Dictatorial Proclamations for a More Glorious NFL

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

These are tough times for our quasi-beloved NFL. Well, as tough as they can be for a mutli-gazillion dollar empire that basically prints its own currency, and runs 4 or 5 major television networks. Tough times that call for tough leadership…a man of steel, perhaps? Da?

“Uncle Joe” Stalin in many respects, would be an ideal choice to bring forth rivers of blood for the Proletariat. Who better to assemble a group of allies (spits, unholy alliance with CAPITAL) to ascend to power, then systematically gut them one by one with a smile on his face? Like THE BEN would say, THAT’S OUR COMMISH UNCLE JOE, HARF HARF! Our modern times would be more of a mixed bag, though. For example, he would fucking LOVE Photoshop. Twitter…could probably do without.

I have always wondered if certain aspects of my personal life’s Karma have their genesis in being one of Stalin’s key advisers in a past life, so it’s only fair that I advise him in professional footballing matters. Our manifesto for Glorious Path Forward is as follows:

1) The regular season shall expand to 17 games, and no further. This serves multiple goals. It splits the baby between the current 16 and lusted-for 18 by ownership. It gives the fat cats a false sense of security in the new regime (hee hee). But the reasoning has broader appeal. Game 17 will be outside the normal rotating schedule protocol, and it will be one of the weird neutral site non-traditional kickoff time games. That means EVERYBODY HAS TO FUCKING PLAY ONE, and NOBODY gives up a home game because they have a shitty owner. It also ensures there will be at least one bonus game for the people, almost every week. The nerds in the scheduling office figure out how to make this optimally pleasing, or straight to Gulag. More good stuff – NO MORE (absent the uber-rare tie) fucking .500 teams. Be a goddamned winner or a loser, already.

2) The playoffs will stay at 6 teams per conference. Each time an owner brings playoff expansion up for a vote? Straight to Gulag. Eventually they will take the hint. People are more attuned to subtlety than you expect, even in America.

3) NFL roster size shall expand to 60, and no more game-day inactives. That’s right, Workers must be compensated for extra game on schedule. There is no good reason why teams can’t carry adequate depth for players to get reasonable amounts of rest, or to come off the field to be properly treated and not exacerbate injuries. Plus, it’s better for the fans. Too many times, we hear about how a play-making slot receiver or third down back can’t make the final roster, because he can’t play special teams. Or you can’t keep a guy around who’s capable of kicking a 75-yard FG. I want to see more explosive and entropy-filled plays. Let’s bring as much creativity into the game as possible.

4) No more “drugs of abuse” testing whatsoever. If these guys want to get fucking high on their own time, it’s none of your fucking business. The same applies to the government and the governed at large, but that’s another Konversation for another day. Anything else just creates more problems than it solves. Spend the money you save on ACTUAL, effective treatment for active AND RETIRED players who want and need help.

5) The Pro Bowl shall be replaced by The Toilet Bowl. The worst two teams shall compete in an actual, full-contact game during the Super Bowl “dead week.” The winner of the Toilet Bowl gets the first overall pick in each round of the draft. The loser shall pick 32nd. Bet that stops tanking, yes? This is as close to European footy-style relegation as we can get, sadly. Or as Uncle Joe would prefer, feeding the losers to the lions (for reals ones, since Suh is no longer a Lion). Now, there will still be actual “Pro Bowl” selections. They will just not have to compete in a meaningless, boring extra “game.” No, they will be sent to an undisclosed tropical location, for a Bacchian orgy of drugs, liquor, and depravity deserving of a year of excellence surviving the violent gauntlet of professional football. Through live satellite feed, we can watch our Pro Bowlers mock the Toilet Bowl participants (naturally, Toilet Bowl teams are ineligible to send anyone to the Pro Bowl). Proceeds from that will go to “Uncle Joe Cares” – dedicated to REAL support and lifelong care to injured and sick former NFL players.

