Some Care for Caretakers: Offseason Sunday Open Thread

Back in 2012, when hotmail was a thing and Jeeves panhandled for questions, Chuck Pagano got his first head coaching job, with the Colts. Pagano hired Bruce Arians as Offensive Coordinator after the Steelers kicked Arians out and threw a gold watch towards the sidewalk. In Week 6 of the 2012 season, Pagano received a leukemia diagnosis which, at that time, was not subject to replay review. Arians stepped in as caretaker HC and the Clots were at 9-3 when Pagano returned. So dynamite caretaking, yes. That also turned into two successful additional HC stints for Bruce Arians.

From what I remember: the Arizona stint was notable for that wtf! Carson Palmer season. Two things stand out about the 2015 Birdcano: for, like, four weeks straight Arizona played on prime time (twice by flex IIRC). The other thing I remember was Palmer being worse than Andy Dalton in postseason play.

The time in Tampa [spits on floor]. Not because of Brady, whom I can tolerate. Arians kowtowed to Brady but treated other players like this:

The NFL fined Arians $50,000 for hitting a player, which reinforces my bias against him because… Goddammit. You just. Don’t. EVER hit folks you supervise, and never ever EVER in the workplace. Yeah, yeah; I can hear the ole testosterony “Ya wouln’t understand FITBAW CULCHER PUSSAY!1!11!

Uh…

[takes off glasses, breathes on lens, wipes them]

[puts glasses back on, folds wipe and places it on case, closes case, crosses leg]

Wrong! If someone swings at you, psht. Wherever you live, humble reader, The Street condones retorting by a total ass-whalin’. But swinging at your boss will get your fired AND probably get ya blacklisted in your industry. Every option is terrible for the employee (dignity… or work?), but enough pre-May Day agitprop. Bruce Arians did well as caretaker and ended up as a tyrant. At least he got top jobs, unlike Steve Wilks.

Steve Wilks replaced Arians at Arizona in 2018 and before the season ended, he was replaced by Kliff Kingsbury. The ‘Boids, infamously, gave Kingsbury an extension until 2027 and fired him in 2022. For all folks who must work for a living, like me: that’s four consecutive years of high compensation for doing whatever the hell you want to do: travel, develop projects, start a new career, or, my personal preference,

The winner in this story, of course, is KK’s agent—who was also Kyler’s agent, the one who initially signed off on the no-gaming contract. KKK bringing shit to Arizona? I never suspected.

In the meantime, Steve Wilks participated in the Brian Flores lawsuit against the NFL. He claimed in court the Cardinals hired him as a bridge coach. And because lawyers know that making arcane arguments is more profitable than pointing out the obvious: the lawsuit does not mention that Wilks was stuck with 10^th overall, 2018 pick QB Josh Rosen. And so Lawyer DFO will continue to toil in obscurity, until the day legislatures pack the courts with judges who are overt NFL fans.

I don’t think Steve Wilks is a litigious fella, just a coach always overlooked. After the Keimening, in 2019 Wilks became the DC of the Freddie Kitchens Pauls. Fun Fact! Kitchens was caretaker OC the year before, after the Pauls fired Hue Jackson (Week 8). The 2018 Pauls finished 5-3, thus unleashing the Baker Mayfield overexposure, our age’s most gratuitous blight.

Wilks then was the DC of the University of Missouri in 2021, and a Carolina Panthers defensive coach under Matt Rhule in 2022. Wilks became caretaker of the 2022 Panthers, a team with no viable QB and who traded CMC as part of the Rhule fire and subsequent fumigation of the team facilities. Carolina finished 2022 at 7-10, but were 6-6 under Wilks. Steve Wilks is now the Niners DC, substituting DeMeco Ryans.

NFL NEWS

-Of course, the NFL draft was this weekend. According to reports, your team did awesome / WHY?!!. I’m in the latter camp because in 2022 the Titans WR room had less talent available than the Brian Jonestown Massacre after a fentanyl binge. Notable fact: all of the Tits’ pix were offensive players, including [googles] QB Will Levis. I liked what I saw: Levis got the Green Room 1^st Round slight (crucial shoulder chip), but he’s an Academic All American and played in Kentucky while getting his masters degree. Objectively solid son-in-law credentials, if yer into normie shit, but I’ve been around the block already. Rhodes Scholar DB Myron Rolle did not contribute much to the Tits.

SPROTS TONITE

All times Central.

NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs

Ooo eee. A couple of Game 7s.

Panthers @ Bruins – 5:30

Kraken @ Avalanche – 8:30

Mood:

Via r/SeattleKraken + postimages

Grandes Ligas

Filis (Falter) @ Fokin Astros (Urquidy) – 6:00

Top Flight Fútbol

SECSI MECSI

Querétaro hosts Pachuca – 6:00

León hosts Tigres UANL – 8:05

EEUU – MLS

MinnesoUta United hosts FC Dallas – 8:00

ARGENTINA

Unión Santa Fe hosts Lanús – 5:30

Talleres (Córdoba) hosts Rosario Central – 6:30

COSTA RICA

Alajuelense hosts Puntarenas – 6:00

EL SALVADOR

Metapan hosts Santa Tecla – 6:30

GUATEMALA

Xinabajul hosts Coban Imperial – 6:00

COLOMBIA

América de Cali hosts Deportivo Cali – 6:20

Boyacá Chicó hosts Bucaramanga – 8:30

CHILE

Copiapó hosts Coquimbo Unido ‘ 7Ñ30

PERÚ

Carlos A. Mannucci hosts Unión Comercio – 7:00

ECUADOR

Delfín hosts El Nacional – 6:00

BOLIVIA

Jorge Wostermann hosts Atlxtico Palmaflor – 6:30

FINALLY,

a case of caretakin’ I like a lot. In 2004, the Giants sign Tom Coughlin (🖕🏼), get Eli Manning in the draft, and sign Kurt Warner. The Web says the 2004 Giants started 5-2 with Warner. Then, after two losses (5-4), Eli came in and the Jints finished 6-10. I remember two things: Warner not being good, which is wrong; and, Warner being pissed because he was signed under the pretense that he will compete for the QB Alpha Slot, the very nerve, but this turned out to be a tank job for the rookie-with-connections to get his legs.

Ok. I can believe Giants brass pitched this to Warner: you are The QB for 2004 and with you the whole team will give an earnest try for a playoff push.

C’mon. It’s utter flattery that has to be transparent to even the most naïve Jeebusbot. Neither the lie nor the liar is a problem. It’s clear to me; look at it as a long distance relationship. Eli, the fiancé, is abroad in Rooqbland, but Warner’s here now. Warner’s an Owl winner and former MVP and, as that era’s Jerry Springer Show proved repeatedly, “You’re never there!” is grounds for couples’ reshuffling. So you can believe that Warner’s understanding of the Giants pitch being: “Seduce me, thrill me with your overpowering arm and accept me as I am, warts and OLs, and I will forsake NFL royalty forever!”

It never happens that way, only in stories. But I’m fine with the outcome. Warner went to Arizonia in 2005 and, later, to the Owl against Pittsburgh: one of the most exciting events I’ve ever seen. What a game. Otherworldly athletics all around: Fitzgerald being unstoppable, the 98-yard TD return at the end of the first half, Santonio’s toe tap…

Out of the Giant’s caretaker stop, Warner went on to cement a Hall of Fame career out of the slight in Jersey. Which might be just me shoehorning an event into a theme. But this background makes me tolerate Eli Manning eventually getting in the Hall of Fame. Sure, 18-1 helps, but let’s be honest: Eli became the most approachable Manning That Matters. That’s how you take care of a legacy.

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