15 quejas sur la Week 16

This was quite a week, wasn’t it?

So, by my reckoning, the path to the Super Bowl is pretty much laid out in plushy feathers for the New England Patriots.  There is only one combination of factors that result in there being a chance, A CHANCE, of anyone else representing the AFC.  And it all starts with Denver laying down like it did on Sunday Night and letting the Derek Carr-less Raiders beat them at home.  If that were to happen, we have the following:

1. New England
2. Oakland (using a backup QB)
3. Pittsburgh
4. Houston (using a backup QB)
5. Kansas City
6. Miami (using a backup QB)

This is the easiest and best way for the Steelers to get to the Super Bowl.  Kansas City can beat the crap out of Houston like it did last year. Assuming the Steelers beat the Ryan Tannehill-less Dolphins at home, they would take on the Derek Carr-less Raiders in Oakland.  Kansas City would head to Foxborough to hopefully break Tom Brady’s fibula.  I mean, that is the trend this year, isn’t it?

Now, I know what you are going to say

That’s a bit harsh, but I understand. Also, this puts the Steelers in the Super Bowl which, I also understand, wouldn’t exactly please too many people.  But tell me this:  Would you rather have the Steelers in the Superb Owl or the Pats?

If, as will probably happen, Denver beats the Raiders and the Chiefs get the #2 seed, then the Steelers would play the Chiefs for the right to go to New England and then the Pats really only play one slightly difficult game before the Super Bowl.

Fuck us in the goat ass.

Anyhoo, here are the quejas, as promised:

1- Why did Derek Carr have to get hurt?  Why?!?!  I’m really pissed off about this and I’m not even a Raiders fan.

2- For that matter, why did Marcus Mariotta also have to get hurt?  The Titans were all set for a playoff run and now it’s all turned to shit.  The Titans were one of the most entertaining teams left and would have given any team in its path a serious challenge.

3- How the fuck does Randall Cobb just disappear from the Green Bay wide receiving corps?  Did the police figure out he set that fire at Aaron’s and booked him?  Was it a lover’s spat? Those bright green eyes are pretty mesmerizing…

4-  Why did the Cleveland Browns have to win a damn game?!?!  I wanted a parade, dammit!

5- Have the Chargers pretty much given up at this point?  I bet the players are pretty pissed off that they have to move to Los Angeles.  The housing market up here is ridiculous.  Plus, traffic.

6- Why did the Rams have to be much shittier than I anticipated?  I mean, I like being right about them failing as a team and as a franchise, but I didn’t think they would go 4-12.  This assumes, of course, that Arizona does as they should and annihilates them at the Coli next week.  Btw, one of my buddies with season tickets has discovered that he can make more money selling his PARKING spot in the tailgate section rather than his actual seats.

7- It really looks like the Jets want their coach fired, doesn’t it?  I mean, talk about lack of effort!  Based on my Crystal Balls post last week, he is as good as gone.

8- Is it me or did Minnesota get shitty right as AP came back from injury?  Coincidence?  Or is a Norse God taking his revenge on AP for simply beating his child and not eating him outright?

9- If you are missing your dose of schadenfreude, you need to find yourself some tape of the 49ers-Rams game.  The way the Rams lost that game was just hilarious.  Also, props to Chip Kelly for going for two and for Kaep for getting that two-point conversion.  If I was him, I would have knelt on the ground after that one, but I’m an asshole.

10- How the fuck was Cincinnati-Houston a nationally televised prime-time game?  They really don’t understand why viewers are turning off do they?  I mean you can’t have Steelers-Ravens every week!

11- Speaking of Steelers-Ravens, how is it that the Steelers can look so good and so shitty in the same game?  This team is going to send me to drink.  Well, more than usual.  I should follow in my father’s footsteps.  He has decided to stop watching the games.  As Sunday’s game was happening, he was watching a Hallmark Christmas movie with my mom and then the Mexican soccer league final.  He is not stupid.

12- Since Von Miller sent wine bottles to the players on the other AFC West teams, shouldn’t Tom Brady send a pair of Uggs to the AFC East teams?  I mean, 13 out of 14 and 8 straight years of sucking ass should be rewarded, don’t you think?

13- How the fuck is Tampa still in the playoff picture?  After shitting the bed at New Orleans, you would think they would be banned from consideration just for sucking so bad.  Also, Jameis Winston, you’re lucky I didn’t have you in my fantasy football teams. God help the poor bastard that started you.

14- I hate that Rex Ryan is being considered for the Rams coaching vacancy.  Not that he wouldn’t be fun, but that he is the absolutely wrong fit for this town.  He would be masturbating on the sidelines San Diego-style with all the girls in flip flops around here.

15- We really need the Browns to move to LA instead of the Chargers.  That way, our local weathergirls could vow to not shave until the team won.  Of course, I’m not talking about their heads.

Um, what was I talking about?  Never mind.  Enjoy the week everyone!