(I dunno what it means either; ask Don T.)
/tips hat to Don T. Viva la revolucion, and what not.
Guten Tag, drones!
As promised this week we are drafting movies that are terrible remakes of the books they were adapted from. The rules are simply that it must be a movie, based on a book, and you didn’t like the way they did it. Hopefully we can all listen to Horatio for that little bit.
Also I’d say wait ten picks or 30 minutes between picks, but we all know that stopped mattering sometime around May. But give it a shot anyway.
The idea from this draft came when I read a book recommended by Yeah Right, Frank Brill’s ‘Donnybrook.’ That link will take you to Barnes & Noble, because stop using Amazon, Jeff Bezos has enough money. You can wait two days.
‘Donnybrook’ is a ferocious story about several different people who, with various motivations, are on their way to an off-the-books three-day brawl, (a donnybrook, if you will), in Southern Indiana. It’s a festival of fighting, booze, meth, gambling, and probably sex. The book has great characters and, while a lot or murder and mayhem, the latter never gratuitous or without some motivation consistent with the character’s motivations.
Although there is an awful lot of murder and mayhem; these are very motivated people.
It’s a tremendous read. 240 pages. I knocked it out in a day, and I will read it again.
The weekend after I finished the book I tracked down the movie, (Apple TV+), and rented it for $3.99. It starred Frank Grillo, who’s one of the ultimate ‘That Guy’ in cinema, in that you only vaguely recognize him but when you see him you know you’re in for a good time.
Well, usually in for a good time. Let’s just say $3.99 was a tad much for this turkey.
The movie is ostensibly about several different people who, with various motivations, are on their way to an off-the-books three-day brawl, but in the movie they’re all idiots, insane, or both. One of the main characters decides, in the movie, that bringing his 11-year-old son along is a good idea, although it’s never explained why. Frank Grillo’s character is a psycho with no backstory who just kills people because they annoy him, and also he’s just called ‘Angus’ and not ‘Chainsaw Angus’ like in the book, and he has both eyes in the movie. Chainsaw’s sister in the book is named Liz, and she’s even worse then he is, but in the movie they changed her name to Deliah, implied heavily that she’s fucking or has fucked Angus, (not even remotely implied in the book), and made her this waif who’s just trying to sell one more batch of meth and…oh you know what? Fuck this. Bad enough I sat through it once; there’s no reason to write it all out.*
The book is great, the movie sucks, it’s my #1 pick, and with a bullet.
The rest of you are on the clock.
*You may be wondering about the Donnybrook. In the book it’s six fights over two days, 20 men in a cage, last man standing wins that ‘heat’ if you will. Day 3 the six winners fight for $100K, and the guy running the fights is an evil fuck who will kill the winner if he doesn’t agree to fight for him. In the movie there’s one fight and the guy running the whole thing gets two lines.
Tonight should be interesting…
https://www.wtae.com/article/us-steel-clairton-plant-explosion/65654312
“But the coke’s going to be okay, right?” – the Ghost of Jim Irsay
This is a bit of a stretch so hang with me:
Warriors of the Wind, the 1985 dub of Nausicaä (itself based off the graphic novel that Miyazaki wrote first) that pissed Miyazaki off something fierce where he had to make sure all future movies were not edited.
Sphere by Michael Chrichton
Fantastic novel, with a shockingly bad movie adaptation.
World War Z the book was great, World War Z the movie was something else entirely.
I forgot about that one.
Probably on purpose. Holy shit that was a terrible movie.
I was rooting for the zombies through this whole shitshow.
If I remember correctly they weren’t even zombies, they were just really angry or some shit.
God it was so stupid.
Ah, the movie wasn’t *that* bad – it was basically of average quality for a zombie flick. But had almost next to nothing in common with the book aside from the title.
