A Mostly Straight Male’s Guide to Magic Mike XXL

Old School Zero

Old School Zero

Ex-Chargers fan in Portland. Sorry about your carpet.
Old School Zero

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[Apologies to every blogger everywhere who has used this format before me]

While everyone was suffering through the heat wave and massive crowds to wait for fireworks to go off, I was in a darkened theater laughing until I cried at one of the most entertaining movies I’ve seen in a while: Magic Mike XXL.

But, wait, isn’t that a movie about male strippers?

I would call it a classic American road movie starring male strippers. In fact, most characters in this movie are strippers or involved in some sort of stripper-related enterprise, but that’s just their occupation. The main (pelvic) thrust of the movie is five guys who are great friends who want to do one last big trip as they begin to think about their future after stripping.

Is there wang?

There is no wang. DAT ASS, DOE.

What about implied wang?

Oh, lots of implied wang. That’s what sexy male underwear is all about–the implication of the wang without having to ruin the mystique of it.

THE IMPLICATION
Am I right, fellas? What do you mean, ‘eyes up here’?!

Any boobs?

No boobs this time around.

Damn. That seems like a lot of implied wang, though, and a lot of hot bodies. Am I  going to feel inferior watching this?

If you have an existing complex concerning not looking like a gay Ken doll (fun fact: one guy LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE A KEN DOLL and is named Ken), and feel insecure about your abs, biceps, triceps, delts, quads, calves, ass, neck, lats, fingers, toes, cheekbones, lips, eyes, hair, ears, and nose, then, yeah, this movie isn’t for you. But if you can say fuck that and handle very pretty men being bros and doing awesome dance moves while being really funny, then it’s a great goddamn movie.

So, these guys can actually dance?

Mostly, yeah. Channing Tatum is really fucking good, and then they throw in this guy:

tWitch
Dude is on it.

But thankfully they don’t put Kevin Nash and his poodle hair on stage in his knee brace this time. And Michael Strahan gets freaky with a BBW.

Kevin Nash has poodle hair?

I can’t confirm that it’s actually a dead poodle, but it sure could be.

Wait, Michael Strahan’s in it? As a stripper?

Yup. “Augustus”. He doesn’t exactly dance but it’s a pretty entertaining scene.

Any other surprises?

The convenience store scene is worth the price of admission alone, as is the scene in Andie McDowell’s character’s house. There’s a part where two whipped cream canisters are used as a climax to a dance, and the ‘honeymoon’ section of the wedding dance routine that involves a mobile sex swing and Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer”. Oh, and Donald Glover is the definition of Hot Nerd Guy.

Is this going to make me gay?

Fuck you.

Sorry, bad joke. Is this going to make my wife disappointed in me?

Only if you really suck at paying attention to what she likes. To paraphrase a friend of mine, it shouldn’t matter where she gets hungry, just as long as she comes home for dinner.

So I shouldn’t incorporate any of the dance routines into my sex life?

Fuck that–DO IT. Put on Ginuwine’s “Pony”, hand her a stack of ones, and get to it. Turn the lights down and get a disco ball at Spencer’s Gift with some body glitter and gyrate those hips (only to your ability, though; I’m not responsible for any back injuries). The dance routines are fun and hilarious in the movie, but what I think it shows about The Female Gaze in the movie is that having the chance to look or touch without having to be the one looked at or touched can be a very fun experience. Especially if you have a creative sense of humor about the whole thing.

“The Female Gaze”? Shit. There’s going to be longform thinkpieces about this movie, isn’t there?

What have I told you about reading Slate? That shit’ll rot your brain.

You really think I’m going to go see this movie?

Probably not, but you’re missing out. It’s seriously fun–as the AV Club reviewer put it: “Like an old Hollywood musical, Magic Mike XXL takes place in a universe close but parallel to our own, a fantasy realm where people randomly break out into song—or, in this case, breakdance-influenced dance numbers set to ’90s sex jams.”

If you don’t want to see that, I can’t help you.

Well, I guess that’s something. Maybe I’ll check it out.

Peace out.

Old School Zero
Old School Zero
Ex-Chargers fan in Portland. Sorry about your carpet.
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Darkest Timeline Zack MorrislaserguruMoose -The End Is Well NighOld School Zeroballsofsteelandfury Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I’m troubled by my wife’s feelings for Joe Mangianello. However, she’s just as annoyed by my unhidden lust for Sofia Vergara, so it all works out. Also
http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.2196596.1429824016!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/gallery_1200/sofia-vergara-1998.jpg

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

That picture is huge. And great.

ballsofsteelandfury

Holy Camel Toe Batman!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Sam Rockwell is the best expression man in the biz.

King Hippo

I put this here for no reason, other than being weird:

ballsofsteelandfury

Also, where do you get underwear like that?

Asking for a friend….

ballsofsteelandfury

Found it! Google “crew Christian underwear” and you’ll get it. Also, they have a store in West Hollywood…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Huuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmm guess I Googlebinged it wrong.

http://dailydish.typepad.com/the_daily_dish/images/mormonunderwear.jpg

King Hippo

While on the topic (underwear is for FASCISTS, but that’s another topic for another day), I have always wondered if’n one can get the special magic Mormon undies in a garden-variety Target, provided you are in, say, Utah or Northern Arizona.

Now maybe this can go down the general underwear wormhole like the “toilet protocols” thread did on DFO birthnight. Misty, water-coloured memmmmmories….

ballsofsteelandfury

You’d be surprised how kinky the people that live in Northern Arizona and Utah can be…

King Hippo

Repression and kink tend to fit like hand and glove. Like how the minister’s kids were always the most hedonistic partiers the second they were off the leash.

Can’t remember where I read/heard this, but supposedly Salt Lake City has/had the 2nd highest rate of pay-per-view porn consumption in the nation.

ballsofsteelandfury

I believe it. Have you ever partied with a “Jack” Mormon? They’d do really well hanging with Charlie Sheen.

King Hippo

Yet another reason why I need to live out West before I’m too old and reclusive to have new life experiences.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

I saw the first one in Bangkok (happy coincidence) on vacation and it was my favorite movie that year. I am so glad this one is just as good! I’m going to have to check it out this weekend.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
scotchnaut

I came for the movie review and stayed for the relationship advice.

/tbh, I came twice

Horatio Cornblower

So did your Mom!

scotchnaut

You? Dead at recess. Count on it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Why put a time limit on it? Wait until three o’clock and you can pummel him as long as you like!

http://www.heyuguys.com/images/2010/09/Three-OClock-High-Jerry.jpg

scotchnaut

[pats self on back]

I get this reference!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It was by no means an extraordinary movie, but it *did* have a lot to like.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh man I remember that movie. Wasn’t the whole thing about $50 missing from the school bookstore? And as a result a teacher and a security guard got cold-cocked with brass knuckles?

Stay in school kids, but not past 3 o’clock!

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Jerry Mitchell’s sister in real life starred in Wild Orchid 2: 2 Shades of Blue. That is a fact that I know, somehow. It’s what happens when you grow up in a world where Cinemax is the closest thing a 12 year old can get to pornography. She was also Corey Haim’s sister in the Oscar winning (wait…) License To Drive.

Also, Paul Feig (Director of the new Ghostbusters) has a small part as a hall monitor in 3 O’Clock High.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
makeitsnowondem

If I haven’t seen the first one, am I going to be confused about who the penises characters are?

King Hippo

Dude, I know what you mean. I was sooooo lost when I tried to follow the plot of White Chicks, Black Dicks 9.

/no ofence

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s not to say you won’t be confused by certain penii.