Some Care for Caretakers: Offseason Sunday Open Thread

Back in 2012, when hotmail was a thing and Jeeves panhandled for questions, Chuck Pagano got his first head coaching job, with the Colts. Pagano hired Bruce Arians as Offensive Coordinator after the Steelers kicked Arians out and threw a gold watch towards the sidewalk. In Week 6 of the 2012 season, Pagano received a leukemia diagnosis which, at that time, was not subject to replay review. Arians stepped in as caretaker HC and the Clots were at 9-3 when Pagano returned. So dynamite caretaking, yes. That also turned into two successful additional HC stints for Bruce Arians.

From what I remember: the Arizona stint was notable for that wtf! Carson Palmer season. Two things stand out about the 2015 Birdcano: for, like, four weeks straight Arizona played on prime time (twice by flex IIRC). The other thing I remember was Palmer being worse than Andy Dalton in postseason play.

The time in Tampa [spits on floor]. Not because of Brady, whom I can tolerate. Arians kowtowed to Brady but treated other players like this:

The NFL fined Arians $50,000 for hitting a player, which reinforces my bias against him because… Goddammit. You just. Don’t. EVER hit folks you supervise, and never ever EVER in the workplace. Yeah, yeah; I can hear the ole testosterony “Ya wouln’t understand FITBAW CULCHER PUSSAY!1!11!

Uh…

[takes off glasses, breathes on lens, wipes them]

[puts glasses back on, folds wipe and places it on case, closes case, crosses leg]

Wrong! If someone swings at you, psht. Wherever you live, humble reader, The Street condones retorting by a total ass-whalin’. But swinging at your boss will get your fired AND probably get ya blacklisted in your industry. Every option is terrible for the employee (dignity… or work?), but enough pre-May Day agitprop. Bruce Arians did well as caretaker and ended up as a tyrant. At least he got top jobs, unlike Steve Wilks.

Steve Wilks replaced Arians at Arizona in 2018 and before the season ended, he was replaced by Kliff Kingsbury. The ‘Boids, infamously, gave Kingsbury an extension until 2027 and fired him in 2022. For all folks who must work for a living, like me: that’s four consecutive years of high compensation for doing whatever the hell you want to do: travel, develop projects, start a new career, or, my personal preference,

The winner in this story, of course, is KK’s agent—who was also Kyler’s agent, the one who initially signed off on the no-gaming contract. KKK bringing shit to Arizona? I never suspected.

In the meantime, Steve Wilks participated in the Brian Flores lawsuit against the NFL. He claimed in court the Cardinals hired him as a bridge coach. And because lawyers know that making arcane arguments is more profitable than pointing out the obvious: the lawsuit does not mention that Wilks was stuck with 10th overall, 2018 pick QB Josh Rosen. And so Lawyer DFO will continue to toil in obscurity, until the day legislatures pack the courts with judges who are overt NFL fans.

I don’t think Steve Wilks is a litigious fella, just a coach always overlooked. After the Keimening, in 2019 Wilks became the DC of the Freddie Kitchens Pauls. Fun Fact! Kitchens was caretaker OC the year before, after the Pauls fired Hue Jackson (Week 8). The 2018 Pauls finished 5-3, thus unleashing the Baker Mayfield overexposure, our age’s most gratuitous blight.

Wilks then was the DC of the University of Missouri in 2021, and a Carolina Panthers defensive coach under Matt Rhule in 2022. Wilks became caretaker of the 2022 Panthers, a team with no viable QB and who traded CMC as part of the Rhule fire and subsequent fumigation of the team facilities. Carolina finished 2022 at 7-10, but were 6-6 under Wilks. Steve Wilks is now the Niners DC, substituting DeMeco Ryans.

NFL NEWS

-Of course, the NFL draft was this weekend. According to reports, your team did awesome / WHY?!!. I’m in the latter camp because in 2022 the Titans WR room had less talent available than the Brian Jonestown Massacre after a fentanyl binge. Notable fact: all of the Tits’ pix were offensive players, including [googles] QB Will Levis. I liked what I saw: Levis got the Green Room 1st Round slight (crucial shoulder chip), but he’s an Academic All American and played in Kentucky while getting his masters degree. Objectively solid son-in-law credentials, if yer into normie shit, but I’ve been around the block already. Rhodes Scholar DB Myron Rolle did not contribute much to the Tits.

SPROTS TONITE

All times Central.

NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs

Ooo eee. A couple of Game 7s.