There’s one that’s staring us in the face-The Great Gatsby with Leo Decap. A remarkably dull movie that misses all the nuances in the book. Did Leo base his acting performance from his girlfriend’s book report? That’s the rumor. Also, Tobey Maguire as Jay who is the narrator? That’s laughable casting right there.
Really shocking that Baz Luhrmann didn’t pull that one off.
It’s strange, but I’m having a much easier time coming up with really good movie adaptations, like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas or Apocalypse Now
I think we did that one, but I’ll double-check.
Especially if it means I don’t have to do any real work next week.
Hitchhikers Guide. With such a conceptually dense novel, you’re either going to leave out a LOT or it’s going to be crammed into two hours in such a way to leave the plot totally fucked. They did both.
Lake Erie
https://ibb.co/b52rfJSg
Worst. Adaptation. Ever.
It looks so much bigger on a map.
And wetter.
(watching CNN) “Can I draft ‘1984’ or has Horatio disqualified me for my last two picks?”
2. Ghost in the Shell. Sure, it’s a graphic novel, but casting Scarlett Johannsen as Motoko Kusinagi made about as much sense as casting Julia Roberts as Harriet Tubman (which apparently was actually once suggested by a sleazy Hollywood executive). Also, the changes they made to the story fucking sucked. Just the most tired, hackneyed, “a secret government agency created and trained her and now they’re trying to kill her” nonsense that is the foundation of 75% of modern action movies.
This. This. This. This. The fucking anime is so fucking fantastic.
I think that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has suffered the same kinda fate. The original comics are dark and gritty. They are not the fun kids movies that they are now
The movie “Ass Fuckers XXXVII” lacked all the subtleties of the book, and didn’t even include the premier ass-fuck scene that is crucial to the plot. Admittedly that scene was probably unfilmable as described in the novella, but they should have tried.
Hear hear!
OK, off topic but I feel this bears mentioning. I am reviewing medical records and just came across this passage:
“She was seen in the ER after a puppy bit her on her vulva”
This deposition is going to go off the rails so fast.
Any mention of peanut butter?
Gonna be my first question.
Must not have used the right brand of peanut butter.
“Real Pervs choose Yiff brand peanut butter for it’s a smooth, creamy, easy to spread, tongue exercising, explosive experience” – Not Endorsed by the Westminster Kennel Club
When my niece was little, she called it her volvo.
“Worst adaptation of ‘The Call of the Wild’ ever”
I hope she meant “uvula” but that’s not much better.
A Wrinkle in Time. What the fuck, Oprah?
Never saw the movie, but based on what I saw of the trailers this is a very good pick.
Agreed. I’m not even a fan of the book, and I still thought the movie was sacrilege.
Peter Jackson’s ‘The Hobbit’ trilogy.
Jackson’s LOTR trilogy was fantastic, but it apparently, and unfortunately, made it impossible for anyone to tell him to rein it in on this project. Technically it’s three movies, but it’s based off of one book.
One book that was in no way long enough to justify three movies, one book that did not include a dwarf-elf forbidden love story, and one book that was better in every way than the movies, either alone or in combination.
I don’t get how the Hobbit, is the smallest book of the four, but then generated as much film as the other 3.
And the old three novels could have made multiple movies each and still have skipped over stuff from the precious books.
Pretty sure it’s that part I mentioned earlier where no one dared say no to Jackson after he pulled off the LOTR.
Assistant: “Hey, Peter? Yeah, so I read ‘The Hobbit’ and it turns out that a lot of the second movie isn’t actually in the book.”
Peter Jackson:
I think that has to do with the fact that Peter Jackson had just made the studios a fuckton of cash with a triology.
Next pick: Live and Let Die
The book was so good that two of the sequences were used in other movies. The movie was a mess that tried to address race but just screwed everything up.
Also, Jane Seymour should have shown more skin…
Catch 22 was a really terrible movie. It gets glossed over and called a classic because of its age but it’s just bad.
I do love the scene where the brass realize Major Major does not actually have the rank of Major.
