Instant (Mid-Morning) Hippo Thoughts – Week 11, 2016

First of all – fuck the world, and fuck humanity. Extinction is coming, and we will totes deserve it. Until that sweet day of reckoning, onto the games.

Second of all…I forgot to check for fill-in columns first. Oopsie. So apologies for duplicative #content.

Everyone missed almost every extra point (seemingly), but it really only mattered in the Buffalo/Cincy game, where the back-to-back Bungle misses meant the game ended in a sad Red Rocket Hail Mary attempt instead of a FG try, in a 16-12 home defeat. The bigger news is that AJ Green died, so congrats on that division title, winner of 2nd Yinzburgh/Balmer game.

Le’Veon Bell basically used the city of Cleveland for toilet paper, and Coach Tomlin proved he still understands math and leverage to the consternation of Tier C announcing crews. Cody Kessler died again.

Balmer predictably lost on the road, mostly containing Zeke and forcing DAK! to beat them, which DAK! did. It’s almost like this fella might be good or something.

Continuing with predictability, and segueing into the NFC East, the Iggles continued to suck on the road. Russell Wilson had just enough nanobubbles to power his way to 26 points, which was enough to win comfortably and stay on track to lose to Dallas in the NFC title game.

The Giants? Predictably won at home, despite Robbie Gould’s (another double misser) best attempts to throw the game to his former homeys. EVERYTHING IS A CONSPIRACY. John Fox keeps giving way too few touches to Jordan Howard, and Catler’s TE is now also dead (to add to the suspended Alshon).

My money league foe started Fat Stafford (over DAK!, huzzah) and I swear to fuck he had all 280ish of his passing yards in the 4th quarter. Jaguras did their typical Jagura things. Lions may actually win the North. /Caldwell blinks TWICE

The Titans lost to the Colts again, coming up short on 4th and 2 late and never getting the ball back. I think it’s bad Karma for chicken-shittishly kicking a FG with 12 minutes left, down 7, 4th and 2 at the 29. NOT winning football. The game’s momentum completely flipped back to Indy, where it remained.

FINALLY, somebody beat Kansas City in one of those chucklefuck games where they are behind in the 4th quarter (usually by 2 scores), have no business coming back, but the opponent takes the boot of their neck. Tampa gave up a late TD to cut the lead to 19-17, but moved the ball JUST enough to effectively kill the game off.

Minnesota finally staunched the bleeding and got a win, and all it took was TWO D/ST scores! Lather, rinse, repeat, yeah? Arizona is done, too bad given they have probably the best single skill player in the NFC.

Fuck the P*triots. Chip Kelly can join their human centipede, though.

The late window featured an epic showdown of terrible quartered backing. TannyFanny has consistently proven he has no business leading an NFL franchise, not that anyone in Miami has noticed. But Jesus…Jared Goff. The package of plays they had for THIS ASSHOLE. “Protecting” and “hiding” are too mild by a factor of about 10. This guy is SHIT. After Miami somehow backed into 2 late TDs and a 14-10 lead, Goff had to attempt a few passes over 8 yards in length. Quack, quack, quack. #1 overall pick, my hairy white ass. Watching the LA sports malaise set in for him/this franchise will be delightful. INTERNET DAD IS AVENGED!!

There was also a Sunday night game, but I paid almost no attention. Wisconsin is now a state that, in my mind, can eat ALL THE ASS, and the Redacteds are the Redacteds. Plus I had an NC State basketball loss to follow and an article to type up. LET YOUR IMAGINATIONS RUN WILD, THROUGH BOUNTIFUL FIELDS OF CLOVER.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brocky

Unrelated to the weekend, something has always oddly bothered me about this column every week, and I think I’ve finally figured it out.

The personalities of Peter Potomas and Punch-Out’s King Hippo are drastically different, and when I see hippo using the image of both interchangeably, they leave a mixed impression.

I.E. is hippo annoyed in a highly combative manner, or is he realistically justified in his annoyances, just simply exaggerating the actual amount of distress he feels.

Thsee are the thoughts one comes up with while spending productive time at work

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I use the different hippos as a fluid mix of personality traits to fit my hippo needs at the time.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Peter Potamus, to me, is the embodiment of two primal human desires: 1. To have illicit sex on your desk at work, and 2. To know whether you did (or did not) receive that thing which was sent. I’d like to think King Hippo shares these basic drives.

...

