The scene: Still the future! Although we’re in a slightly less Wasteland-y part, thanks to Horatio Cornblower and Moosemas Gorilla finding a a rather large pond. They’re currently splashing around in it, cleaning off all sorts of squirrel gore.

Horatio Cornblower: Good job finding this place, pal! It’s nice to get clean again. I was feeling pretty sticky.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook. Ook-ook.

Horatio Cornblower: No, it was worse than that time Zymm made that automated syrup dispenser and it thought I was a pig in a blanket.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Horatio Cornblower: No, I still have no idea who puts syrup on a pig in a blanket. Probably Litre Cola or the Maestro.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook!

Horatio Cornblower: No kidding! Canadians, eh?

Horatio Cornblower and Moosemas Gorilla both laugh, but their laughter at the expense of an entire country brings a swift and brutal karmic reprisal as a still-gory PK comes trotting up, Otto in hand.

PK: There you guys are! Gee whiz, I got worried when we couldn’t find you!

Otto’s Brain: Yeah, it’s almost like you were trying to ditch us.

Moosemas Gorilla (innocently): Ook?

Otto’s Brain: Oh, don’t give me that! You guys took off pretty damn fast when PK here stopped to pick up that Twinkie.

Horatio Cornblower: Sorry, Otto, but I didn’t really want to watch PK scarf down 300 year-old junk food.

PK (getting into the pond): It was still good! I mean, it was kinda chewy…

Otto’s Brain: That’s because you ate the plastic wrapper.

PK (clumsily washing off Otto): Y’know what I could really go for, though?

Horatio Cornblower (as he and Moosemas Gorilla get out of the pond): A cyanide milkshake?

PK: No, a custard donut sandwich. I had one at a Brewers game one time. It was great! I liked the way that the caramel melted into the peanut butter.

Horatio Cornblower: Welp, I saw a giant squirrel explode a few hours ago, but that’s now only the second-most disgusting mental image I have.

Otto’s Brain (half-submerged): Blurbstard sandblub?!!

PK (fumbling with PK): It’s even better than it sounds! Nice and crunchy! Y’know, pretzels are good on anything.

Moosemas Gorilla (disgusted): Ook…

Otto slides around in PK’s hands, his nigh-invulnerable globe having become very slippery. He squirts out of PK’s hands and up into the air.

Otto’s Brain (as he arcs and begins to descend): Dammit, PK! You idiotic sonnuva-

With a splash Otto hits the water and sinks.

PK (panicking): Oh no! Hang on, buddy! I’ll save you!

PK dives under the pond’s placid surface. Well, not dives, exactly. It’s more like a belly-flop performed by 260 lbs. of Laffy Taffy. He waves his arms in a spasmodic approximation of what swimming would be if performed by someone who had not only never seen anyone swim, but had never even heard of the concept. PK’s man-bun is the last part of him to go under. It floats on the surface, impossibly buoyant for a few seconds, then slowly sinks from sight.

Horatio Cornblower: Huh. Well, Otto’ll be okay. I mean, he’s pretty much his own biosphere.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Horatio Cornblower (as bubbles come up): PK? Oh, no. He’s gonna drown for sure.

Moosemas Gorilla (watching as fewer bubbles come up): Ook-ook?

Horatio Cornblower: Yeah, we should do something. But what? I’m six inches tall, and you can’t swim.

Moosemas Gorilla (as the bubbles stop): Ook.

Horatio Cornblower: We’re just victims of circumstance, pal.

Moosemas Gorilla (watching the still waters): Ook.

Horatio Cornblower: Yeah, it’s a real shame. But it’s time to move on. We can’t just dwell on the past.

Moosemas Gorilla (as the water starts to move): Ook!

Otto comes rolling out of the pond and onto the shore, dragging along PK, who has his arms tightly wrapped around the globe.

Horatio Cornblower (glaring): Fer Chrissakes, Otto…

Otto’s Brain (irritated): Thanks for all the help there, guys.

PK (coughing up water): You saved me again, Otto! You’re the best best friend a guy ever had!

Horatio Cornblower (sarcastically): Good going, Otto. You’re a real hero.

