Heidy-ho, it’s a glorious Monday morning with a sense of order returned to the universe.  That’s right, Most Glorious el beisbol Cardinals have won the National League Central, and will make the playoffs relevant again.  Thank you, Jack Flaherty.

But what of Donks WOO!!!??  Well, they sure tried hard again!  Our Equine Lord and Saviour has pig-headedly refused to spend any draft (or free agent) capital on ILB, and it continues to pay off in spades.  Horny Fourny gashed that interior for 220, and would have broken Fred Taylor’s franchise record if game flow had allowed.  Donks gave up 20 straight after a 17-3 first half lead, only to take another home lead inside the 2-minute mark.  Sound like the Chi**** game enough?  YEP, another candy-ass roughing call gifts Minshew out of a hole (this time on Von), 2 long completions later and Josh Lambo kicks his 4th of the day.  26-24 Jaguras.  Fucking Christ, does 0-4 suck all the ass.

There was MOAR late bananacakes with the LA Coliseum hosting a wild scorigami, 55-40.  No, it was TAMPA BAY with the franchise record-setting point total.  Culminated by a Donkey Kong Suh fumble return TD.  Baby Buster threw for 512, but was an absolute turd out there.  Recall how I have been continuing to fade RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! despite the 3-0 mark entering Sunday.  It’s not the same team with a one-legged Gurley Man.  Not even close.

I actually switched my “loser pool” entry from Tampa (whew) to Detroit around noon EST.  That…looked highly questionable for most of the day, but Fuck Liouns left too much time on the clock, and Mahomes-y burnt ’em to a crisp.  He sees the entire field at all times, and has incredible pocket awareness.  This was a classic trap game upset script, but the best QB in the NFL wasn’t having none of it.  34-30 Chefs, as they knocked down 2 Hail Mary tosses late.  Great game.

My survivor pool entry still dies, as the fucking Humps got shithoused by the…Raiders??  31-24 was the final, but Indy was 2 scores down almost the entire way.  Just a putrid home dump in the Gravy Boat.  I don’t even know how that happened.  Marlon Mack got hurt.

Other folk got owies too.  Bollo del Verdad did in his shoulder on the opening series, but they are one of those rare sides with a competent backup.  And Chase Daniel was competent from start to finish, unlike Cap’n Dingleberry.  At one point in Q4, he was sitting on like 80 passing yards, still checking down while behind 16-0.  A painfully slow drive cut it to 16-6 around the 3-minute mark, ruining the shutout but causing nobody to break a sweat.  That was your final, as the jumble in the NFC North continues.

Also ded?  Any semblance of Redacteds dignity, losing 24-3 in the Joisey swamps.  DC talk radio finally got their rookie QB into the match, but he was 9 of 17 with THREE picks.  Gonna be another long set of seasons.  Daniel Jones was similarly loosey goosey with the ball, but actually managed to compensate with some GOOD play, and get points on the board.  Wayne Gallman was surprisingly cromulent, but that’s likely a one-week phenomenon.

Speaking of shitty quartered backing?  Tom Brady – 18 of 39, 150 and a pick.  BARF.  Brokeback wasn’t exactly good (similar yardage, 3 picks), but he was freelancing and had Buffalo threatening when P*ts’ CB Jonathan Jones no doubt earned a Grumblelord game ball with a vicious spear job.  Brokeback was almost knocked completely out, clearly concussed and at risk for Week 5.  Matt Barkley is NOT one of those rare, competent backups, and New England held on 16-10.  After being up 13-0 and on the Bills’ 1 in the first half (when Dreamboat tossed his pick).  They’ll still go 19-0, this was just a hate fuck cock tease.

You absolutely NEVAR know what to expect out of Tennessee, but even with that in mind, a 24-10 shellacking of Atlanta (in Megatron’s butthole, no less) was a shock.  Mariota was fantastic this week, as he seemingly always is when folks are writing his obituary.  AFC South is a similar jumble to the NFC North.

Because the 500s looked AWFUL in a 16-10 home loss to the honky-led Black Panthers.  Kyle Allen didn’t do too much in this one, but he didn’t have to.  The defensing unit bottled up Watson and Hopkins all game long, and forced negative plays and turnovers when it mattered most.  Only RedZone Hopkins play I saw was of him throwing a gadget pickerception.  Kudos to Ron Rivera for keeping his guys in there after 2 home losses to start the season.

I paid zero attention to LOLfins v. Clippers du Merde, aside from my inferring anti-semitic anger upon King Laserface facing Chosen Rosen.  At least he tossed a TD pass to Pope, that had to console him.  30-10, and YES, that finally included a Miami offensive TD.  Way before garbage time, even.

Give it up for #ThePauls, going into the town that once stole their team, and stealing back first place.  40-25, and it was never really very close after halftime.  Again, once the League has a full set of game film on Lamar! – I expect to see vastly diminishing returns.  I mean, it worked that way in the lukewarm, pee-filled kiddie pool that is the ACC.

The SeaTruthers went deep into Conspiracy Land and won a deathly boring 27-10 matchup with the Qardinals.  Fitty got into (distant) 2nd place in all-time completions.  Fittingly, it was inside 2 minutes with Seattle basically letting him catch the ball.  Clowney got a nifty pick six, all I really noticed other than the Fitty thing.  I put the over/under on Koach Kliff’s firing at week 9, 2020.

Sunday night promised good footy with the Saints hosting the Non-Gendered Cowpersons.  Is DAK DAK DAK DAK! now the best QB in the NFC?  I’d say YES.  But Bitchin’ Kamara is the best offensive player, and I’m not sure it’s even close.  Anyway, we have yet another grotesque example of ref-ball, this time in New Orleans’ favour.  BLECH.  That said, both defensing units really put on quite a show.  Good game.  I thought that NO settled for too many FGs, but they done won anyhow.  12-10.