“Man, This F*#&!-ng Show” – A Walking Dead Recap

Congratulations AMC,

I think I might be done with this show.

The pacing this season seems to follow games of chance. There have been only two episodes really on point; the rest seem to just be travelogues of places to visit in the zombie apocalypse. It’s like someone got zombie Rick Steves

and spun a roulette wheel

and the ball landed on

because instead of plot development we got a side trip with a character who disappeared last year with another character who will actually probably run a full season of his other show before we see him again.

Tonight, it’s Tara & Heath, whom we last saw in March, taking off at the end of the raid on the Saviors compound. Via a series of events completely unrelated to the fact that Heath has gone off in real life to star in the new “24” show on Fox, she & Heath are separated while dealing with a zombie trap. Tara falls off a bridge and gets safely washed away Aragorn-style, waking up near a converted seaside RV resort.

There, she meets what appears to be a colony of lesbians, who are blissfully working their community towards sustainability. Hey – Tara’s a sister; maybe they’ll be nice to her.

Tara tries to figure out their deal, and they reveal they have a kill-on-sight policy, but she’s alive because one of the girls who found her is related to the colony’s matriarch. Oh, and sorry about the handcuffs earlier, sweetheart.

To emphasize they are another unique community, they call walkers “bobbers”. They do seem to have a lot of guns. (Chekhov’s colony!) With all the ladies around, and in a post-apocalyptic setting, I expected to see the remains of Nicholas Cage.

They then have a lovely dinner where they verbally spar to figure out more about each other, and it’s here that Tara reveals her role in Alexandria’s slaughter of the Saviors compound. A couple of knowing glances between the table mates indicates they know all about Negan & co, but they don’t let on to Tara, whom they say they will help return to Alexandria. As her guides are walking her back to the bridge that started this episode, they turn on her!

Before shooting her, one of them explains – James Bond villain style – what happened to all their men. They’re not lesbians, you fool; The Saviors killed all males over 10 years-old at their last compound. This was the new hideout they developed when they went on the run. But that information won’t do you any good, you fool, because now you are about to die Mr. Bond Tara.

But, like James Bond in those situations, she escapes!

and gets back to the bridge, which is still covered in walkers.

With the help of the granddaughter, she gets across the bridge & finds evidence that Heath may also have escaped (an answer that will be provided depending upon whether Corey Hawkins’ career takes off with “24”). But she had to swear never to reveal them to others. She then skips her way back to Alexandria only to find out what happened in her absence. EUGENE CRIES! MUCH SADNESS! But during her debrief, when asked if she found anyone in her travels, she doesn’t reveal them. Dawww…

Fin.

I believe I might have finally reached my breaking point with this show.

I’m sorry Maggie, I just may have.

Please don’t be sad. I still love you.

The problem is that they are taking half-episodes and dragging them out into bloated commercial-fests.  There is a perfectly valid plot they could follow for 2-3 episodes and then intersperse with these ones that tie-in the larger world Alexandria is going to eventually join. As a point, the next two episodes are previewed like this:

Episode 7, “Sing Me A Song” is a “deeper look at the Sanctuary and the world of Negan and the Saviors; members of Alexandria look for supplies”.

Episode 8, “Hearts Still Beating” is described thus: “Negan’s unwelcome visit to Alexandria continues as other members scavenge for supplies; things quickly spin out of control.”

So, the Fall-finale (episode 8) seems appropriate, but you just know it’s going to be expanded to 90 minutes. It’s Episode 7 that grinds my gears with how this season has gone so far. They are combining two stories into one episode – which people will probably praise for its consistency – which is something they could have done with this whole season (outside of the premiere). When Abraham talked about the outside world to the original Alexandrians,

little did he know that he was describing every episode that took place after his death.

Every Monday, when I look online at other sites’ reviews (mostly for gifs & pics), I scroll through the comments. [It’s my fault, I know.] There seem to be plenty of hate-watching regular viewers like myself, people who have bought in for this long so they want to try and stick it out to the end.

But when episodes like this seem to just help stretch out the network commitment, it really tests patience. There are dozens of “WHERE IS CAROL! NOT ENOUGH MAGGIE!! MOAR TIGER!!!” comments each week, which explains why viewership is still at 11 million, but can’t help AMC because most of those won’t be supporting the advertisers.

The closest analogy I can draw is “The Big Bang Theory”. It’s average episode length is down to 18 minutes, which – after 2 minutes of CBS programming bumpers – leaves a solid 10 minutes for ads on CBS’ highest-rated show. But that bloat has worn down viewers, and ratings have dropped for first-run episodes, leading to speculation that this might be the last season, since most contracts are up in May.

So, after the season premiere, I was all

but next Sunday night is the Panthers in Seattle, and honestly I don’t care if I catch the episode or not. Surely that’s what the geniuses at the network were going for when they signed onto this season. Way to wear down the viewer AMC,

You stupid idiots.