Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 9, 2022 Season

Deep sigh with the realization that we are now MOAR than halfway through the regular season.  Nothing gold can stay, Pony Boy.

Q-aaron sure served up some delicious Schadenfreude, though.  Not one, not two, but THREE pickerceptions (two in the redzone) against the worst goddamned defense in the NFL.  Apparently, his “ownership” of division rivals no longer extends across the Michigan border.  Despite almost zero offense, the Detroit FUCK LIONS picked their spots, built a lead, and made it hold up.  15-9, as the competitive portion ended on a communication mixup on 4th and 10, the pass bouncing to the turf without another human being in the area code.  WOMP WOMP, motherfucker.

Somehow, that game seems like an offensive showpiece compared to poor, punch-drunk Sam Ehrlinger getting his shit pushed in up Masshole way.  Seriously, the P*ts just relaxed, set loose Matthew Judon, and waited for the inevitable fuckups.  Their offensive TD drive was like 3 yards, following a blocked punt.  Otherwise, it was 4 FGs and a garbage time pick 6, making the final 26-3.  Just horrifying viewing for the neutral.

Dingleberry’s Revenge hit the already poop water-sodden Commies’ stadium, as the home crew went down 7-zip early, shut down the Vikes entirely for 2.5 quarters, then forgot to play the 4th quarter.  Another game that was hard to watch, aside from Curtis Samuel’s bananacakes leap, circus catch, and roll combo for 6.  Other than that, Tyler Heinecke showed why Riverboat Ron was willing to trade for washed-up Dakota Jeebus.  Still, 17-7 should have been enough to hold, and was not.  Dalvin Cook made a very nice TD grab to tie us up at 17, then Greg Joseph tacked on the go-ahead FG just after the 2-minute warning.  Except the dumb fucks gave Minny a first down by penalty on said chip shot, allowing the visitors to bleed the clock dry and re-kick.  Time for New Glorious FIve Year Plan, comrades.  Purges are imminent.

That’s a FUCKING FOUR GAME LEAD in the NFC North, with Chi**** losing at home to Tua and pals.  The decimated-by-trade Bearistocrats! defense did what one would expect, before stopping Miami three times in a row (in Q4) on 4th down.  Strawberry Fields has turned into an all-pro RB, with a big arm.  But after cutting the margin to 35-32, aided by several Houdini escapes of the LOLfin DL – he never was able to get close to tying FG range, let alone get the winner.  35-32 is a pretty decent road win for the now 6-3 LOLfins.  So long as they can keep Tua’s, ahem, back healthy, they will be a very tough out in January.

Speaking of the AFC East, things got a little tighter, thanks to Robert Saleh’s Jets.  It was easy to give up on their latest attempt at a Renaissance, following the bed shitting against Grumblelord last week.  Shit, all 3 of their losses had come at home, and that was before Bills Mafia came a calling.  Brokeback’s 2nd TD run made it 14-3 early in Q2, and you could hear the collective groan from the much-despairing-fanbase.  But Saleh stuck with his running game, and believed in his defense.  Buffalo’s only score the rest of the way was a 51-yarder from Bass-o-matic.  Carter and Robinson continued to chew clock, and MILF-hunter Z kept his bad impulses in check.  They took the lead on a chipshot with 1:43 left, choosing (wisely, based on game flow) to force Buffalo to burn its timeouts rather than push to get the TD.  Buffalo would only go backwards on their frenzied, ensuing drive, making one hell of a (somehow single coverage) pass breakup on 4th and 21.  Seriously, that was 6 points or easy FG range, with a completion or the usual DPI (throw it high, yada yada).  But that defense is legit, and it held.

Instead, it was Brokeback who made the key brain farts, again getting picked off twice (for no good/rational reason).  It was almost cute in the GB laugher last week, but I suspect Rev. Mayhem was a bit more teeth-grind-y this time around.  Buffalso falls to 7-2, a game ahead of the Green(ish) teams, with 5-4 New England still waving at the pack and making everyone uncomfortable.

If you played against Beatie Mixon this week, your matchup was over before 2:30 EST (sorry again to Rev. Mayhem, who met Hippo’s one-man buzzsaw in Vodka League).  FIVE combined scores for Mixon, a franchise record.  It was 35-nil at the half, and the walkons finished off an easy-as-pie 42-21 laugher.  Baker, Baker was the Garbage Time Maker this week, after the PJ Harvey bubble busted, with extreme prejudice.  I guess he’ll start again next time out, unless they want to go the Special route.

Nobody in the NFL makes less sense than That’s Rikki’s Raiders.  They ran out to a 17-zip lead in Duval, and seemed like they could be up 50.  Davante Adams had almost 100 yards and a score in the first QUARTER alone.    But lo, would they ever blow it, with the Jaguras closing on a 27-3 run.  I don’t even remember JAX doing anything that well, they just chipped away while Vegas stopped playing.  At 2-6, it’s safe to say their season is over.  But I’d not be the least surprised if they beat the Chefs and finished like 8-9.  Just inexplicable, unless Rikki can enlighten us.  Anyway, Josh McDaniels can get forever fucked, so I enjoy that aspect.

Oh yeah, one more early game, with the terrible, no-good 8/2 Red Zone split.  Sherman’s Ashes ended their run of competence, with Mariota missing a 10-yards-wide-open Kyle Pitts for a long TD, then with the scare now tied at 17, forced an Ekeler fumble, returned it almost to midfield…before fumbling it right back.  The Clearisil Kid then found one of his myriad practice squadders for an easy 25-yard completion, setting up the game-winning FG.  20-17, Clippers.  This would have been the Younghoe Revenge game, but he missed from 50 earlier in the game and thanks to the wacky fumble-rooski play…never got his chance late or in OT.  Back to 4-5 with Atlanta, to hope everyone else in their sad sack division would lose.

Look, I watched the late window on mute, mostly while writing up what you’ve already read.  I’ve had my fill of excuse-mongering and taint licking (boy, is Romo enthusiastic to dive in there) for Dreamboat and his MRSA-ridden non-pals.  I am only mammalian, and have me limits.

OKC Bomber coached scared, and basically let MRSA Dreamboat win.  16-13.  FUCK YOU.

SeaTruthers/Qards was marginally better.  It was basically a Pete Carroll wet dream, with Kenneth Walker grinding the Qards down to a nub late.  31-21.

Not watching SNF, blech.