Sunday Gravy with DJ TAJ: You can’t beatus this meatus

Damn I think I’m going crazy, six weeks locked in the Covid cave, and why 19? How come it’s not twelve or six? Covid-6 sounds like a scary old Bela Lugosi movie, way more terrifying than silly old 19.

Drinking starts daily around 1:00 in the afternoon, insanity and confusion follow in short order.

All this free time? I know what I’ll do, I’ll work out more, put on 10 pounds already. I guess I’ll write the great american novel , who you trying to fool like you can write? Jesus drivel perhaps but write? Please.

So what’s a boy supposed to do? I watched that old seventies film “Shaft” the other day man did that suck. Now in season 2 of Ozark and God damn it’s good. No sports How many three-year old bowling tournaments and old UFC matches can you watch?

And then like God fell out of the sky and showed me T.V.G.

Have you seen this miracle? It’s live, live I’m telling you, live horse racing. All you have to do is watch, they give you details on the ponies you log onto your online sports (quit lying you have one) book and bet away. I’m only down 40 bucks in two days. Damn only 16 minutes till the first post time and that “Coin a Phrase” looks pretty fast better get this whole food mess out of the way but first I want you to stop what your doing (yes stop reading even) and go in your room, garage or back porch and fire up a doob, I’ll go with you, see you back here in a moment.

Damn bro that shit was tight, I’m hungry, what you got to hog down? Let’s have some horse steaks, that damn “Coin a Phrase” should change it’s name to “Dinner plate”
What?
We can’t eat it?
Oh, never mind.

Look what I’ve got here. That’s right Teriyaki steak and noodles, somebody get me some damn chopsticks it’s go time. I was once warned that you may over indulge on this finery causing one to eject said meal with vicious force. One poor soul swore that it cursed him so that every time he vomited over the next ten years he could taste that savory meat in his (he got better) nose, so be warned my friends, be warned.

 TEXAS ON FIRE

Look, there is nothing new here, (I am certain that this dish has been covered in one of “Yeah Rights”s righteous posts, go there, I’m a dork) so let’s make haste, shall we?

Perfectly simple: it’s basically one cup of soy sauce and one third cup sugar, (some say to add water to thin the soy to this I also scoff) just do the math it works up to bathtubs full. Now I have always, let me reiterate (Ooh reiterate) always, used white sugar choose what you like but again.. So I used 3 cups soy to one fat cup of sugar (I like mine a little sweet) like 7 cloves of garlic and a two ounce chunk of fresh ginger, a third of a cup of pineapple (yes canned is fine it’s what I used) juice and throw into pan that will hold said mass. Bring just to a boil and drop the heat to simmer stirring every (use a timer it’s what I did, but I was drunk) 7 minutes or so for about an hour. Let cool or if you like Napalm, just spill a little of this molten madness on your crotch.

Pour gently into a clean vessel (why yes I did use my empty soy sauce bottle and does it ever just do the trick) and store in cool box 31. Oh you’ll see why it’s 31.

My meat was so big it scared some of the slightly damaged children so I chose to trim it a touch, a little fat here, cut into 4 equal ( Oh, got said meatus at Whole Foods market and damn was it expensive, but you know any port in a storm and such) sized chunks tossed into a large plastic storage bag into cool box 31 for,

JUST LOOK AT THE VIOLENCE

Oh Christ here he goes…..

Picture 10 year old D.J.Taj at Christmas no less. Grandma’s house and could she lay down a spread? (the very Christ mess that said regurgitate story from above took place) piles of tasty abounds. Sweets and treats and delicious delights for every tongue. On the magic middle table laid a meat item sent down from heaven itself succulent, juicy, which compelled me to ask “Grandma what did you do to create this boner inducer” (does that count?) and she said…Now where was I?

Put into plastic bag for 48 hours, no I did not say 27 I said 48 and if you don’t, not only will my dead grandmother haunt your soul but you will do it wrong. Look it’s meat candy it needs all 48 I went 51. Started Thursday (just before first beer) at noon, cooked Saturday around 3. If you are not going to do this go somewhere else it has, MUST, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARDS, MUST be done this way, cool?

Fire up grill, pull out bag (not that one silly) pat your meat chunks dry and let come to room temperature,wait I need another hit I’ll be right back.

Throw onto grill cook 3:30 seconds (fire not too hot or not too cool but you know this already) use that timer again it’s okay. After time elapses grab meat and be prepared for the stickage it will be tremendous, we have already discussed the whole candy meat concept, rotate sticky meat 90 degrees, back to timer give me another 3:30.

Time to flip , please dear baby Jesus do not overcook you are going to heat it with the noodles in mere moments. Cook for 3 more minutes it should be ( I am not in your backyard with you so you’re going to need to help me here)

yummy yummy time, cover with foil and let breath for at least ten minutes, noodle time bitches.

HEY IS THAT A …

As per package instructions thirty minutes in VERY hot water, ( I did this twenty minutes ago, keep up) big bowl ( I break my noodles in half, easier to handle later) noodles in, cover with towel, let stand thirty minutes. Prepped your veggies? Good saves time.

Wok or what ever big ass skillet you may have

Oh crap forgot

1/4 cup of onion finely chopped
1 carrot shredded no blood or fingernails please
4 cloves garlic finely minced oh go ahead and bleed if you must
2 ounces big chunk of Elvis, what? damn that weed is good Jack. Ginger, fresh only, chopped (yes it is a challenge, persevere, overcome) fine
1 cup frozen peas
1 cup broccoli (I used frozen don’t you cast your demon eyes my way, vicious coot)
Couple of squirts of (I used vegetable) oil
Notice I used no salt? wonder why? Because soy is very salty.

Big pan, wok, whatever means you are using to prepare this silliness, carrots (longest cook time but you knew that) first, ginger and onions next, cook until ready, add garlic and peas, heat thoroughly, add noodles heat (and thorough) flip them sum bitches over a few times

and ( remember that bottle of sauce we poured earlier? some folks say it’s too strong, to that I say “Fuck em”)

add a couple of splashes of our treasure sauce.

Grab a bowl, some chopsticks 4 beers and 2 napkins, it’s about to get ugly up in here. Now take the prepared meat cut very thin on the (against not with the grains) bias,

I prepped broccoli on the side (some pussies don’t (yes I am looking right at you) like it) throw the whole concoction on a plate or bowl

more sauce? that’s up to you, eat until full, no projectile vomiting please.

Was it good? Yes.
Was it hard? No.

Did I have fun? Week 7 of the lock down, there’s no God and there’s no devil so

le ciel saigne

I love you all, be safe and be smart the worst may yet come.