Paris: The Louvre. There Will Be Wieners

If you’re not making progress, you’re stupid.

I was 11 years old when a school trip to an art museum changed my life.

I want to say it was “The Sistine Madonna” by Raffaello (also known (stupid turtles) as Raphael) Sanzio but it was a long time ago and I just can’t be sure. Whatever it was, on that day?

I gave my very soul to the beauty that my eyes beheld; the “Renaissance”

 NOT RAPHAEL BUT COSME TURA    1430

So where can one go to discover the works of such extraordinary genius?

Since birth I have heard tales of a Palais in France that is supposed to be filled with the “greatest” collection of priceless art to ever be assembled.”The Louvre” it’s called.

Even its name holds a kind of magic power.

Then this so called “Louvre”  is to be my quest, my very opus.

I’m sorry but who writes this?  I want to protest.

Then life happened.

IMPOSSIBLE TO CAPTURE THE WHOLE PLACE IN ONE SHOT, WELL PERHAPS FROM SPACE

Fast forward 50 some odd years, my kids have kids, and I find myself staring right at the end of my life’s road.

Still no trip to the heaven that awaits?

The siren song of three, count them three Caravagio’s (Want to see all 3?) sing me to sleep with their long sought out distance calling.

HEY KIDS LOOK! A HISTORY LESSON

If I can just get there before I die.

ARC DE TRIOMPHE DE CARROUSEL If you just keep walking down that way you’ll end up on what is called the most beautiful street in the world the, 

“CHAMPS ELYSEES”

A brief interlude.

THE ENTRANCE “PYRAMID”

IS THAT LION EATING HIS, NO WAIT, COULDN’T BE.

Let ye without a chance to go to France sling the first stone.

Fate intervened and I jumped.

DUDE?

I KNOW BRUH

When we started planning to actually turn this dream into a reality, we discussed what to do?

Eiffel Tower, yes.

Notre Dame? Check.

The Catacombs? Hell Yeah.

The Louvre? Well duh.

HALLWAYS, CEILINGS AND SOME DUDES HEADBOARD

So it was decided that we would take advantage of a guided tour to maximize every second of our time at the museum. Not my idea. The thinking being that I have no interest in seeing neither the Venus De (pronounced De “me” low, not De “my” low) Milo nor that silly Mona (Don’t get me wrong I LOVE Da Vinci) Lisa as of that whole tourist waiting line thing that I had been warned of.

This way I could see all the Renaissance painters that I desired to see at my own languid pace. Cool.

Feel free to guess what happened next.

YAWN

Amazing tale of how I found myself standing completely alone in front of the world’s most famous painting. I’ll let someone else tell it.**

“Writers note: Ever notice that the backgrounds are uneven?

Go on look for yourselves.”

I asked to see Caravaggio, what gives?

During the walk we were told that the museum has more than 36,000 specimens to behold. If you want to see them all?

Deep breath; look fast as you have 30 seconds then you must move on to the next treasure. Doing this 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for 20 days.

Seems daunting.

We walked briskly past statues of renown without ever even slowing down which caused me some concern, so I stopped and went back to look. Thus drawing the ire of the nice Parisian lady guiding the tour. I was asked more than once to please keep up. That I did not do.

This guy was fool enough to challenge the god Apollo to a musical contest and when he lost he was flayed to death. 

Please do take notice (zoom in) of both the legs and the arms in these two pieces. You will see multiple cracks and  “blue” color changes. This is due to the reparations that museums lovingly do. When the antiquities are found, many times only small pieces of them still exist. Caretakers will “rebuild” painstakingly with modern technologies and materials in an attempt to restore the art to its original magnificence.

In the first photo above, the “Nymph Diana” was not with a deer in the original but for balance and symmetry the animal was added in the 1950’s. In fact there’s a world famous statue of “Alexander The Great” but all they could find of him was his head.

DAMNED FOR ALL TIME TO LOOK AT HER BONY ASS

Why yes that is the Goddess (Pronounced Nee Kay) Nike. As you can clearly see she was also rebuilt. One of her wings is from 190 BC while the other?

Manufactured for her in the 1930’s.  Choose your side.

