A Mostly Straight Male’s Guide to Magic Mike XXL

[Apologies to every blogger everywhere who has used this format before me]

While everyone was suffering through the heat wave and massive crowds to wait for fireworks to go off, I was in a darkened theater laughing until I cried at one of the most entertaining movies I’ve seen in a while: Magic Mike XXL.

But, wait, isn’t that a movie about male strippers?

I would call it a classic American road movie starring male strippers. In fact, most characters in this movie are strippers or involved in some sort of stripper-related enterprise, but that’s just their occupation. The main (pelvic) thrust of the movie is five guys who are great friends who want to do one last big trip as they begin to think about their future after stripping.

Is there wang?

There is no wang. DAT ASS, DOE.

What about implied wang?

Oh, lots of implied wang. That’s what sexy male underwear is all about–the implication of the wang without having to ruin the mystique of it.

Any boobs?

No boobs this time around.

Damn. That seems like a lot of implied wang, though, and a lot of hot bodies. Am I  going to feel inferior watching this?

If you have an existing complex concerning not looking like a gay Ken doll (fun fact: one guy LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE A KEN DOLL and is named Ken), and feel insecure about your abs, biceps, triceps, delts, quads, calves, ass, neck, lats, fingers, toes, cheekbones, lips, eyes, hair, ears, and nose, then, yeah, this movie isn’t for you. But if you can say fuck that and handle very pretty men being bros and doing awesome dance moves while being really funny, then it’s a great goddamn movie.

So, these guys can actually dance?

Mostly, yeah. Channing Tatum is really fucking good, and then they throw in this guy:

But thankfully they don’t put Kevin Nash and his poodle hair on stage in his knee brace this time. And Michael Strahan gets freaky with a BBW.

Kevin Nash has poodle hair?

I can’t confirm that it’s actually a dead poodle, but it sure could be.

Wait, Michael Strahan’s in it? As a stripper?

Yup. “Augustus”. He doesn’t exactly dance but it’s a pretty entertaining scene.

Any other surprises?

The convenience store scene is worth the price of admission alone, as is the scene in Andie McDowell’s character’s house. There’s a part where two whipped cream canisters are used as a climax to a dance, and the ‘honeymoon’ section of the wedding dance routine that involves a mobile sex swing and Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer”. Oh, and Donald Glover is the definition of Hot Nerd Guy.

Is this going to make me gay?

Fuck you.

Sorry, bad joke. Is this going to make my wife disappointed in me?

Only if you really suck at paying attention to what she likes. To paraphrase a friend of mine, it shouldn’t matter where she gets hungry, just as long as she comes home for dinner.

So I shouldn’t incorporate any of the dance routines into my sex life?

Fuck that–DO IT. Put on Ginuwine’s “Pony”, hand her a stack of ones, and get to it. Turn the lights down and get a disco ball at Spencer’s Gift with some body glitter and gyrate those hips (only to your ability, though; I’m not responsible for any back injuries). The dance routines are fun and hilarious in the movie, but what I think it shows about The Female Gaze in the movie is that having the chance to look or touch without having to be the one looked at or touched can be a very fun experience. Especially if you have a creative sense of humor about the whole thing.

“The Female Gaze”? Shit. There’s going to be longform thinkpieces about this movie, isn’t there?

What have I told you about reading Slate? That shit’ll rot your brain.

You really think I’m going to go see this movie?

Probably not, but you’re missing out. It’s seriously fun–as the AV Club reviewer put it: “Like an old Hollywood musical, Magic Mike XXL takes place in a universe close but parallel to our own, a fantasy realm where people randomly break out into song—or, in this case, breakdance-influenced dance numbers set to ’90s sex jams.”

If you don’t want to see that, I can’t help you.

Well, I guess that’s something. Maybe I’ll check it out.

Peace out.