I liked Mike Nichols’ adaptation. The cast was superb (Alan Arkin as Yossarian! Newhart as Major x4!), and the non-book stuff in the movie was in line with the novel’s anarchic events. Like when Major x 4 was walking nervously around the office and the picture on the wall changed from Roosevelt to Stalin to another guy.
Each can stand on its own, novel and film. The novel is unfilmable as-is, but the movie was quite faithful and stands on its own, I think.
Maximum Overdrive.
Bonus: Stephen King’s directorial debut and finale all in one!
And the trailer gave us this image
A better title should have been Cocaine: The Motion Picture.
Yeah but one of the best soundtracks ever.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091499/soundtrack/
Since this thread is quickly spirally out of control, I’m gonna go with the old reliable:
My next draft pick is Bronko Nagurski
/frantically searches to see if ‘Kelly’s Heroes’ is based on a book so I can take it before Sharkbait
//wouldn’t work, because Kelly’s Heroes is a great movie.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxh-YVSoZeE&pp=ygUbZnV0dXJhbWEgZmlnaHRpbmcgbW9uZ29vc2Vz
Super Mario Bros. from 1993. While I concede that a video game is not a book, due to the egregiousness of the examples, is it possible to have an exception?
How dare you besmirch Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo?
I’m kidding, I just want to take the other side of your position given how wrong you were about the new Captain America.
“Dr Sleep”. The sequel to ‘The Shining’ was a pretty entertaining book. The movie, on par for Steven King adaptations, had to leave so much detail out that it was unintelligible.
It’s just a bad idea to try to make a full Steven King novel into a 2-3 hour movie.
It works okay for the novellas. In particular, I’m excited about The Long Walk that’s coming out relatively soon.
Yeah I was gonna say every Stephen King movie is better if you haven’t read the book. I realized that a long time ago.
Every Stephen King movie is better if you haven’t seen the movie.
Yup. Novellas & short stories seem to come out ok (see: Shawshank Redemption & The Body/Stand By Me), but the full novels have problems.
The Long Walk does look like it might be good, but as a counter-point I would give you both versions of The Running Man. The Arnold one has the name in common with the book, and literally nothing else, and I somehow doubt the Glen Powell one is going to be faithful to the book either.
The Glen Powell one is being directed by Edgar Wright and so far appears to be quite faithful, in fact. I don’t think that means it’s going to be good, though.
I’m an unabashed fan of the original, though.
The original is a fine movie, it just has nothing in common with the book, other than the title.
Arnold: “I’ll be back”
Richard Dawson: “Only in a rerun”
Great exchange.
I’m going to go off on a James Bond run. I will start with Moonraker.
The book is completely different from the bullshit Star Wars shit we got in the movie.
Although, it did give us Dr. Good head, so it wasn’t completely irredeemable…
I’ll go back to the sci-fi well with Keanu. That rotoscope, animated dumpster fire A Scanner Darkly ( by Phillip K. Dick) was unfollowable and unwatchable.
Aw, bummer. I’d been meaning to check it out; bummed to hear it’s not worth bothering.
‘It’ specifically the second movie, where the kids are adults and go back to Derry for the rematch.
It’s time to acknowledge that you just can’t make a decent movie from ‘It’ even if you do take the kiddie gang bang out of the movie.
“Draft Day”. The Browns doing any remotely clever or smart flies completely against the script.
“The rules are simply that it must be a movie, based on a book, and you didn’t like the way they did it. Hopefully we can all listen to Horatio for that little bit.”
Narrator: They could not, in fact, listen to Horatio for that little bit.
Spoken: “Ha, you’ve got me. Just trying to make a joke.”
Inner Monologue: “Horatio is involved in the Conspiracy. Suspections confirmed.”
Apparently we’re through the looking glass and back again.
I did a Google search on this topic, most of the answers are the wave of dystopia young adult novels that were made in the wake of Harry Potter
Fucking anything by M Night Shyamalan*. Will never knowingly watch another movie by him.