Panthers @ Bruins – 5:30

Kraken @ Avalanche – 8:30

Mood:

Via r/SeattleKraken + postimages

Grandes Ligas

Filis (Falter) @ Fokin Astros (Urquidy) – 6:00

 

Top Flight Fútbol

SECSI MECSI

Querétaro hosts Pachuca – 6:00

León hosts Tigres UANL – 8:05

EEUU – MLS

MinnesoUta United hosts FC Dallas – 8:00

 

ARGENTINA

Unión Santa Fe hosts Lanús – 5:30

Talleres (Córdoba) hosts Rosario Central – 6:30

 

COSTA RICA

Alajuelense hosts Puntarenas – 6:00

EL SALVADOR

Metapan hosts Santa Tecla – 6:30

GUATEMALA

Xinabajul hosts Coban Imperial – 6:00

 

COLOMBIA

América de Cali hosts Deportivo Cali – 6:20

Boyacá Chicó hosts Bucaramanga – 8:30

 

CHILE

Copiapó hosts Coquimbo Unido ‘ 7Ñ30

 

PERÚ

Carlos A. Mannucci hosts Unión Comercio – 7:00

ECUADOR

Delfín hosts El Nacional – 6:00

BOLIVIA

Jorge Wostermann hosts Atlxtico Palmaflor – 6:30

FINALLY,

a case of caretakin’ I like a lot. In 2004, the Giants sign Tom Coughlin (🖕🏼), get Eli Manning in the draft, and sign Kurt Warner. The Web says the 2004 Giants started 5-2 with Warner. Then, after two losses (5-4), Eli came in and the Jints finished 6-10. I remember two things: Warner not being good, which is wrong; and, Warner being pissed because he was signed under the pretense that he will compete for the QB Alpha Slot, the very nerve, but this turned out to be a tank job for the rookie-with-connections to get his legs.

Ok. I can believe Giants brass pitched this to Warner: you are The QB for 2004 and with you the whole team will give an earnest try for a playoff push.

C’mon. It’s utter flattery that has to be transparent to even the most naïve Jeebusbot. Neither the lie nor the liar is a problem. It’s clear to me; look at it as a long distance relationship. Eli, the fiancé, is abroad in Rooqbland, but Warner’s here now. Warner’s an Owl winner and former MVP and, as that era’s Jerry Springer Show proved repeatedly, “You’re never there!” is grounds for couples’ reshuffling. So you can believe that Warner’s understanding of the Giants pitch being: “Seduce me, thrill me with your overpowering arm and accept me as I am, warts and OLs, and I will forsake NFL royalty forever!”

It never happens that way, only in stories. But I’m fine with the outcome. Warner went to Arizonia in 2005 and, later, to the Owl against Pittsburgh: one of the most exciting events I’ve ever seen. What a game. Otherworldly athletics all around: Fitzgerald being unstoppable, the 98-yard TD return at the end of the first half, Santonio’s toe tap…

Out of the Giant’s caretaker stop, Warner went on to cement a Hall of Fame career out of the slight in Jersey. Which might be just me shoehorning an event into a theme. But this background makes me tolerate Eli Manning eventually getting in the Hall of Fame. Sure, 18-1 helps, but let’s be honest: Eli became the most approachable Manning That Matters. That’s how you take care of a legacy.

All NFL fact-y stuff via Wiki P. DM for search topics ($5 per character, deposit required)

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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Doktor Zymm

Ok, I should really go to bed instead of looking up 1940 census records to see who used to live in my Chicago apartment

Doktor Zymm

The rent was $45 per month in 1940!

WCS

Hey, but, adjusting for inflation that’s like $139 trillion today.

Gumbygirl

Did you ever make it to the breakfast buffet ?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The fuck? Why am I hearing birds singing? It’s not even midnight here.

Mr. Ayo

Well, everyone is still celebrating the ice Sox loss, so that might be it.

Horatio Cornblower

2:17 and probably time to go to bed. This will rock me to sleep.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imM_nkaCBGk

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Can I just say that I really love our online home?

Mr. Ayo

We can say a lot of things here, and that’s certainly one of them.

Gumbygirl

There’s no place like home…

https://youtu.be/zJ6VT7ciR1o

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

I don’t understand why X, nee Twitter, won’t allow edits but allows deletes. That’s an edit you fucking morons!

