[A 1985 Camaro IROC-Z squeals its tires, bursting onscreen to the sounds of Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ The Law”.]

BOSS TODD IS FUCKIN’ BACK, BITCHES!

USFL commish says we gotta start takin’ a look at our rosters to figure shit out soon. FUCK THAT. It’s BURNOUT SEASON, baby. Colder temps mean more rubber to lay down! You ever spun out on black ice? I fuckin’ love it. Do it eight times a day. Fear of death gets my dick harder than diamonds. Just as well that I found something out back earlier that probably would’ve killed its drivers multiple times over in the winter months. LET’S GO.

THE SCRIPPS-BOOTH BI-AUTOGO

Model Year: 1913

Total units produced: 1

Vehicle type: Three-seat motorcycle with additional “training” wheels

Engine: 6.3 L V8, 45 hp

Drivetrain: RWD (chain drive)

Transmission: 4-speed manual

Gross weight: 3200 lbs.

0-60 time: Unknown, but probably atrocious

Top speed: 75 mph

Vehicle cost: unknown

What makes this car interesting? 

Modern motorcycles are typically all about trying to see how much power you can pack into the smallest possible square footage – tiny, buzzing two-strokes angrily screaming and weaving through multiple lanes of traffic in a furious rush. Compared to the plush comfort of an automobile, there’s little wonder that motorcycles are treated mostly as toys rather than reliable means of transport in the United States.

And yet – without the technological advances of one particular motorcycle, we might not have seen such advances in large engine design that proved to be such a formative part of the American automotive experience. The Scripps-Booth Bi-AutoGo, a curious one-off invention, was the first American vehicle powered by a V8 engine, and despite its lack of success in the market, General Motors acquired the tiny company in 1918 largely to get access to its engine designs, and the rest is history.

The Bi-Autogo’s inventor, James Scripps-Booth, an heir to the Scripps publishing and media fortune (Scripps National Spelling Bee? Yeah, that family.), was a high school dropout obsessed with both art and automobiles. The Bi-AutoGo was his first vehicle, which he finished building at age 24. Besides the V8, it had a number of other cool features. It had a retractable armrest. It had hidden door hinges. It had seating for three! And most importantly, it had two “training wheels” on either side of the cockpit that could be raised up by a lever whenever the vehicle started moving faster than 20 miles an hour. At low speed, the Bi-AutoGo needed these wheels engaged in order to prevent tipping over due to such precarious alignment. Even with the requisite number of wheels necessary to be considered a car, the Bi-AutoGo is unmistakably a motorcycle – albeit a gigantic one.

To the surprise of few, the Bi-AutoGo did not ever really catch on, though its V8 engine, originally inspired by a French design by De Dion, received acclaim. Thanks to inventors like Scripps-Booth, and later GM, the V8 became the backbone of the American auto industry for the next sixty years, right up to the 1973 OPEC gas crisis. While its days are numbered, the full-throated rumble of a large block is unmistakable on any road in the world. The original Bi-AutoGo is a one-of-a-kind museum piece today, residing at the Detroit Historical Museum, which has shitloads of cool (and weird) vehicles from the early days of Michigan’s automotive industry.

What makes this car stupid?

Well first off, it’s heavy as all fuck. 3200 lbs is an absolutely preposterous amount of weight for a glorified motorcycle – that’s more than a modern Civic, Corolla or Elantra sedan. A modern Kawasaki Ninja weighs just 423 lbs, so this thing is almost eight times as heavy as a modern sport bike.

Second, we have to look at the proportions. Look at how far in front the front wheel is. You think there’s power steering on this bitch? Good fucking luck. Even Big Ben doesn’t have the fucking arm strength needed to take this son of a whore into a tight corner somewhere in downtown Pittsburgh. Those wheels are also fucking massive. 37.” diameter, and they’re made of wood. Dogshit on the shock absorption.

Lastly, training wheels? Come ON. Have some fucking self-respect. Jesus tittyfucking Christ.

CAN YOU GET PUSSY IN THIS CAR? 

THIS IS WHY MOTORCYCLES ARE FOR HOMOSEXUALS! Only way you’re gettin’ any action in this thing is if someone’s givin’ you a reach-around. That tiny cabin! BULLSHIT DESIGN. Three people? My ass.

How can BOSS TODD fix this thing? 

Wooden wheels? Jesus, if my ass needed a pounding on a motorcycle I’d just fucking call your average closeted suburban Harley owner. What a dumbass concept. And honestly, if you think about it, this thing is really just a very early equivalent of a modern Polaris Slingshot. And you bet your ASS those dipshits are FAIR FUCKING GAME out on the interstate. Driving one of those is worse than playing ball in fucking China or somewhere like that. Running them off the road is doing God’s work.

But here. I tell you what. You wanna fix it? Fine. Keep the training wheels a permanent thing. Size ’em up properly and ditch the motorcycle wheel. Now we’re at a tricycle. But we ain’t done yet. Double the front wheels and now you got yourself a dragster type setup! Tune your carb for race gas, slap a turbo on that shit, and NOW we’re fuckin’ talking. Last bit: gotta get the flame decals going. Every real dragster knows without the flames blazin’ out the sides, you ain’t shit.

BOSS TODD out, bitches. See you in hell.

[The Camaro burns out again, with “Breakin’ The Law” blaring once more.]

***

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here. Banner image by The Maestro.