*except Sixth Sense, that twist did not need you to ignore the previous 90+ minutes of the movie to believe the end
His movies are based on books?
Seconded. While I agree that most of M. Night’s works are shit I don’t know of any of them that were based on a book.
Old, Knock at the Cabin and Last Airbender
1. Winter’s Tale. The book is a fascinating mythical tale set in an alternate version of New York; the movie contains Colin Farrell in a haircut that would make HI I’M MARK DAVIS’s barber blush as he solemly and earnestly speaks the line “is it possible to love someone so much they can’t die?”
“Judge Dredd”. To this day, I consider “Dredd” to be a formal apology for the previous movie.
I would love a follow up to Dredd.
Just… ugh.
yep, it does seem to have killed Mike Myers career though as much as The Love Guru.
Love guru is the objectively worst movie that I’ve seen in theaters
I’ll admit I didn’t have high expectations, but I still got no ironic enjoyment out of it
https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fencrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AANd9GcTkrIFRxh1ZyQfg2_os1t947uhGGB7UmHTJV7iGbjD1E_dFzS2q&psig=AOvVaw3bFr3-vbmgBrrVe-mKEfP3&ust=1755009512924000&source=images&cd=vfe&opi=89978449&ved=0CBEQjRxqFwoTCICmgYf-go8DFQAAAAAdAAAAABAE
300 was nothing compared to The Gates of Fire.
The Tom Cruise versions of “Reacher”.
In the Lee Child (author) books, Reacher is like 6’5″ and 250 lbs of muscle. Tom Cruise is no where near that size, regardless of the lifts and camera angles used. As just a action movie, it’s fine, but using Jack Reacher and then being close to Lowartio in size just makes the premise hard to get over.
Lowratio is somewhat offended, but if he’s being honest has the same criticism of these movies.
Gumby was sooooo pissed off about this one!
So i can’t help but notice no said anything in the rules about having read the original novel, or holding it in any particular esteem
Bad book. Bad movie. Bad franchise.
To be clear, I’ve never even entertained the possibility of watching it, even for shits and giggles
I’ve watched it; it’s actually quite amusing when you realize there’s an entire subculture dedicated to it.
You don’t have to have done either.
Although it would significantly improve your credibility.
Vampires don’t glitter.
“Noah”. If only the book was more famous or more published, then maybe the writers could’ve did it better.
This is kind of hard since I haven’t seen a lot of movies in the past 20 years and tend to avoid adaptations, but the 2010 Alice in Wonderland doesn’t need to exist
Alice looks quite strung-out here. Is she a cokehead in this version?
A Dark Tower Movie?
With Idris Elba as Roland?
With Matthew McConaughey as Randall Flag!?!?!?
sees trailer
I never even bothered to watch it, it looked that bad
It was. That was my second pick. Just awful.
Is this where the Stephen King run begins?
I’ll go with the first version and any and all subsequent versions of Children of the Corn.
It was a cool short story too.
William Gibson was the cat’s ass for a hot minute in the 90’s-(a Canadian sci-fi writer? They just got electricity in the 70’s!) so Johnny Mnemonic got done. It was a bad idea.
Horrible movie
How the Grinch Stole Christmas, fuck you Jim Carrey.
The animated version is a classic though, so double bad for also being a pointless redo
It meant well. It was convoluted, overly flashy and at a couple of points, I was rooting for the Grinch…but it meant well.
Still worse than the book.
Starship. Fucking. Troopers.
The book is good sci-fi. The movie is an abomination before gods and men.
Movie is horribly good. I still use this gif at work sometimes.
Oh, it’s a gif mine for sure.
I’m Doing My Part… : r/destiny2
I kind of use the GIF at work.
Counterpoint: Diz
Oh my god, it’s not even close.
The funny thing is, if he had dropped Carmen for Diz, Carmen would have been tryin to get on his dick so fast. Can’t lose her simp.