STOP PRAVDA PRESSES!! UNCLE JOE FORGOT GLORIOUS ITEM #6, WHICH WAS ACTUALLY ORIGINAL IDEA FOR POST

6) Glorious Thursday Night Football shall continue, but it will be played on Fridays. I like leaving the name exactly the same, but c’mon, we have enough data to see that altering the preparation schedule by two days is doable, but three is a clusterfuck. The quality of the product goes WAY down, even beyond the impact of Pheeel and Jeeem (dispatched to Gulag). College games work on Thursday, because they are regularly on a Saturday schedule. So the NFL on Friday nights would be perfect. This also fills a dreadful hole in the TV schedule for shut-ins and recluses (like myself). And don’t give me any shit about “nobody will watch TV on Friday nights” – bullshit, they will watch the NFL, and the networks will scramble madly over the graves of their ancestors for the broadcast rights. Nobody has TRIED to put something of this stature on Friday, and for fuck’s sake, isn’t that when they used to run the must-see block of Dukes of Hazard/Dallas when we were young’uns? Yeah, I old. Now, somebody will surely mention high school football. FUCK IT. The only group truly aggrieved about that are conservative, old honkies in the Deep South and Texas, the kind who truly believe that black folks were happier before civil rights “got them all stirred up.” TOO FUCKING BAD. Go jerk off into your Confederate battle flags you can no longer fly in polite company, as you probably already do during your Mandingo parties (yeah, old Southern white folks are weird, the character of Pierce Hawthorne’s dad on “Community” is hilarious precisely because it has some basis in reality). Then fucking drop dead and stop wasting our precious carbon.

FiveSix points is enough for now, and as a man of the Proletariat, Uncle Joe welcomes your feedback and suggestions.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Horatio Cornblower

I have it on good authority that Electric Mayhem will be joining us soon.

One of us! One of us! One of us!

monty this seems strange to me

If your source is Dr. Teeth, I wouldn’t call that good authority.

Horatio Cornblower

My source is Electric Mayhem himself but yeah, fuck Dr. Teeth.

makeitsnowondem

fuck yeah

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
monty this seems strange to me

Dukes of Hazzard/Dallas, and wasn’t Bill Bixby as The Incredible Hulk in that Friday rotation too?

ballsofsteelandfury

I remember the Love Boat/Fantasy Island night, but I think that might have been Saturday night.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

16-game, 18-week season with two byes.

Old School Zero

Touchdown dances are mandatory. We must celebrate and demonstrate our love for this game at every opportunity! All shall love our glorious mother game!

makeitsnowondem

He’s already got the Rams’ vote. They drafted a running back tenth overall, so they’re obviously really into five-year plans.

laserguru

As long as we’re issuing edicts, is it too much to ask that the Proletariat gets a day off after the Super Bowl?

And maybe show the cheerleaders a little more?

ballsofsteelandfury

ALL HAIL UNCLE JOE!!!

Seriously, this is genius stuff!

My suggestion: We change the name from football to gridiron. I’ve found out that is what they call it in Australia. After all, no one likes kickers and the game has almost completely gone away from actually using the foot. Plus, gridiron is more Iron Curtain. Hard. Men. Aaron Rodgers.

Warthog

All hail our Comrade Gardener of Human Happiness! Losers of Toilet Bowl immediately relegated to North Korea.

Horatio Cornblower

The Toilet Bowl is the fucking bomb-diggity. I want that to happen for real.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Relegation could never work with the way pro leagues are set up here in the U.S., but it would be really cool if college implemented that system with their conferences.

Covalent Blonde

I second this motion for the NHL. Every year a team knowing that they could be in the EHL might make the OT changes even sassier!

— NOT that I am disparaging the EHL at all.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think of all of the professional leagues, the NHL probably has the most potential for a relegation scheme.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Baseball and hockey have similar set-ups.

VonTazeMeBro
VonTazeMeBro

“Uncle Joe welcomes your feedback and suggestions.” Suggestion 1: Run for president of the United (fuckin’) States of ‘Merica. You obviously have all the answers to everything, ever.