I was going to try to put together a mock draft for Rounds 2-3 but then I realized that doing that would be A LOT of work and I didn’t want to. So I rang the alarm bell at the DFO clubhouse and called in some reinforcements. The following, pictured above in no particular order, were your participants:
Horatio Cornblower
The Maestro
BFC
King Hippo
Don T
Internet Dad
Right Rev. Electric Mayhem (I think; he used his real name for the draft and I’m sure as shit not putting that here)
The rules were simple. I randomly set the order we’d each pick in, each person would have a minute to pick, no trading, although you could say you thought the pick would be traded in real life, and then on to the next pick. Easy, right? Here’s what happened:
Green Bay (Horatio) Thinks it will be traded but for the sake of the draft, Bubba Baker, DB, Washington.
49ers (Maestro) Forrest Lamp, OL Western Kentucky
Jacksonville (Hippo) Hippo disappears, Horatio assigns Cam Robinson to the Jaguars
Bears (Don T) Don T disappears, Horatio assigns Obi Melifonwu, DB, UCONN, to the Bears. Don T. comes back in, tries to draft Cam Robinson to the Bears, Maestro goes all hockey fan on his ass and starts chanting “YOU CAN’T DO THAT”
Rams (Internet Dad) In a meeting. Horatio assigns Kevin King to the Rams but then Dad comes back and says Marcus Maye, S, Florida, and since he runs this place Horatio allows it, which prompts Don T to (correctly) accuse Horatio of being a dictator. Don T then has to leave for ‘business reasons’ and disappears.
Chargers (RREM) Josh Jones, DB, NC State. Kudos to the good reverend for actually being on the ball.
Jets: (BFC) That Mixon asshole out of Oklahoma. This pick comes in late just as Horatio is giving the Jets Azuwie, the CB out of somehwere, (Colorado? I forget), at the same time as Hippo, who has forgotten that we’re going in order and not by teams, as was discussed much earlier, as sending Azuwie to the Panthers, who he was suppose to pick for. Horatio, who is regretting even thinking this thing up, says “fuck it”. and assigns Azuwie to the Panthers while acknowledging that BFC has a point and the Jets are dumb enough to pick Mixon here.
Pantheres (Hippo) Azuwie. See above
Bengals (Maestro) Maestro, who by now is the only one paying attention, takes Alvin Kamar, RB, Tennessee.
Saints: (Hippo) Hippo, still trying to figure out the rules, jumps in and takes Desmond King, S, Iowa
Eagles: (BFC) The Right Reverend was supposed to pick this one but got hauled into Court. BFC was the first to jump in, the rules now having degenerated to “just shout it out, anyone”, and takes Sidney Jones, CB, Washington.
Bills: (Internet Dad) Disappears. Again. Horatio takes DeShone Kizer for the Bills, mostly for the laughs.
Cardinals (Horatio) (Filling in for the held-hostage-by-a-judge RREM) Davis Webb, QB, Cal.
Colts (BFC) Isaac Asiata, taken for the “funny name principle”.
Ravens: (Internet Dad) Jordan Willis, DE, Kansas State. Which doesn’t make a lot of sense, but makes more sense when you realize that Horatio told Dad he was picking for the Colts.
Vikings: (Internet Dad) Zay Jones, WR out of somewhere.
Reds**ns: Pending! As of this moment Maestro is on his way to class, Zymn has showed up and we’re making jokes about Jake Butts.
So, yeah, it went about as well as you’d expect. Yours in the comments. Start with the Redacteds and go from there.
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Darboh is awesome though, glad he got drafted.
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CJ Beathard? Are you shitting me?
I guess the Niners want someone who is hurt all the time, goes down instantly whenever pressured and can’t throw for more than 50 yards a game.
oh fuck off
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PLEASE PICK SAMAJE PERINE GODDAMNIT
Saying the same thing with Desmond King.
I mocked him in the 2nd to somebody or other, he good. Donks just no need safety, drafted two good ones late last year.
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how much did Goodell have to pay that guy to have him “ask FOAR a selfie??”
Of course ESPN would kiss up to every Patriots pick as some sort of brilliant genius.
I hope the entire fanbase (except teh DFOers) get AIDS and/or dick cancer
I like the Donks’ 3rd round pick. Solid B/B+
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Is he related to ol’ sex boat smoot?
The Saints mortgage the future every year to try and go 8-8. Endgame is???
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Yankees were down 9-1. It is now 11-8. This is more offense than the Browns produce in two weeks.
#BFIB update…I don’t even have the stream up. This is a HOLY DAY goddamnit
The local university is shooting off fireworks for some reason tonight and I swear thought the North Koreans had landed.
The dog and cat are NOT happy.
I wish he was name Obi Ogunjobi. He would be their only hope
this is a great pick, Rev
Vomit at the “all blue collar perfect Steeler” commentary. Gotta love JuJube’s name though.
Relatives called him “Choo Choo” because he never stopped moving as a kid; younger relatives morphed the nickname into “JuJu” and it stuck. Sort of a cute story. But he went to USC, so he’s evil. Them’s the rules.
CHU CHU!
wow, so many catchmen HARF!!
NC STATE WOO!!!!
/he’s actually not very good, no idea why he rocketed from his original 4th/5th round projection
I’m really not in favor of the Milkmaids getting better, but oh well. As long as the Cowfolk/Pats SB monstrosity doesn’t happen I’ll be okay.
The best Philly troll job remains Bill Burr, but good on Drew for trying.
Then he began poking the bear….
That’s actually a pretty good pick for the Boys.
Also fantastic name.
Impressed with Drew Pearson’s troll game.
He put on a clinic.
That crowd’s about to riot.
Hahahaha, goad them Eagles fans.
We have an early favorite for “Best Name of the Draft”.
Pfft. No one has drafted Jake Butt yet.
He’s just keeping the place warm for Jake Butt.
What about Juju?
Oakland is having a fucking awesome draft, because FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE
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From Twitter, in honor of Obi being called a genetic freak
@actioncookbook
MEL KIPER, JR.: this guy is a genetic freak
FOOTBALL PLAYER: [just has red hair] c’mon Mel that’s not nice
I’m ok with Willie Brown announcing all the draft picks, or being President.
At this rate I’d prefer Mike Brown to be President. We’d lose every war, but with his negotiating skills, we’d come out ahead.
Willie Brown is pretty awesome as a presenter.
Willie Brown is not taking your shit Philly. Shut up.
They’re at the Art Museum? What a stupid place to put the draft.
what ya reckon qualifies as “art” in Philly??
“The Thinker” made out of discarded sausage casings.
I’m sure glad he specified that it was the New York FOOTBALL Giants who were making this pick in the NFL draft.
Also, impressive indignation at the NFC East booing!
I think Goodell just said Larry Little was from “Benuthe Cookman”
What I’m saying is, Roger Goodell is a national disgrace.
I think he mean that Larry had obviously been found “beneath the cook, man” because would ya look at the size of Larry!?
Larry Little sure ain’t living up to that last name.