I spent nearly all of today reading threads on FlyerTalk about whether the MasterCard and Visa exchange rates on international purchases were the same. 27 pages of comments!

litre_cola

Well?

...

If all else is equal, use a MasterCard. It seems to follow market rates whereas Visa will run ~1% higher.

litre_cola

I thank you for your effort. Good hustle…at work.

/slaps ass

Unsurprised

“Wisconsin is now a state that, in my mind, can eat ALL THE ASS”

What the fuck took you so long?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Presumably he was waiting for them to finish eating all the cheese.

Unsurprised

No, you spread the cheese on the ass.

Senor Weaselo

Ass cheese, also known as the scent at the 53rd and Lex subway station mezzanine.

Doktor Zymm

Goff being the #1 pick just goes to show that any one here could be an NFL talent scout.

Also, I was the perfect amount of still drunk for the second half of the night game to get MAXIMUM ENJOYMENT out of that game. The NFC is hilarious this year.

Unsurprised

Bullshit. We have senses that work but aren’t related to anyone currently in the league.

Shogun Marcus

I will be quite happy to dole out all the ass-helpings to my fellow citizens on our behalf. These people don’t deserve having their best interests fought for.

ballsofsteelandfury

Nice to have you back, Hippo!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You could go with “I like my coffee the way I like my Cleveland Browns quarterbacks: creamed.”

ballsofsteelandfury

Isn’t that my women?

Unsurprised

Cold?

ThursdaySkyGoddess
...

You could also go with “I like my coffee the way I like my Cleveland Browns quarterbacks: numerous and easy to dump.”

Unsurprised

Pfft. The only reason to drink coffee is if it’s going to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule me LIKE A KING.

...

It was a sobering moment to realize that we are actually living that Simpsons episode now but without Bart and Lisa to save us.

Unsurprised

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Also, Hippo, if you’re genuinely concerned with the future of intelligent life on the planet, just tell yourself that all the damage we’re doing is going to simply expand the habitat available to both dolphins and giant squid. They’re both just playing the long game and waiting us out. Plus squid seem like they would adapt much better to living in outer space.

LemonJello

I, for one, welcome our new Giant Squid/Dolphin overlords.

Senor Weaselo

As long as they don’t go full Snorky on us I guess it can’t be worse than the next four years.

...

Yeah, well if Dolphins are so smart, why do they think Ryan Tannehill is a franchise quarterback?

And why can’t they invent opposable thumbs? YOU CAN’T THROW A FOOTBALL WITHOUT AN OPPOSABLE THUMB.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That sounds like something Herm Edwards would say when asked about his thoughts on the Thalidomide disaster.

LemonJello

Maybe the Miami team is known as the [REDACTEDS] to the various species of dolphins?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

“We are deeply insulted by this team choosing to use us and our heritage as their mascot. We are aquatic mammals with relatively poor eyesight, but even we could see Jay Fiedler was not a viable starter.” -Q’zzt “Flipper” Zss’eef, Spokesdolphin, Dolphin Anti-Defamation Pod

LemonJello

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JerBear50

So long and thanks for all the picks.

Cuntler

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I have a friend (from LA so justified?) telling me Goff looked decent and that it was shitty weather and a crappy game plan and just to give him some time.

BAHAHAHAHAHHA

ballsofsteelandfury

It was all Fisher. The game plan was awful.

LemonJello

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Unsurprised

Somehow that only ever seems to protect HIS ass.

But otherwise that is a perfect metaphor.

LemonJello

He puts the “me” in TEAM.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s is ALWAYS best to judge someone completely on their first game; that is just the smart thing to do.

Sharkbait

Did we just witness an attempted Bledsoe-ing by balls, only to then get Bledsoe-d himself?

laserguru

I think Balls was just making sure we had Monday morning content.

Welcome back Mr Hippo.
Glad to see you.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I haven’t seen such a thorough Bled’soe-ing of Balls since my vasectomy.

Don T

Hooray for extinction! I mean Hippo Thoughts. Hippo Thoughts! Yeah.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am so amazed that TAMPA is the first team to finally avoided tripping over their own shoelaces and gifting the Chiefs another win.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

My FF team lost Miller, Jeffery, Bernard and fucking AJ Green in a week. so I am fucked

litre_cola

Oh my, that is season over I would think.

LemonJello

Good job, King Hippo.

BRING BACK BALLSOFSTEELANDFURY!

scotchnaut

Finally, I get a joke on this site.