INT. DELTA HOUSE DORM ROOM – DAY.
It is early in the morning, with sunlight just barely peeking through the curtains. CAM NEWTON moves lightly through the room, straightening things up. As we watch, he loads up a nondescript backpack with proper school supplies; pencils, pens, a notepad, and then loads another backpack – this one emblazoned with Spongebob Squarepants images – with similar items. Suddenly, there is a ferocious pounding at the door.
BLAKE BORTLES: [through the door] GET THE FUCK UP, FRESHMEN! I’M NOT BAILING YOUR SORRY ASSES OUT WITH THE DEAN IF YOU’RE LATE ON THE FIRST DAY OF CLASS!
CAM: It’s all right, I’m already up. I’ll get these guys moving.
BORTLES: [a pause] Sounds great, Cam! Thanks for taking charge. You rock!
ELI: [groans]
CAM: [cheerily] Time for school, fool!
ELI: [groans again, starts dry-heaving]
CAM: Come on, off to the shower with you.
ELI emerges from his bed in a set of Voltron pajamas. CAM hands him a towel and leads him out into the hallway, pushing him gently in the direction of the shared bathroom. As he does so, a cellphone in the dorm room begins ringing. CAM steps back into the room and answers it.
CAM: Eli’s phone!
WOMAN’S VOICE: Who is this? Where’s Eli?
CAM: Good morning, ma’am. This is Cam Newton – I’m Eli’s roommate. Eli’s in the shower right now, he’ll be out in a few minutes.
WOMAN’S VOICE: Eli didn’t check in with me at bedtime last night, please have him call Olivia immediately.
CAM: I absolutely will ma’am. [hangs up]
CAM NEWTON pokes his head out into the hallway.
CAM: [yelling] Eli, is Olivia your mom or your wife?
ELI: [distantly] My mom. [more dry heaving noises]
A plaintive voice is heard though the closed door of the room across the hall.
DOUG MARTIN: Help, help!
CAM shakes his head, smiles, and pulls open the door.
DOUG: I can’t get down!
CAM: What happened to the ladder?
DOUG: Someone stole it while I was sleeping! I bet it was Jameis!
CAM: Okay, little buddy, don’t fret. I’ll get you down.
CAM offers his shoulders for DOUG to climb onto. The two of them teeter around the room until CAM finally dumps DOUG onto the lower bunkbed, which is empty.
CAM: Hey, where’s Antonio?
DOUG: He went home with that dancer lady. Said they had to practice their Horizontal Mambo.
CAM: Speaking of that handsome devil…
ANTONIO BROWN enters the room, looking rather disheveled after his night out.
CAM: Welcome home, Romeo.
ANTONIO: [doesn’t get the joke] It’s Antonio.
CAM: I hope you were running the right protection scheme, or I’m gonna have to start calling you Cromartie.
ANTONIO: Leave me alone, man.
CAM: [hands him a foil-wrapped condom] Next time. Seriously. As Coach Rivera says, the only place to be taking chances is on the football field.
ANTONIO: That’s…actually decent advice. [scratches crotch]
CAM: Get dressed for class, I gotta check on Eli.
CAM heads back into the hallway, where he encounters a soaking wet ELI on his way back from the shower.
ELI: My throat hurts.
CAM: Open.
ELI: [opens mouth]
CAM: [pops in lozenge]
ELI: [closes mouth, makes face] Honey lemon? I want wild cherry!
CAM: Wild cherry is basically just candy. It’s only half as effective.
ELI: Then I’ll eat twice as many!
CAM: For someone with a sore throat, you sure are makin’ a lot of backtalk.
ELI: [pouts]
CAM continues to shepherd the three other boys into getting dressed and packing their schoolbags. We cut to…
EXT. DELTA HOUSE – DAY.
We take the point-of-view of a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE from across the street, who is focused on the Delta House front door. As he watches, ANTONIO, DOUG, ELI, and finally CAM emerge. They confer briefly, with CAM pointing them in the proper direction before they head out. The MYSTERIOUS FIGURE reaches into a satchel and removes an item.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: [writing in notebook] …and of course, Cam Newton makes everyone else wait by being the last of them to be ready. Game over?
—
[to be continued…]
Good thing it was a notebook and not a laptop, or Cam might have stolen it.
[quietly steals idea for future installments]
I enjoy Eli being morphed into a drunk college student, it is just perfect.
Why does this bit crack me up every fucking time??????
Holy shit. Too funny.
I love when story elements come out of nowhere take on a life of their own – in this case the budding prank war between Doug and Jameis.
The Eli pic has never been more appropriate.
I lost it with the bed pic.
/ still coughing