Now if you look close you can see where that icky shoe company stole its logo and name. This most magnificent creation was so beautiful it was decided that she was perfect as is. Why try to guess what she may have looked like. Let’s just leave that, to the imagination.

The Madonna and Child in Majesty by Cimabue 1280

The Coronation of the virgin by Fra Angelico   1425

The panels at the bottom are kind of like the first comic strips as they tell a complete story in just a few frames.

ANNUNCIATION BY GIORGIO VASARI   1542

Finally some strokes of genius in oils, wood and canvas.

David and Goliath by Daniele da Volterra    1550

The “Italian hall” 50 times I, near tears, stopped and proclaimed, that is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

The Reign of Comus by Lorenzo Costa   1509

Run for the shore so we can all be murdered.

Adoration Of the Shepherds by Guilio Romano  1540

YOU HAVE TO START BY LOOKING AT THE BACKGROUNDS

The very heavens opening up to fight for my worthless soul.

St Martin top St Sebastian bottom by Pietro Perugino  1485-1490

When the background is as perfect as the fore, what is the focal point?

When I post these and see them again?

Hey fat ass you promised Merisi, well?

If you’ve never seen one hold tight. Presented in no particular order.

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio.

TITLED: PORTRAIT of ALOF  de WIGNACOURT 

Hey man I swear that’s my grandson.

Look at the eyes, it’s called “Fortune Teller”

Our reluctant hero has painted himself in this one and his new muse is telling his “fortune” only look closely and you’ll see that she is actually stealing his ring.

THE DEATH OF THE VIRGIN

Was asked by the church for a new painting so he obliged but this one the Catholic church did not like. Pussies.

Just look at the anguish. Dear god the textures of the curtains, the dead woman’s face?

Absolutely haunting.

OK, like I said I don’t hate Leonardo, how could anyone hate that “smirk”.

Presenting

Da Vinci

THE VIRGIN AND CHILD WITH SAINT ANNE So who is this saint Anne?

Again with the background. Clearly shows the peril that the baby Jesus faces daily. Upon closer inspection I see a twinkle in that little scamps eye. Just look at how he handles that lamb, that child has murder on his mind he does!

Most experts agree that this is an unfinished painting as Leo was famous for starting and then not finishing projects.

Fascinating guy. Give him a moment of your time some time.

SAINT JOHN THE BAPTIST.

THE SKIES OPENED AND SANG HALLELUJAH 

Couldn’t take my eyes from its heart stirring beauty. Notice any similarities in this and the Caravaggio? Merisi studied Da Vinci for most of his life.

Until..

WHAT’S THAT AT THE WINDOW FAIR MAIDEN?

Tears of joy streamed down my old face as I beheld the most perfect thing I had ever seen.

Raphael obviously did the face but there is debate on (Guilio Romano?) who did the rest. Worse yet it was the only one I got to see. The perfect face. The 3/4 pose, eyes looking at the painter with no smile. Breathtaking.

I just love how her left arm is structurally impossible.

I can not be trusted for accuracy on any actual historical event as I was stoned while writing most of this and I am prone to making stuff up.

The shame of my existence?  Actually it’s some silly bible nonsense. Something about Cain and Abel and what it feels like to kill your brother.

The only shot (Oh there’s more but for this piece it was only the inside of the museum that’s featured.) of the “Tuileries Gardens” just in front of the Louvre. Perhaps for another time, no?

When I stood in front of the painting now called the “Mona Lisa” I could not believe how perfect she was. It was as if she were saying to me:
“Get lost loser, you didn’t want to see me in the first place”

I will always remember her remarkable beauty. Thank you Leonardo, thank you.

Sadly no top of the tower or trip into the Paris catacombs. Turns out you have buy your tickets 6 years in advance, shit.

All photos and words by some damn fool.

A proofread was required to keep out my usual stupidity.

Taj the weary traveler.  April/May/2026

** [editor’s note: yeah right here. The Louvre tour happened just 12 days after the accident where my car was totalled and I was seriously banged up. The tour guide noticed that I was struggling during the tour so after telling the guide about my accident, she was able to get us service elevator access several times and when we approached the queue for the Mona Lisa, we not only bypassed the waiting line we were given access IN FRONT of the red ropes where you are usually held back from the painting. Granting us access that NOBODY ever receives, just a couple of feet from the artwork.]