Mr. Ayo

Anyway, DK was replying to this tweet which is oddly cropped for no fucking reason.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh God we’re all fired.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I saw a performance of this the first time I took ecstacy. It left an impression.

Mr. Ayo

Wow. I forgot how unbearable YT is without ads blocked.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s been too long since I’ve been in an airplane.

BeefReeferLives

Has anyone mentioned “The Fifth Element” as far as sci-fi comedies?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s tough because so may sci-fi movies aren’t strictly comedies, but certainly include comedic elements.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Like My Science Project!

Horatio Cornblower

Jesus fucking Christ can you people not hold it together for 5 hours!?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The answer is clearly “no”.

Gumbygirl

It’s like herding cats.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t know that Billy Idol was underappreciated, so to speak. It’s more that he wasn’t *appropriately* appreciated. How many glam 80’s singers were fascinated with cyberpunk stuff?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lx2fZU5USus

Gumbygirl
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is a magnificent contribution. The video is just terrific.

Gumbygirl

It’s cool, isn’t it? I haven’t seen it in a long time myself, it just popped into my head.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Really cool.

BeefReeferLives

The Steelers throw Bruce Ariens a retirement party:

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Forbidden? Sounds more like a Vikings boat party.

BeefReeferLives

Boo. Image link fail.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I haven’t seen a link failure this bad since Andy Reid’s visit to Snow’s Barbecue and they ran out of sausages.

BeefReeferLives

“Please don’t make me retire. I never married and my dog is dead”

BeefReeferLives

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Mr. Ayo

This is the one for the Kraken fans tonite

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkcJEvMcnEg

Doktor Zymm

Old editions of the Chicago Day Book are kinda fascinating. Here are a few things that happened on Feb 8th, 1914. Seems like paying $350 to avoid prosecution for turkey theft is kind of a ripoff if they’re just going to publish what you did in the paper anyway

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WCS

What happened on June 28, 1914?

Doktor Zymm

It got a tiny headline, although the Polish language newspaper did run a full front page article with photos

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Gumbygirl

It’s oddly reassuring to see we’ve always been horrible.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Holy shit I forgot! Connor the Intern was (possibly) an alien!

https://doorfliesopen.com/2016/08/12/request-line-hi-fi-sci-fi/

Mr. Ayo

OMG! OMG!

Dallas is my new mortal enemy.

RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!!!

Horatio Cornblower

Settle down, Jackie Onassis.

Horatio Cornblower

Wasn’t the original Seattle franchise the Millionaires? Gonna goggle that and report back, but if so they really should have gone with that. I’m sure it would have played great with the current Pacific Northwest hot polloi.

Horatio Cornblower

Shit, it was the Seattle Metropolitans.

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Time to go find that jersey before next Xmas.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Speaking of Metropolitan, I forgot to draft Whit Stillman in the director’s draft. His movies were small potatoes but very special in their own ways.

Horatio Cornblower

Apparently the NHL owns the rights to the Metropolitans but has not put out a jersey. I am absolutely furious right now.

Mr. Ayo

They were the Pilots. And they won the first Stanley Cup.

Horatio Cornblower

Metropolitans won the first Stanley Cup, under truly bizarre rules.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seattle_Metropolitans#First_U.S._Stanley_Cup

Hurray for 1917, WWI, and the Spanish flu!

Mr. Ayo

Yeah, them. Very tactful way of letting me know I’m wrong. Don’t care though.

WOOOOOOOO KRAKEN!

Horatio Cornblower

I think the Pilots were a baseball team. Pretty sure they’re the current Brewers.

My mind works in mysterious ways.

Mr. Ayo

That’s right. Fuck bud Selig too.

ballsofsteelandfury

It was Vancouver that had the Millionaires. I have the cap.

Last edited 1 year ago by ballsofsteelandfury
Horatio Cornblower

I will pay good* money for that cap.

*Confederate

Gumbygirl

Wow, that is awesome. Congrats Mr. Ayo! And the defending champs losing to an expansion team, lol!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The spiraling shape will make you go insane…

But everyone wants to see that groovy thing!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

FUCK YEAH KRAKEN!

YOU LIKE THAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!

Sharkbait

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Sharkbait

Ayo!!!

WCS

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oh yeah Beetlejuice definitely counts as sci fi comedy

Horatio Cornblower

I was going to say it doesn’t, but I guess the DMV type waiting room probably throws it in to that category, doesn’t it?

Related, I’m drunk, and have to do manual labor tomorrow.

