This Week in F**k You: The Common Cold.

In an earlier post this week regarding depression, OSZ stated “Every year around this time” and I couldn’t put it more succinctly.

I have a shitty, fucking, whole head cold.

God this shit sucks.

It’s around the time of year in California when we go from “Holy shit I love living out here!” to “Holy good goddamn it got cold!” I will be the first to admit that us West Coasties really don’t have it that bad and we most certainly don’t know what REAL cold temps are like. This coming from someone who lived in Iowa, Illinois and in Jersey. I do know what real cold is like but I’ve been in L.A. so long I have been “grandfathered in” to bitch any time the temperature drops below 50.

It starts with the cold and when the winds kick up it really gets rolling. First thing you notice when the seasons change (please note: we have just the two seasons) is your skin dries up like jerky and you feel like you’ve been put into a food dehydrator.

Like this:

You literally feel like bathing in lotion. The skin on your hands dries to a sandpaper type feel and then your sinuses start rebelling. This happens BEFORE you get the head cold but oh God, you just know a cold is coming.

You all know the symptoms. You know the drill. Back of the throat feels a little warm and scratchy, the sinuses start to clog a little and the next thing you know…

It’s absolutely fucking insane how much mucous the human body can produce. It’s disgusting and actually quite amazing at the same time. My standard procedure is to grab a box of “Puffs” – Christ what a horrible name for a tissue – then a big ass bottle of Nyquil (Nyquil shots!!! followed by Nyquil shits!!!) and some Dayquil. Then proceed with the self medicating. I always follow doctor’s orders and drink plenty of fluids! Fuck off, beer, whisky and wine are fluids. I have to buy the “Puffs” (Jesus) because I have this wimpy ass nose that gets a sore if I have to blow my nose more than three times. It looks like my skin is trying to crawl off my face. It is not my best look.

Ahh, Nyquil! Let’s see, Acetaminophen, Dextromethorphan HBr, Doxylamine succinate and it’s also 20 proof alcohol. Shit yes! I’m pretty sure these are the ingredients that Walter White first used when he began his meth empire. Important safety tip kids! Never try to buy more than 2 bottles of this at a time. You will find yourself being monitored by the DEA, or so I’ve heard. Ahem, Let’s move on.

Oh yes, the sneezing. When the cold first starts settling in good and proper you will know you are fully fucked the first time you fire off that 4 sneeze volley. You know what I mean. Those 4 sneezes in a span of two seconds? You aren’t just sneezing from your nose and mouth. Fuck no! Your entire head sneezes. People who wear glasses are nodding along right about now. When you sneeze with your glasses on, the inside of your lenses look like the blood splatter spray at a shotgun crime scene. I’m pretty sure your forehead sneezes and your cheekbones and chin. Your head just basically explodes with mucous and everyone within a 1/4 mile radius looks at you absolutely fucking terrified like you’re Typhoid Mary or some kind of shit. I can’t blame them. Ever been in a movie theater and somebody fires off the sneeze volley? It’s OK to run screaming from the theater in this instance.

/not sure if it’s ever a good idea to run screaming from a theater.

Christ this is horrible goddamn shit.

If your sinuses are fully blocked you won’t be able to sleep right, your mouth turns into the fucking Sahara desert and you wake up with almost no sleep and a fucking Nyquil hangover. Just fire me out of a canon directly at the sun please.

After a couple of terrible, just no good, shit-awful days your cold starts to clear up by having the mucous change from water to Elmer’s Glue. Then you have the joy of hacking and spitting this unholy mess up for the next couple of weeks, if you’re lucky! Ever have that shit settle to the bottom of your lungs and refuse to come out? I have! That’s called bronchitis and it fucking blows rabid weasel dicks. I was out of work for almost 3 months a few years back with this garbage. Your lung size is reduced to the same size as the lungs of a lab rat and you can run out of breath just walking to the refrigerator for another beer. I recommend going after multiple beers. It’s like aerobics!

I am doing this post as a quick explanation why there won’t be a Sunday Gravy but you know what? Here’s a good goddamn recipe for when you are sick.

Chicken Soup!

1 2 lb whole chicken cut into quarters.

2 stalks of celery chopped

2 carrots chopped

1 medium onion chopped

3 cloves of garlic

1 tablespoon of crushed dried thyme

1 bay leaf

1/2 lb dried noodles. Your choice of noodle type. I like wide egg noodles.

1/2 teaspoon of crushed dried oregano.

salt and a shitload of ground black pepper to taste.

Throw everything but the noodles into a dutch oven or stock pot, cover with enough water to submerge everything and bring that bastard to a low simmer. Reduce flame and simmer on low for about 2 to 2 1/2 hours, seasoning as you go. You may also need to add a little more water as it cooks. Remove the chicken from the pot, let chicken cool and debone the chicken carefully. Throw the chicken back into the soup and add in the noodles and cook for about 10-15 more minutes. Inhale the soup. It is delicious and actually has many healing properties! I think it’s the schmaltz or chicken fat.

/quick aside this is a rock solid chicken stock recipe too. I’m actually reserving some of the stock for next week when I’m making Grandmommies Dressin’. I hope to get a recipe for that to you by Thanksgiving.

I hope you are feeling good and rested because this shit is coming and it absolutely will not fucking stop until you are infected!

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go blow my nose, goddamit!