Holy shit, we made it!  Three weeks of MANDATORIUM duty, despite having to start with Jaguras/P*ts – and finish with the goddamned Q-aron Jest.  But challenge us, for DFO will rise up to meet it, with unfettered devotion.

New England ran out to a 10-nil lead, but much like that most painful of young Hippo Owls (Donks/Redacteds)….said start was the falsest of dawn.  Q2 brought a swift and sudden change, and the P*ts never recovered.  It was 25-10 before Duval’s men ran the ball like 30 times in a row.  For once, impulse starting Tank Bigbsy was a GOOD thing, as he was their main sledgehammer, even getting a second, completely unnecessary, garbage time tuddy.  32-16 is your mathematically pleasing final score (exact multiples are my jam).

Seven in the early window, including most of the interesting matchups of the week.  Buckle THA FUCK UP.

Well….on paper, it looked good.  Really, it was all about two games.  Lions away to SKOL was everyone’s Game of the Week, and it delivered.  Vikes went up 10-zip after Q1, but Detroit won Q2 21-nil.  Looked like we might settle into a defensive battle, which it kind of was – Minnesota got a peanut punch fumble recovery score to take a late 29-28 lead.  Baby Buster had a great three quarters, but Q4 was a bit rough.  I mean, until the last drive.  Detroit masterfully bled the clock down as far as they could, before kicking a short(ish) FG for the 31-29 road victory.  Settling for three made sense here, because Touch of Downs only had 15 seconds (and no timeouts) to respond.  That’s miracle territory, which he did not attain.

Green Bay (in “whiteout” kit) hosted the 500s, and that wasn’t bad.  Beatie Mixon scored twice in the first half, before the Packers regrouped at HT and started locking everything down. Packers got the only second half TD to lead 21-19.  Houston finally got a late drive together, but got super-weirdly conservative in the red zone and it bit them.  Fairbairn put them up 22-21, but with more than enough time (1:40, with a timeout) to meander into FG range.  New off-the-street kicker Brandon McManus is good from like 46 at the gun, 24-22 GB.

Miami and the Humps?  CLOSE!  But not in any way, shape, or form good.  Indy didn’t even hit 300 yards in total offense, yet still scored the last 16 points of the game, for the 16-10 win.  Tyler Huntley was awful, then got hurt.  Tim Boyle was worse.  Tua reportedly returns next week, but we shall see.  At 2-4, there isn’t much point, but I guess not deep enough a hole to wave the surrender flag.

Happy Groper Cleveland ‘splodey Achilees Day, for all who celebrate!  SPOILER – everyone celebrated (including the home Factory of Sadness crowd).  Would you have believed that when WKRP’s honky ran the game’s opening kickoff back for 6, they’d have all the points they needed?  Strange but true, since they made their extra point.  #ThePauls got a ChubbDOWN in Q2, but missed theirs.  Burrow tossed two scores in the second half, for a sleepy 21-6 win.  [UPDATE – well, shit – I thought it was over, but 3rd string/emergency rapist Jameis Winston came in for a garbage time score + two, 21-14.]

Nobody understands the SeaTruthers, who – on a 3-game, putrid losing streak…go into Megatron’s butthole and beat the tar shit out of Sherman’s Ashes, 34-14.  Dingleberry’s sack/fumble was returned for 6, ending the competitive portion of the game.  But at least ATL got to sneak their Penix in, for the very first time.

Maybe Saquon was mad after all?  His return to the swamps of Joisey resulted in 187 scrimmage yards, and the Iggles very much DID murder-kill the Vertically Enhanced Persons, 28-3.  Nothing of consequence happened outside of Saquon and a metric fuckton of sacks (on both sides).  Or if sommet did happen, I ain’t notice.  So fucking sue me.

Much like New England and Miami, Tennessee scratched out a 10-0 lead, then laid down and died.  Brockeback found new pal Amari Cooper for the go-ahead score, then laid it on late for a 34-10 final.  It was appropriately boring, fuck knows what the Tits plan is now.

Only three games late, starting with RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! and the Raiders.  So much dysfunction!  I wonder if it felt odd for the Raiders to have THEIR fans in attendance (since game was in LA)?  Anyway, Rod Favra busted his thumb early, Minshew came in and turned the ball over like he is wont to do.  Turnovers led to all 20 RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! points, which is not how you should FITBAW.  The Gospel According to Fatthew tossed his own horrible pickerception at 20-9, which Vegas ran back to the 14.  This led…to a 4th made FG.  Also, not how you should FITBAW.

For a final act, after a missed LA chip shot FG, Minshew had 1st and goal from the 4.  Which became 4th and goal from the 3.5.  Even Pierce knows you have to go for it, they false start and then kick field goal NUMBER FIVE, for the 20-15 loss.  Good Lord.

Black Panthers marched on Washington this week, and it was a very sad thing.  I mean, I make some poor life decisions, but what was going through Dave Canales’ mind when he took this jorb?  Abandon all hopes, ye who enter Hippo’s formative hometown.  Even with Jayden Daniels’ knocked out early (ribs, maybe??), it was over well before HT.  Then it got worse, 37-nil and not even Q4 yet.  Nice to get Mariota a little confidence boost, yeah?  40-7, Commies win in a walk.

Superb Owl rematch!  Ricky Pearsall off the DL with his badass speedholes!!  Thanks to the Vikings’ loss, Kansas City kicked off as the last undefeated team in the NFL.  Thanks to the Tomsulas/Purdy Mouth’s up-fuckitude, they’d end the day with the same status.  Sure hope they had a jizzmopper for the broadcast booth, despite Mahomes playing quite poorly overall.  Damn it, I needed the 3rd KHuntDOWN which I did NOT get.  One goddamned foot short.  Eat shit, Andy.  28-18, stupid fucking Chefs.

Charmslinger makes his Yinzer debut on SNF against the Jest, and although I have to (and will) watch in its entirety – I ain’t saying fuckshit about the game itself.  This is MY conscientious objector-ism time.