WCS

Hide the Ayo

Fronkenshteen

There has to be a completely insane viewing party in Seattle right now. Why aren’t they cutting to it at all?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It took them like five minutes to show a replay of the final goal in the Bruins-Panthers game. They are not good at broadcasting hockey.

Sharkbait

Bjorkstrand with another post. Unbelievable.

Mr. Ayo

He’s leaving with a moral hat trick.

WCS

And a trip to the Semis.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Dude, I’m gonna get fucking hammered and listen to sci-fi music. This is gonna be the shit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTTAPCUtbc8

Mr. Ayo

I’m about to text in out of the office tomorrow.

Assuming the clock starts working properly.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Major props to youtube for immediately following that with this. Not sci-fi but rocks.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjWd_7OzO84

Horatio Cornblower

You had me at ‘Hammered’

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Horatio Cornblower

In honor of the Bruins season ending:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcUXbk-koGE

Fronkenshteen

Oh, that 3-on-1…
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Sharkbait

In one minute on the East Coast:comment image

2Pack

Yeah

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Mr. Ayo

Pretty sure the clock is broken. It’s running way too slow right now.

Mr. Ayo

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LongtimeLionsLoser

The waiting IS the hardest part…

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Rikki, we’ve got a thread going on sci Fi comedies you forgot. Does Howard the Duck count?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m still here; it just got hidden behind the fold. Yeah, it absolutely counts.

Is the Rocky Horror Picture Show a comedy? Sort of.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If we’re not limiting it to movies, Red Dwarf and Futurama. If we *are* limiting it to movies, the Futurama movies.

Horatio Cornblower

Tomorrow’s mock draft is comedy, so keep your powder dry.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Way ahead of you.” – Ben Shapiro’s wife

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oooh earth girls are easy

Doktor Zymm

Would the Bill & Ted movies be sci fi? They’ve got time travel and robots

Horatio Cornblower

Absolutely

Sharkbait

I would think so

Doktor Zymm

And from a certain POV you could say Planet of the Apes is a comedy

BrettFavresColonoscopy

They would be, Miss Blair Witch

Dunstan

Life of Brian counts because of that weird scene with the alien spaceship.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Amazon Women on the Moon, sort of.

Fronkenshteen

Does “Brain Candy” count as Sci Fi?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Most definitely!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Just gave me an idea for my next song.

Doktor Zymm

I want to rewatch The World’s End now

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Check out this mixtape. I really love it. It’s possibly my favorite of the ones that Jack Feerick has done.

https://popdose.com/popdose-conceptual-theater-the-worlds-end/

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, again sort of.

BugEyedBoo

Mars Attacks.

Sharkbait

I always laugh at booing of obvious offside plays that are correctly overturned.

Horatio Cornblower

Hockey’s delayed offsides is absolutely the worst rule in sports.

Aside from the NFL rule about how vehicular homicide and spousal/child abuse is totes cool, of course.

Doktor Zymm

Ruggs isn’t in the NFL right now, although that’s probably only because he’s still awaiting trial. I think that’s supposed to be in a few days actually

Horatio Cornblower

He’s under house arrest because they can’t find a judge to hear his case, in part because the judge who was supposed to hear his case ran for election by saying how tough he’d be on Henry Ruggs and therefore was disqualified from hearing any case involving Henry Ruggs.

Mr. Ayo

That can’t be true. My esteem for lawyers and judges would be completely ruined learning this.

Horatio Cornblower

It is. I’m way too lazy, (drunk), to look it up now but I think I linked to the story in the last mock draft. Dead on actually real.

WCS

truly a Machiavellian smrtass

Doktor Zymm

See, shit like this is why I don’t believe a word I hear in SCOTUS confirmation hearings

BugEyedBoo

If you did before, you shouldn’t now.

WCS

That’s a kraken-sized VAR

Mr. Ayo

Oh Fuck yes. All the way offsides!

Doktor Zymm

They were interviewing a guy on the radio who wrote a book about Tim McVeigh’s links to right wing extremist movements, and he mentioned the ties between the Michigan Militia and the Gretchen Whitmer kidnapping plot so I’ve had the Moxy Fruvous song stuck in my head all day
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=deKRFMjQ5sY

Horatio Cornblower

Funny, I think of a completely different song

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Horatio Cornblower

Someone mentioned midnight down below and we’re sometime around it so here’s to tWBS, who is surely looking down, (OK, possibly up) at us and giving is the double bird.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYPoMjR6-Ao