Thank you, Jared Fogle. You have proven bias correct. When I look at you, instinctively, I think, “That’s a man who knows a shitload about porn,” and now I know that little voice in me was correct all of this time.

I went to grad school at IU. I have personally had a putty-colored sandwich from just that same restaurant of infamy, and the one thing I can tell you is that Fogle apparently lost weight going up and down one flight of stairs. He physically lived in the most proximal domicile to about 50% of the Indiana University campus, and by that I mean across the street from the uni. All the while, it turns out that it was just to maximize time at home in his windowless one-bedroom

Enjoy being crowned king among pud-tuggers or the next 36 months in a minimum security federal penitentiary, you prince of voluminous pornography.

The loser in this? Subway. First RGIII, now Fat Jared. They should probably go animated and find something indestructible and capable of eating gallons of their “sandwiches.” I propose Gompers, the new Subway goat!