We are five weeks into the NFL season and every team has played at least four games. While we have a good idea who may be the contenders, we still do not have a good grasp of who the pretenders might be. A 4-0 or 5-0 start does not necessarily mean a team is a shoe-in for the playoffs (a la the 2009 Broncos or 2009 Giants). However, we should have a firm grasp on whose season is finished. This is dedicated to these teams. I will take a close look at every team who currently has a losing record and prognosticate whether their season is essentially a wash.
First up AFC.
AFC
AFC EAST
Miami Dolphins
God I love that gif.
Record: 1-3; Points Scored: 65, Points Allowed: 101; Total Offense: 28th; Total Defense: 29th; Joe Philbin’s 1000-yard stare: priceless
Remember when people thought Miami was going to be a legitimate contender in the AFC East? Well that turned out to be a poor prediction. Joe Philbin was unceremoniously fired after a terrible start featuring a bad loss to the Jags and thrashings by the Bills and Jets. This team is done. Suh is pulling a Fat Albert. Tannehill is having a shit fit against practice squad players. I hope all 12 Dolphin fans located in the State of Florida enjoy the nice weather.
AFC NORTH
Cleveland Browns
That will do Josh, that will do.
Record: 2-3, Points Scored: 118; Points Allowed: 132; Total Offense: 8th (????); Total Defense: 30ths (ah there it is); Factory of Sadness Productivity: While the global market has taken a hit because of the slow-down in China and the emerging markets, the output of the Factory of Sadness is doing just fine.
Cleveland always seems to be a team that gives a lot of effort, but eventually that institutional rot comes into play and their weaknesses finally cost them a game. I think they might have a respectable season (for Cleveland standards), so I would not put a fork in them quite yet. They’re not as bad as past Cleveland teams, but Cleveland is a city of lowered expectations, drastically lower expectations.
Baltimore Ravens
Record: 1-4, Points Scored: 123, Points Allowed: 137 (4 losses on a -14 point differential, Geez Baltimore); Total Offense: 12th; Total Defense: 24th; Flacco Blandness Rating: Vanilla Ice Cream.
Ratbirds are finished. They lost to the Browns at home and the Steelers and Bengals are still superior teams. Suggs finally succumbed to his battle against his weaponized gingivitis.
AFC SOUTH
Preliminary Note: Remember how the Colts looked completely fucked after looking feckless against the Bills and Jets. Well thank god for three straight division games to set the ship upright. Holy fuck is this division terrible.
Tennessee Titans
Record: 1-3; Points scored: 102; Points Allowed: 91; Total Offense: 16th; Total Defense: 3rd.
Considering this is a rebuilding season featuring a rookie QB, the Titans prospects were rather limited this year. I can’t say too much about them, because I don’t really know that much about them.
Houston Texans
Featured, better QB options than Mallett and Hoyer.
Record: 1-4; Points Scored: 92, Points allowed: 135; Total Offense: 5th (they average 396.2 yards a game and have only scored 92 points, yikes); Total Defense: 11th; JJ Watt Humblebrags: As countless as the stars of the universe.
I’m a Jets fan, I’ve seen my fair share of shitty QB tandems. Houston has an extraordinarily shitty QB tandem. That is why they will continue to have a poor season.
Jacksonville Jaguars
Record 1-4; Points Scored: 93; Points Scored: 93; Points Allowed: 145; Total Offense: 19th; Total Defense: 19th; Blake Bortles: 1.
They’ve been in re-building mode for at least 5 years now and will continue for at least another 5. Is there anything notable about this team besides Khan’s mustache and Blake Bortles’s name?
Epilogue: Christ on a stick, fucking Clots have locked up the 4th seed already haven’t they?
AFC WEST
Oakland Raiders
Record: 2-3; Points Scored: 107; Points Allowed: 124; Total Offense: 22th; Total Defense: 25th; Total Fan-base Barbarism: 1st.
Did you guys see this story about Mark Davis. Jesus, Al did not raise a stable one. Then again, being the son of a zombie-vampire probably does not bode well for one’s life prospects. Raiders aren’t too bad and they will at least give a fight, and not just in the stands. However, Denver’s defense is suffocating and I do not see a wild-card spot for the Raiders any time this decade.
San Diego Chargers
YAAA BETTAAA REPENT SOMEBODY!!!!!
Record: 2-3; Points Scored: 116; Points Allowed: 134; Total Offense: 3rd; Total Defense: 15th; Rivers Children on the way in 2016: 2; Enemies of Christendom Slain: 431.
