INT. TUESDAY MATINEE MOVIE THEATER
A handful of viewers are individually peppered about the seats in the dark theater as previews for a Star Wars film, a romantic comedy starring Amy Adams, and a remake of Ghostbusters with Legos end. One viewer has been mumbling to himself throughout the previews and snickering at his own comments. He pauses as he hears the theater doors slam closed and sticky footsteps approach his seat.
BALLS OF STEEL: [Loudly whispering from the bottom of the seats to the top of the theater] Blax? Blax? You up there?
blaxabbath: [in a calm voice from right next to BALLS] Yeah man. Have a seat. You’re late; previews have just ended and we got a lot to cover.
BALLS: [taking a seat and pulling out a notepad and voice recorder] Why couldn’t we just meet in the lobby? I feel weird ordering two combo meals by myself.
blaxabbath: [uninterested] Oh cuz I’m weird. Don’t want to know people; don’t want people to know me. Real flawed human being, truthfully. So, see how the opening here shows the game is a production of the National Football League? That might be a softball for someone wanting to make a riff about how that guarantees four hours of beer and Viagra commercials interrupted by missed kicks and incorrectly called penalties.
BALLS: [scribbling in the darkness] So should I do this first part where Terry and JB are laughing about something with Howie and Boomer?
blaxabbath: What the fuck is funny about that?
BALLS: Terry has that laugh though. Hear him? It’s infectious. It’s making me giggle.
blaxabbath: Quotables doesn’t have sound. It’s a visual thing. Now, if you’re going to be taking this over while I’m on my honeymoon, I can’t have you worrying about sound, smell, taste, or touch.
BALLS: Oh! But there! Where the kick got missed! That’s a good highlight to serve up, right?
blaxabbath: Dude, there are as many missed kicks as there are legal quarterback hits anymore. That said, if that were Tebow shanking an XP, we’d be gold. Xbox Gold.
BALLS: [Continuing to scribble] So your email mentioned minimizing Patriots appearances. Is that because their rub routes don’t make for solid riff #content?
blaxabbath: I just hate their fan base. And Quotables, while oftentimes producing very mean and poor-spirited comments, isn’t about hate. Hate, frankly, isn’t funny. That’s why I like to roll out the lovable and non-threatening Dolphins, Rams, and Jets.
BALLS: So Terrance West knocking over that defender on that touchdown run. I could be like, “That’s GOTTA hurt!”
blaxabbath: Well….sort of. But look closer. See him doing the Dez Bryant celebration after a score? X’s mom is a whore, you know, so that could be a joke. Just make sure you get a good angle. With all the Millennials on the internet anymore, anything longer than a few seconds is just gonna send our traffic back to the old site. And if there is one thing DTZM hates more than getting sued, it’s Upr — [interrupted by the individual turning around in front of them]
DARKEST TIMELINE ZACH MORRIS: Would you two shut up and just get on with Week 11 Submissions please? It’s posting fucking gifs to a blog. We do it in every post and like 50 times in every comment section. You need a gif? Call Moose. You need formatting help, call RTD. Balls, stop being so old. blax, get the fuck off your high horse or I’ll ban your ass. [Turns back around and loudly slurps his soda.]
blaxabbath: [Leans over to BALLS and whispers] See? Dude HATES them. Oh — better make a copy of those note for twbs, too.
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Pictured: Drew Magary’s fan hood in one .gif
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“Goddammit Marquise, yeah, ‘new kicks,’ we all got it. It wasn’t fucking funny last week either.”
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“So, I guess this is just how it’s going to go in Washington now that Trump’s been elected.”
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Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance!
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Now I know the real reason my Mom moved from Berkeley to Oakland in 1981. It wasn’t the 18 assholes yelling, “How can you bring a child into this world.” She just didn’t want me to have any desire to root for Goff. And also, she thought Raiders fans were better people.
Need…. to… check…. deductible…..
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“I wonder if one of Lindsey Vonn’s handjobs will make the ringing in my head go away?”
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“Oh, so THAT’S what why my nickname in the locker room is “Abortles Clinic”
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I think we’re going to need a better QB.
http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/9q3H7HNpNlrPO.gif?resize=480%2C480
This should have been the second image.
http://dailysnark.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Screen-Shot-2016-03-25-at-10.43.23-PM.png
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They call him a “sound” guy but I’d say his tackle fundamentals are weak at best.
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If only the lyrics had been Jump Off.
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“Roughing the passer is a call Cam will never get, as long as I’m in this league.”
For the Vikings clip
And with this collision, Thor Humperdicknal becomes the only Minnesotian who ever got this close to a black guy on purpose.
Goff: “Spread them cheeks, rook”
http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/k4hsr0mw4f0YM.gif
I mean, it’s cool and all, but when you pay $500 for a “Mexican Spearing,” you expect it to be delivered by a Madam.
That was a beautiful thing….. then I got to the Snyder gif and all was ruined.
Just like everything else that falls within his orbit
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I slacked off for THIS?!
“I jacked off to this.”
— Charles Haley
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“Oh, dontcha’ know this exact thing happened last night comin’ back with Cheryl from the fish fry at the Elks Lodge. Ten pointer if’n he was anything, too. Darn shame, that.”
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If he dies, he dies.
Oh, he ded.
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Can you hear me now?
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“Word to your moms, I came to drop bombs, I got more rhymes than the bible’s got Psalms.”
Alternate:
“THIS DAN SNYDER, I CALL AN ALABAMA FAMILY REUNION BECAUSE HE REALLY WANTS TO FUCK COUSINS.”
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“I don’t remember that hit.”
-Trent Green
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“I think I pissed myself. Yep. Sure did. Is it showing through my pants?”
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“If his arm was this much shorter, I would’ve been clear.”
“Green Bay Packers wide receiver Jordy Nelson makes a touchdown reception against the Washington [*Redacted] s.”
Touchdown Seahawks!
Re: Nelson
“Indigenous peoples are robbed by outside arbitrators in negotiations with Wisconsin shipping magnates, circa 1857”
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Their verticals are so impressive because of the thinner air at that altitude.
Bortles : “I think there has been a serious misunderstanding on my part regarding the word ‘football.'”
Damn, I’ve got my work cut out for me!
/ checks notes
// drinks bourbon
/// tries to hide boner from watching Steelers hit on Browns QB.
Flaunt it. That fucker was beautiful
I mean, when you look at it objectively, causing him to forget he was ever QB for the Cleveland Browns is rather merciful, no?
He also forgot his name, AOL password and where he parked his car.