Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 12, 2016

Christ, the Denver game sucked. Turns out you can’t really play without a right tackle. Or sentient special teamers. You can only fuck yourself in the ass so many times without permanent damage. Eventually, even the Chefs will take advantage.

The Ravens beat the ded Bungles today, matching the Yinzers at 6-5. Totally unremarkable game, except that it ended on an 11-second elapsing intentional safety, with EVERY non-punter Ratbird blatantly holding. HAIL MAXIMUM BLEERGH.

In other Ohio failure news, Factory Factoried. At least they got to see Odell Beckham, Jr. in the flesh!!

It doesn’t seem right, but TannyFanny’s LOLfins are 7-4, after stopping Kaep on the 1 yard line as time expired. I mean, they almost surrendered all of a 17-point lead in the last 8 minutes to the goddamned 49ers, but there they are, on the precipice of the playoffs. BLECH.

Of course, the Jest Jested. You didn’t actually watch and get hopeful, did you??

Oh, and it also don’t seem right, but King Footsie’s Bills are 6-5 after bumbling through yet another win, over what is presumably still the bestest ever 2-win team in Greater Footy history, London’s proud but inept Jaguras. BORT ran around a lot today! Bully for you if you started him in Insanity League!!

The “please don’t let Indy or YOOOOOOOOOUSTON win the AFC South” Titans get to 6-6 (bye still pending), with a late escape from Soldier Field. Somehow, they almost blew 24-7 and 27-14 leads in the 4th quarter, and needed two “and goal” drops by 7th string Bear WRs not to lose to Matt Fucking Barkley. DO BETTER, TENNESSEE.

Hey, what the Texans do? Well, they bumblefucked around to a 21-10 deficit, until garbage time got them in field goal range. They converted, then recovered a long, bouncy onside kick with 12 seconds on the clock. They chose to take two Hail Mary shots, as Bolt faithful shat their pants. All was well, as San Diego intercepted the second one. Brock Lobster really is a fucking walking abortion out there.

I owe Jared Goff an apology. He looked MUCH better this week, with a looser gameplan. Of course, it WAS against the fucking Saints (though that didn’t help Trevor Siemian much). And in the 2nd half, he barely saw the ball as Breesus Christ spread His forgiveness and stigmata all over the field. 49-21 was the final (21-0 in 2nd half).

Oakland and the Panthers was just bananas, and I really only saw the end of it. Cliffs Notes – Raiders rushed out to a 24-7 lead, Carr breaks left pinky, Panthers run off 25 points straight, Carr comes back in and gets 8 to tie it up, “Riverboat Ron” punts on 4th and a foot from his 40. Naturally, that turned the game, as Oakland took it inside the Carolina 10 at the 2-minute warning. The Panthers held ’em to a FG, but Khalil Mack did his thing just in time, aided by a Greg Olsen drop. Poor fucking Cam. But Mr. Carr is turning into quite the leader of men.

Seattle got a safety by replay challenge on WHERE the holding call occurred. Isn’t that fun? Also fun – the league’s only 14-5 final other than a 1984 SF/ATL tilt. But I don’t think Charmslinger had much fun, all things considered. Could have been MUCH worse of a day for us SeaTruther fantasy D/ST owners, as those 14 came, like, prom night after-party INSTANTLY.

Oh, lest I forget, Atlanta beat the shit out of Arizona. Nobody believes the former is any good, and I am still sad that David Johnson won’t be around to beast mode January. He needs to be on a cold weather team, too. Even though Arians is finally riding him like he should have from jump street. Sorry for the mental imagery.