PK (hugging Otto’s Brain against his chest): Yeah you are!

Otto’s Brain: Glmph! Enough with the hugging! If I wanted to get squeezed between a pair of enormous boobs, I’d be rolling around in a strip club!

Horatio Cornblower: You need hands to make it rain, Otto.

Otto’s Brain: Not the way I do it…

Moosemas Gorilla (looking at the forest near the pond): Ook…

Horatio looks up to see a dozen or so apes comes walking through the trees. They’re a mix of chimpanzees and orangutans, dressed in a colorful array of swimwear and holding beach towels, picnic baskets and beach balls. They stop and stare at the rather odd sight in front of them, and the DFOers stare back.

Otto’s Brain (still nestled in PK’s cleavage): What the hell…? Did we just walk into a furry’s idea of a Frankie & Annette movie?

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook? Ook-ook!

The beach-going apes look at each other, then one of them, dressed in bright red swimtrunks, steps forward.

Red Swimtrunks Chimp: Hold on, guys, I’ve got this. I took that class in Ancient Gorilloid last fall.

Green Swimtrunks Chimp (skeptically): You got a C-minus, man.

Red Swimtrunks Chimp: Shut up, dude. At least I went to class instead of getting baked on banana weed every day. Now hold on… Ook. Ook-ook?

Important note: Ancient Gorilloid is a very, very complex language, built not only on verbal cues, but on specific intonations, facial expression, eye contact and body language. So the chimpanzee meant to say, “Hello, we are very pleased to make your acquaintance. May we inquire as to your identity, and how we may further our burgeoning relationship without physical conflict?” But since he casually flicked a finger at a nearby wasp and gave a cursory glance to PK as he spoke, what he really said was, “Your girlfriend there is pretty hairless. How’d she like to swing with a real ape?”

Moosemas Gorilla, enraged by the accidental insult, pounds the ground in thunderous fury and charges the gathering of beachgoing apes.

Horatio Cornblower (hanging on for dear life): Oh, shiiiii-

Green Swimtrunks Chimp (to the Red Swimtrunks Chimp): Oh, great going, dude! We’re all gonna die, and I just bought a kilo of righteous banana weed!

All of the Other Apes (watching Moosemas Gorilla charge): AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Cut to: Ape City Police HQ, an always-bustling hive of activity. Two chimpanzee officers are currently booking a surly orangutan, while Hardboiled Detective sits at his desk, typing out a report.

Harboiled Detective (to his partner, Top Detective): Is ‘bonobo’ spelled with one ‘n’ or two?

Top Detective: One. And I’m not a dictionary, mister. I’m a cop. My job isn’t to correct your spelling, it’s to keep this city safe. That’s why I wear a badge.

Hardboiled Detective (grumbling as he gets the whiteout): Yeah, yeah, yeah. I should’ve stayed on the RV with Beerguyrob and the others.

Top Detective: That bunch was nothing but trouble. Sure, they seemed like nice guys. But even nice guys can take a turn down the wrong road and end up in a dead-end alley. And that bunch? They were just cruising the streets, looking for that alley. And one day?

Hardboiled Detective (resignedly): Yeah?

Top Detective: They were going to find it.

Suddenly, Captain Momo approaches the two human detectives.

Captain Momo: Detectives! I’m glad you’re here!

Top Detective: Yassir?

Captain Momo: There’s a riot going on down at Hunter Pond, and I want my best men down there!

Hardboiled Detective: Hot dog, action at last!

Captain Momo: And take an A.S.S. with you. You might need it.

Hardboiled Detective: Sir?

Captain Momo: An Asshole Shock Stick. If anyone gets out of line, a good zap will calm them down.

Hardboiled Detective: I really don’t want to ram a stick up anyone’s…

Captain Momo (shaking his head): No, no, no! The ‘Asshole’ in question is the suspect. It’s not a specific body part.

The two chimpanzee officers who were booking the surly orangutan look at each other in surprise.

Chimp Officer #1: It’s…not…?

Chimp Officer #2 (looking guilty): Whoops…

Surly Orangutan (glaring at both of them): You dicks…!

To be continued…