why coaches/GMs haven’t come up with an effective method of discipline to stop this, because it is the ultimate dumbass high risk/low reward play in almost every circumstance.

I really hope the Titans pull it together and win the AFC South. They would be so much more interesting to watch in January than the fucking Texans or Humps. Today was a very good sign, even if it came at the expense of the shitshow Dolphins.

Speaking of shitshows…HAI JETS!!! Somehow I ended up catching almost none of this game, on teevee or radio.

The Humps new “get the ball to TY Hilton” plan wins for the 2nd week in a row, though the Bears are again a MUCH tougher out with Jordan Howard in the mix. And out of nowhere stud WR Cameron Meredith, who we first knew existed, what, Thursday?

I missed most of the SNF game (sounds like the QBs sucked for the parts I missed) in favour of representative democracya very special episode of the Jerry Springer show. As usual, I defer to the always excellent Josh Marshall for the analysis and thinky-ness. OBJ made an amazeballs catch to make things interesting, but in the end, twas not enough.