Ext. VIRGINIA MASON ATHLETIC CENTER (VMAC) – Renton, WA

Ext. A third floor conference room. Two people sit at a large table. A plethora of coloured folders scatter the table about them.

Pete Carroll: (on the telephone) … and that’s why I got invited to Mar-a-lago twice. He wanted to know how I figured the Patriots hacked our helmet mic’s, and I filled him in on how George Bush got the thermite into Trump Tower. Okay, love you too. Bye Mom.

Well Tom. Now that the combine’s over, do you have any opening thoughts on player personnel? Did you see anyone who might fit our O-line?

Tom Cable: Sweet fucking Christ, Pete! I just sat down! Why the fuck do you have to get on me already?!

PC: Now Tom, remember what we talked about? The language?

TC: “Every fuck costs a buck.” Reminds me of Thailand!

PC: It’s important we get that locked down early, before pre-season starts and I have to worry about HR and their damned seminars.

TC: Okay boss. I’ll try.

Both men get up & make for the exit.

PC: Good. Don’t forget, the jar comes out April 2. I don’t want you to think I’m kidding.

TC: Gotcha boss. Now, what’s on the agenda today?

Both men leave the building and enter the parking area.

PC: Well, John (Schneider, the GM) wanted to go over our proposed draft order. He wants to nail down our priorities going into the first pick. I figured we’d meet him as he arrived, which should be just about…

[PARKING LOT FLIES OPEN]

PC: …now.

TC: JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE FUCK?!

PC: Tom…language, please.

TC: FOR FUCK’S SAKE, PETE! WE NEARLY DIED!

PC: But we’re outside. People can hear you. Mic’s are everywhere. Don’t want the press to get the wrong idea.

TC: (muttering) wrong idea. Throwing on second-and-one was a wrong idea…

GM John Schneider: HOW YA DOIN’ BOYS?!

TC: (muttering) fucking pretty boy. Doin’ fine there boss!

PC: Hi John. Tom and I figured we’d get some air before the three of us sat down to discuss where we should look for O-line support this year. What are your thoughts John?

JS: Glad you asked, Pete. I’ve got some interesting leads. First, I want to send Chris (Carlisle, Strength coach) out to Happy Valley. They’ve got some real beef we could use on the line.

TC: But Mr. Schneider, we don’t have anyone from Molest U on our board.

JS: (ignoring Tom Cable) You see, Pete, they just won the NCAA D-1 Wrestling title. Watched it during St. Patrick’s Day weekend, after giving Mrs. Schneider the ol’ shillelagh. HO HO HO!!! (slaps Pete Carroll hard on the back.) This kid, Bo Nickal – great name – won the 184-pound weight class. Was lethal in the clinch. I think he’d be perfect at Guard.

TC: 184?! JESUS FU…. WEPT! I …

PC: I got this Tom; by the way, good catch on the language. Now John, I understand your fondness for choosing position players from non-traditional sports. It does help, given our precarious 27th place salary-cap position. But do you think a wrestler, and one not Hulk Hogan sized, will be able to handle the rigors of an NFL offensive line?

JS: C’mon Pete. You’re killing me here. Are you saying you can’t turn a wrestler into a football player? I grew up on stories about guys like Ernie Ladd and Wahoo McDaniels. They were great!

PC: Now John, those guys played football first, then transitioned into wrestling. I think the last guy who tried it the other way around was … Tom?

TC: BROCK LESNAR!

PC: Right. That didn’t go so well.

TC: DIDN’T GET OUT OF PRE-SEASON!

PC: Maybe take it down a notch there, Tom.

TC: SUPLEX CITY, BABY!

PC: And I recall he already weighed 300 pounds. This kid you mention –

TC: SOUNDS LIKE A SANDUSKY VICTIM!

PC: – seems a tad…light for an offensive lineman. (to Tom Cable) Seriously, Tom, about half that intensity.

TC: Sorry Pete. Kinda excited for Wrestlemania this Sunday.

JS: Dammit Pete, that’s what training camp is for. Beef the kid up! Feed him some cheese! Teach him to plant! Why the hell do we have so many coaches then, if we can’t coach guys how we need them? What’s the weight room for, if not to bulk up the boys?

PC: John, remember? Half those people are sports therapists, not just coaches. Have you met some of the guys on our defence? Great players, but fragile egos.

TC: FUCKING PUSSIES! THAT’S WHAT THEY ARE!!

PC: Yup – Tom, that’s gonna be a dollar. I can’t let them all go.

TC: Aww… c’mon Pete. It’s not even April yet. (Leaves conversation, kicking imaginary rocks across the parking lot.)

PC: John, we need guys who are ready to step in. Do you recall how we almost got Russ killed early last season?

JS: He was too busy thinking about sex to focus on the game?

PC: Maybe, but the point was he still had to run for his life a good part of the first four games.

TC: (from across the parking lot) LIKE A F– (**passing rig honks horn at seeing Pete Carroll**)

PC: (waving to rig) THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT, BUDDY! (to Tom) Dammit, that’s three dollars, Tom! You’re not on the Raiders anymore. And before you ask, you can’t use “Queer” either. There’s parades and everything now.

JS: (acknowledges Tom Cable for the first time) Who do you think buys the pink jerseys? Not women! (clears throat; deepens voice; points finger at Cable) Paul Allen is not Jerry Richardson; he cares what people think of him. Why do you think he reads our emails? We don’t use Windows 10 for the convenience! Now, go sit in your car until the grown-ups are done talking!

PC: (whispers to himself) Did he say Mr. Allen reads our emails?

Tom Cable shuffles towards a 2003 Pontiac Aztek, kicking the asphalt & muttering curse words.

JS: Okay Pete, we’ll play it your way. “Draft the position”. Novel idea. So what do you have in mind?

PC: Let’s get together next week, I’ve got some ideas…

TO BE CONTINUED