San Diego lost a winnable game against a banged-up Steelers team. The Rivers-led Chargers NFL window is closing, though his wife probably has a good 5-6 years of fertility left. San Diego probably has a good chance of doing one of their dumbass late runs in the season to snag a wild card, though I would not think they are a front-runner. At least Ol’ Marmalard, His Honorable King Laserface has two opportunities to deride Peyton about the use of stem cells this year.
Kansas City Chiefs
Record: 1-4; Points: Scored: 117; Points Allowed: 143; Total Offense: 18th; Total Defense: 26th; Jamaal Charles Season Ending Injuries: 2 (I’m not missing any am I?); Andy Reid Time Management Skills Hilarity: immeasurable.
Sorry Chiefs, I’ve got nothing. You have Fat Andy, Captain Tiny-Hands, and Jamaal Charles ACL tears. Ride out 2015 in quiet dignity as is your custom.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/d85c12549d94112dc0ec9ced2084eca7/tumblr_nk6p2mbhzl1rpco88o1_400.gif
Scary. AFC scary.
Shouldn’t it be Baguras?
Mark Davis looks like what an alien race who wants to disguise themselves “human”, but who have never seen a real one, would come up with.
Pretty fair assessment on the Titans. Makes no sense to argue quality over record. Opponents have been mid-level teams, at best. Whisenhunt might be losing the locker room though. A home loss to the Dolphins on Sunday will prove you right.
/Chugs 15 imaginary beers
I don’t understand how the Jaguars best player can be a 2-down MLB after eight years of “rebuilding”. Seriously, the best player on the Jaguars is Paul Posluszny like this was 1973 Penn State. And the soambitch is hurt.
Just for comparison, Rob Gronkowski is the greatest TE to ever play, and he’s the second best player on his team.
He’s on one foot now, still their best player.
That’s the thing that I loathe about the Miami Dolphins: I keep getting older, they remain the same shitty team.
I think this goes to show you that total yards gained or allowed might be a skewed way to evaluate an offense or defense. The Texans are in the top 1/3 for each category, but O’Brien may very well be fired this year.
I always thought defensive scores should reduce the other team’s point total instead of adding to your own score. Net effect is the same, but that way point totals would be more reflective of defensive performance or offensive performance.
“And in the battle of Ryan Mallet vs. Matt Cassel, the final score is -14 to -21.”
Every picture of Mark Davis is jolting and disorienting and should come with a warning.
WARNING: This picture may actually be Kathy Geiss from 30 Rock.
The 49ers? Also, why didn’t the Texans play Hoyer? Kid has been pretty good when given the opportunity to play.
O i c no NFC.
I’ve always thought that the browns were the lower middle class of football. they don’t make enough to show any upward mobility but they make to much to warrant government intervention. much like they’re fan base!
The misspelling makes this home run a grand slam.
Great visuals.
I like how one the Baguars has a jean jacket. I’d make a joke about it but, you know, the statement IS the joke.
You fail to mention that Baguar #2 has a Members Only jacket on. Equally as damning as the jean jacket.
I thought Members Only was the jackets with the normal torso material but denim ior leather sleeves?
Upon further review (http://www.membersonlyoriginal.com/), it is not. I guess I assumed it based off his friend in the jean jacket.
That site is horrible. Are they going to fill the American Apparel vacuum with hipsters?
God I hope not. I didn’t even know this website existed until I searched for it this morning.
Even better, over jean jackets shoulder is an old woman in a rascal, wearing headphones, a visor, and an American flag scarf,(I think, maybe she just sort of draped a flag around her neck.) who appears to be asleep/dead.
Tennessee is even more Baltimorish with 3 losses on a PLUS 11 point differential.
Quasi-Baltimorish! MAYBE
That’s really is bizarre, though. A team that’s middle of the pack in offense and Top 5 in defense (?!) shouldn’t be 1-3, but Tennessee seems to…seems to….s….
Sorry, I drifted off for a second there. What were we talking about? Tax return something? Oh, the Titans. Yeah, uh, they’re…certainly a football team.
A lot of that disparity might be skewed by the beatdown they put on the Bucs to open the season. They also lost two games by a combined 3 points. That hurts.
Ravens season over = nonstop hilarity on sports talk radio. Everything from “fire Dean Pees” to “never should have let Tyrod Taylor go”.
Now excuse me, I have to punch my crotch with a rubber mallet.