Commentist Beer Barrel: Viewers’ Choice Edition

Greetings, fellow drunkies! I was originally going to post the results from my Halloween Oktoberfest Tasting, but the notes from the evening are predictably jumbled and nonsensical. For example:

BFT [Best Friend Tabitha]: Ayinger was smooth, like an old woman.

So instead, I’m going to move in another direction: home brewing. Seeing as Dr. Mrs. Mayhem is overseas for a month, it’s time to make a horrific mess in the kitchen with delicious alcoholic results. The question I put to you: What Shall I Brew? Limitations are:

1. Must be an ale or be able to use ale yeast without tasting funny. In the absence of a root cellar or similar, no lagering for the Reverend.

2. No IPAs, double IPAs, quadruple IPAs or other LET ME SHOW YOU HOW BIG MY DICK IS IN IBU nonsense. There are plenty of good commercial IPAs out there, I don’t need to make my own.

3. No fruit. Seriously, no fucking fruit. The fuck are you, a six year old whose mother thinks “processed sugar” is child murder?

4. No open fermentation. The cat already enjoys watching the bubbles, and I’m concerned about open fermentation from both a hygiene and having-to-bathe-the-cat point of view.

Extra points awarded for including a clever name. HAVE AT IT, COMMENTISTS!