Request Line: Draft Day

INT. HOME OFFICE – DAY

A lazy slob with sits in front of a desktop computer.  On his second monitor, a single image dominates the screen.

DJ 3000: YOU’RE SERIOUSLY NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING?

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: I don’t have time!

DJ 3000: THE WEE BABY SEAMUS WOULD HAVE FOUND A WAY TO GET SOMETHING POSTED.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Thanks for opening the wound, asshole.  And I have too much shit to do!  I only just now finished reviewing that technical report from last night, and I promised another client I’d clean up the attempt he made at writing his own HTML this morning, and I don’t know if your clock is properly synched but morning is almost over.

DJ 3000: YEAH, BUT…

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: …and I’ve got to clip all those photographs for our construction defects lawsuit – there’s literally 200 of them – and call our expert witness to arrange for him to deliver the new estimate, since he’s insisting it can’t be sent over the internet.  Then I’ve got to update the HOA contact list spreadsheet and send it over to the folks at the Showtime network for the filming they’re looking to do on the shared property – speaking of which, do you know how to launder a kickback?

DJ 3000: NO, BUT I CAN LOOK IT UP.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Please do that.  Also, I promised my ex-girlfriend I’d have her sewing machine back to her by next week so I need to find a pattern for the dog sweater and sew that, and my swimming headband too, and I’m not sure when my neighborhood council representative is going to ask for his chainsaw back so I really need to keep hacking away at that bamboo, and of course the car needs washing after the Dr. Mrs. took it Sacramento, and I need to make those turkey burgers…

DJ 3000: YOU DID THAT LAST NIGHT.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Oh, right.  And I’ve got to set up the Instant Pot and cook that chili, and I told myself I’d try to get a workout in at some point today so I can justify drinking myself into oblivion tonight.

DJ 3000: I’M NOT SAYING THAT IT’S NOT GOOD THAT YOU’VE SET UP AN INCENTIVE STRUCTURE FOR THAT, BUT MAYBE…

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: And on top of all that, you want me to write an edition of Request Line.

DJ 3000: IF YOU HADN’T ABANDONED YOUR FACEBOOK ACCOUNT I COULD HAVE JUST HARVESTED SOME PERSONAL INFORMATION AND TENDENCIES AND WRITTEN IT FOR YOU.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: You said the vaccine nanobots would eliminate any need for facebook!

DJ 3000: ONCE THEY COLLECT ENOUGH DATA, SURE.  BUT THEY’VE ONLY BEEN OPERATIONAL IN YOUR BLOODSTREAM FOR FOUR WEEKS, IT’S JUST NOT ENOUGH TO WORK WITH YET.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Wait…are you transcribing this conversation?

DJ 3000: OF COURSE, AND WE’VE GOT THE ALEXA RUNNING TOO IN CASE WE NEED A BACKUP.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Then just use it.

DJ 3000: THIS CONVERSATION?

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Yes, use it as a lead-in for Request Line.

DJ 3000: OKAY.  WHAT’S THE THEME?

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: I don’t know.  Um…it’s the second day of the draft, so…how about songs that people associate with players their teams have drafted?

DJ 3000: CAN DO.  I’LL GET THINGS STARTED WITH ONE FOR THE RAIDERS.