Welcome to The Shield’s food coma weekend, where we all groan in sweatpants-clad regret.  A good portion of the competent (and even cromulent) squadrons played on Thursday or Friday.  Here’s the poo-poo platter of what is left over.

Black Panthers show promise, Black Panthers shit themselves, we all give up on them and the cycle repeats.  In a rain-drenched Cakalaky, our militant palz rode THREE Gospel According to Fatthew turnovers to a shock home win, 31-28.  One pickerception got ran back all the way, and the final oopsie-doodle (sack fumble) set up the offense to make the one first down they needed to cinch things.  So much for there being any dominant team this season.  FFS, Chi**** is now the 1 seed in the NFC!

Is it just me, ot are the MRSA Men incredibly boring?  By default, RedZone showed quite a bit of their 20-17 win over the visiting Qards, but I’ll be fucked if one thing (or even play) sticks in my drug-addled mind.  But I guess Tampa stays in first for a bit.

Very, very briefly, Shedeur Sanders took the lead over the Tomsulas, 8-7.  After that?  Just had the tar shit beaten out of him.  Tomsulas DC Salah smirked every time we cut to this game.  Santa Clara slowly, derpily, managed to pull away for the 26-8 win.

DonT’s Tits?  Sagged down to the knees this week.  This would be enough to take Duuuuuvvvvvaaaaalllllll into 1st place, with the Humps losing (SPOILER!).  Cam Ward’s brief flirtation with promise hit the brick wall of reality, a 25-3 home loss.

I’ll give Dimebag credit – playing through a goddamned BROKEN LEG is pretty baller.  He even played reasonably well, but it wasn’t enough.  It was the 500s’ running game that separated the sides, 20-16 to Houston.  And of course, the defense bowed its back on the final Humps’ drive.

We had one motherfucker of a bananacakes ending in Miami, with N’Awlins batting back from 16-nil and 19-8 deficits.  Inside of 2:00, they lined up for a tying 2-point attempt – which worked, but for the LOLfins.  Ran it back all the way for a 21-17 lead.  Good thing he did, because they GOT the onside kick (shout out to the Gaelic football rando who scored his NFL debut – he also was good from 56 yards out earlier in Q4).  But Shough failed to convert 3rd and 1 (pass) and 4th and 1 (sneak) from the MIA 35, and the game mercifully ended.  Miami is gonna end up 7-10 or 8-9, and fool ownership into thinking they’re sommet other than complete ass.

There’s no sane way to describe the mutual dick-tripping-over, in front of 500 or so rain-drenched fans.  At 24-all, each team got the ball with a chance to win.  Shit, the Jets COULD have tried a 51-yard FG for the win…but false started to take themselves just out of Old Man Folk range.  He tried from 56 anyway…and somehow squeezed .a dying quail pacement over the crossbar.  27-24, at least we got spared Extra Time.  But you KNOW it would have been a Draw.

Late afternoon games are 3 wet bags of shit, and I choose brevity.  Speed round summary!

Max Brosmer started for SKOL, and showed that you can play even shittier than JJ McCarthy.  Game was over when he wildly flung the ball (nigh in the grasp on 4th and 1 sack) for a pick-6.  But the SeaTruthers mostly kicked FGs and waited for turnovers, all the way to a 26-nil final.  U-G-L-Y

Yinzburgh actually led 7-3 at HT, but didn’t cross the 100-yard mark (in total offense) until Q4.  Buffalo ran it down their throat, 26-7 in dominant fashion.  HIPPO SMIRE.

That’s Rikki’s Raiders are just sad at this point.  Brock Bowers made an insane, left-handed TD grab in garbage time.  There were no other positives, as the Clips matched the garbage time score (Patterson run, off the PS) for a 31-14 walk-in-the-park win.

I did pay some mind to SNF, solely because the Donks were in action (away to the Mariota Commies).  Denver doesn’t do easy, but surely we were due an exception to that rule?  AVENGE YOUNG HIPPO’S TIMMY SMITH-BASED GRUDGE!!  I typed this in HOPE, not expectation.

Denver chucklefucked around most of the first half, even let the Comintern take a brief, 1-point lead.  But a very nice 2-minute drill (including defiance of the laws of physics on the scoring toss to Sutton) restored my faith in humanity and a 13-7 HT lead.  WIth this, I retire my typing to watch the remainder from bed.  Am 85% confident of a triumph, let’s see how this old man vibe ages come the morn.