INT. FIRST ENERGY STADIUM PRESS ROOM

A group of reporters fill the chairs before an empty speakers table. Members of the Browns press corps are somberly discussing the game and comparing notes for their morning columns  They hush themselves and begin turning on their recording devices and scribbling on their notepads as Browns Coach Hue Jackson enters the room and has a seat at the microphone. As he has done each of the previous ten games, he takes a breath and prepares to answer questions about his teams loss.

Mary Kay Cabot: Coach, with this loss today, the Browns are now mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. I’m sure we will have some follow up questions about how that will effect your coaching decision in the last five games but I’d like to know, right now, how is this reality coming from the guys in the locker room?

Hue Jackson: The FUCK should I know? I’m a winner, Mandy. This shit about being done in November isn’t my style. Playoff preparation has always been my excuse to skip Thanksgiving. I ain’t got that this year! I’m gonna be stuck blanching potatoes and unstringing string beans. Do I look like a guy who should be fucking unstringing anything?

Cabot: No Coach, of course not. I wasn’t suggesting either that —

Jackson: No. No I am not. Now, as far as the locker room goes, it sucks. Most of these guys — hell, most guys in the NFL — have been winners their whole lives. They were the best players in their cities in high school. They starred on their teams for three years in college. Now, it’s a rough transition to win nothing in the NFL.

Cabot: So you’re just kind of ignoring the record and moving forward?

Jackson: My job is to try to win every game. I do that, each week, regardless of the record. The locker room stuff — that’s outside of my scope. And, you know, I’ll just be honest with you here, I haven’t loved many of the moves Paul has made. He did bring me in a veteran who can handle the locker room today though. You see, I understand what these men are going through but I don’t really know. I’m part of this rebuild and I know I’m safe. Those players know that some of them aren’t and I know more than a few of them are wondering how they’re going to be playing next year when they’re without a win this year. It’s hard. Emotions are hard. So that’s why I appreciate that we have an experienced pro running a players-only meeting after today’s game.

— Meanwhile in the Locker Room —

Hillary Clinton: Well, hello team. And thank you for inviting me to speak to you at this time. As someone uniquely qualified to comment on our teams current post-season possibilities, I wanted to start by —

Cody Kessler: [Interrupting from the back of the crowd] I’m sorry but didn’t you just get signed from the practice squad since the game ended?

Clinton: Shut up! You shut up! This is my team! This has always been my team! You know why I’m up here? It’s my turn! Because Jimmy and Paul and Hue know I’m the woman for this job. There’s no need for conversation. There’s no need for your input. I’m the most qualified person in history to represent the Browns locker room, do you understand?

Robert Griffin III: Actually, we elected team captains at the beginning of the season. Along with me there are —

Clinton: You weren’t even a Brown until a few months ago! You can’t sign on for a single season, electrify the fan base, and then act like you’re the leader! This is a business and money talks so sit down you super….guy. You super guy, you. [Forces weak smile.]

Griffin III: [Gently sits down on beanbag chair. Knee explodes.]

Clinton: Now then. I’m speaking to you all because, with today’s results, it is time for us to officially concede the AFC playoffs to the remaining conference teams. And so, with that, I want to congratulate Ben Roethlisberger on becoming the winningest quarterback in the history of First Energy Stadium.

Kessler: Not a surprise. You’ve had trouble defeating big white men who treat women like sex objects.

Clinton: [stares at Kessler] Everyone look up front here. Everyone, please. Right up here. Does every see my eyes? Everyone? Right here now.

[Three gunshots ring out from the back of the back of the locker room. The group looks back to see Kessler slouched on the floor, bleeding from his chest, head, and throat.]

Clinton: Suicide. Tragic. [Shivers with excitement] Now, as I was saying, the tables this season have not gone our way. We’ve been close in games with the Titans, Jets, and Dolphins but, as only one stat matters, we have been awarded zero wins thus far. Will we end the season 0 and All? I’ve been asked to speak you today because, you know, we may very well.

And, while we will not break that hardest highest ceiling this season — a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl Championship — I know that with each shattering of one of our quarterbacks rotator cuffs, we are shattering one more truss in that ceiling. We have five meaningless games remaining. Five games worth of beatings that will cost your careers three or four seasons and your lives 12 to 16 years.

I remain hopeful.

I remain hopeful because, in 1998 when I was in the White House working on the Children’s Health Insurance Progr — fuck, it doesn’t really matter anymore. Point is, this city didn’t even have a team to challenge the Jets — to challenge anyone — in 1998. So we’ve started at the absolute bottom and this season shows we’ve always got more fight ahead of us. We’ve fought this far. We will fight on. The Cleveland Browns Fight Song, everyone, now THIS IS MY FIGHT SONG.

[Fight Song begins playing]

Now, I’ve gone across this country speaking to many different teams from many different markets. Work is never done. It’s a battle to get that first win — and we will. It’s a battle to get to .500, we won’t do that this year. It’s more battles to make the playoffs, win those games, and then take home a title. And what awaits you at the top? Next year’s battles. An overextended sports media landscape that needs to compare you to teams past. Winning, a curse many of you have not have the luxury of suffering, is not always the optimal outcome.

Be still, my friends, for we can all rest our heads tonight knowing that lucrative summer football camps await us all in the future. Alright now! All hands in!

1…2…3!