so what I’m saying about the Welsh is that-

Oh hi. You’ve caught me brainstorming with the other writers at Door Flies Open Dot Com. A lot of readers don’t know this, but the majority of our supposedly reactionary commentary on the game is actually conceived, drafted and produced long before the actual events take place. How do the

A lot of people don’t realize this but most of our kontent at Door Flies Open Dot Com is created in advance. How is that done? Well, that’s a company secret. But while you’re here, I thought I’d give you a taste of what’s in store for next week, after the Big Game. Think of it as a sneak peek at the future! Anyway, enjoy and when your friends see all of this happen, pretend it’s the first time you’re hearing about it.

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Well, that certainly was quite the display yesterday. An all out blitz if you will, and one that in my opinion, never fails to entertain. So if you’ll permit me, now is the time to break down the winners, the losers, and the things that frankly baffled all of us…but will surely be all that gets talked about for months on end.

What’s that? Oh no, good reader. I have no interest in rehashing the events between the New England Patriots and la Rams. Don’t be ridiculous. We’re talking about the corporate branded sponsorship spots.

Yes, the good ol fashioned Big Game ads. Our true national obsession. It’s been reported that just 30 seconds of corporate branded sponsorship cost $5.25MM. That’s a lot of money to promote oneself. It’s enough to convert 131.25 unpaid interns into full time employees with $40K a year salaries. Wow. That’s a lot of people. Even that quarter person who would only make $10K a year would probably take the raise. He’s literally 1/4 of a person. He probably needs that money more than anybody, what with his outrageous medical expenses.

But we’re not worried about quarter people, or unpaid people, or labor in America today. Ha. It’s time to talk about the the long awaited commercials.

Winners ?

Right off the bat, I think we’ll all be talking about _________. Whoa. Right when I saw that they booked _____ ________ I though, “Oh man, where is this going?” Somewhere unexpected? Oh, somewhere very unexpected.Everybody knows _____ ________ typically presents him/herself as total _________ , but to see them act like a complete __________… I mean whaaaaaat? Raise your hands if you ever thought you’d see them take the piss out of their own personal brand like that. For all the people with their hands at their sides, I know right? And for all those people with their hands raised, you’re a lying sack of shit and I hope your family gets run over by a bus. Fuck you. You did not see that coming. Nobody could have. Get out of my face. You disgust me.

Now that we’re done with that unpleasantness, I think we’d be remiss if we didn’t talk about ___________. The one with the babies. Look, maybe you preferred ________ with the animals. Fine. You’re wrong and everything that is wrong with America, but I get why people preferred the one with the animals. Don’t even get me started with ___________’s piece with the babies and the animals. Jesus, pick a lane ___________. Look, maybe you thought ___________ was a little over the top but AS THE FATHER OF A CHILD (™) I think your priorities change, and I don’t care if I come across as sentimental. It’s okay for a Big Game ad to remind us all of what’s precious in a light and safely amusing way.

And rounding out our favorite ads were the offerings between Budweiser’s ___________ new campaign, and Dorito’s ________ spot. These were full fucking minute ads. Did you DVR them? I sure as shit hope so, because watching the 30 second truncated versions for the next 11 months are simply not going to cut it. I’ll tell you right now that I need my fix. Hey, when you went into the office did you tell your coworkers “___________ or __________, you ________” or did you go with “_________ my main _________”? And did they say “__________” or “__________ to the _________” right back at you? How fucking classic was that? My wife talks a good game about being cultured, but if you think she wasn’t beet red and on the verge of pissing her pants, you’ve got another thing coming. _________ my main _________ indeed, America. I literally am not going to stop saying that for three, maybe four years. L O fucking L, my main _________. Never gets old.

Losers ?

Obviously _________. Um hello? Did anybody focus test this? Hell, did anybody actually write this or did they just toss nonsensical things on TV and hope we would all go out and buy _________? You spent $5.25MM plus production costs on that? Awkward. Can I be honest with you? I don’t even want to talk about this ad campaign. I’m serious. The more I think about it, the more I kind of feel like I need to take a shower. They actually booked ________ _________ to speak in it. It’s literally all I can do to not start cutting myself, just so that I can control this kind of pain. I just want to go back to a time when this ad didn’t exist. This ad is worse than slavery.

Then there was ________. Did anybody understand what they were going for with this?  I sure as hell did not. My neighbor tried to explain it to me, but they’re the kind of person who really got into what Inception meant. Buddy, the guy got out of his dream. He’s reunited with his kids. It’s a really happy ending. Sheesh. Some people like to over analyze everything. Anyway would I still buy ________? Well yeah. It’s still a good product. But if I was a legal immigrant with expendable money and knew nothing else about this or their various competitors I think I might lean toward buying _______ instead. Which probably isn’t what their marketing product wants. LOL EPIC FAIL.

The only other ad that really bothered me was _________ with their _________. Guys, you should have quit when you were ahead when you did _________ in the first quarter. You got greedy with the sequel after halftime. Wow. That did not pay off at all.

LOL Whaaaa? ?

Holy smokes. What was the deal with __________? I know, I know. You’re all pissed off at me for putting it here. There are people who say it was the best ad of the night. And there are people who say they threw a cup of piss at their TV when they saw it. Divisive? Oh my lord, yes. But are we talking about __________ right now? You bet your ass we are.

And let’s not forget about __________ ________. A part of me thinks that 10 years ago we would have thought this message was completely alien. 10 years from now it will be totally common. So it’s ahead of it’s time. What did you think about __________ ________? Personally, I’m here for it. But were you ready for it? I guess first quarter sales will be the true test of whether it worked or not.

?Woke? As ?Fuck?

There’s no other way to say it: _________ gets it. That’s right. I am #_________. The previous generation is obviously ______.com, and believe you me, _________ is going to lose a lot of sales from a certain segment of the population. But the time is now. We have got to stop burying our heads in the sand and recognize that _________ is straight preaching the truth. Honestly, it doesn’t get much more depressing that reading the message board comments from the older generation, and _________ is obviously taking a huge risk, but God bless them. Respect.

Oh My God With This Again ?

______. Honestly? You’re running it back? Look the ______ was funny as fuck. Back in ____. But you literally just re-shot the same thing with a younger celebrity and then dropped ____ _____ in at the end as a cameo. Like who out there didn’t know that ____ _____ was going to show up. NEWS FLASH: WE ALL GET HOW NOSTALGIA WORKS. YOU’VE FAILED. God.

Final Verdict

Overall, I’m giving the night a _+. That’s right, you read me correctly. What. YOU WANT TO SAY THAT TO MY FACE?

I love Big Game ads. Sue me. They’re a medley of comedy, drama, intrigue, and they’re all over in 30 to 60 seconds, so even if you have to think, you don’t have to do it for very long. One day we’ll all go to the movies, and the whole thing will just be a series of ads. God. Can you even imagine how perfect that will be. Why can’t we get fresh and exciting advertisements every day? They give us what we want: Reliable entertainment and an understanding of what products we’re supposed to by. How is that not the very definition of art? Unfortunately, that was it. We’ve had our big day, and now we have to get through the cold of February and early March warmed by the glowing embers of these delightful spots. But warm my hearts they shall, so bring it on, Old Man Winter. Give me your coldest, iciest blast. I’ll just watch these Big Game ads over and over again.

It’s going to be a great winter.