Editors’ Note:  This week, we asked noted Coldplay, U2, and Bruce Springsteen enthusiast Peter King to help us introduce the request line by selecting songs he would use if he were an MLB closer.  We are truly sorry.  

With all of the interesting NFL going-ons right now — the robbery of a 7-11 by a coke-addled Johnny Manziel, the multi-state killing spree perpetrated by Ray McDonald, and the career-ending bathhouse injury of Aaron Rodgers — I want to talk about a subject near and dear to my heart:  Baseball.

But first, a few words on why Tom Brady, with his All-American good looks, supermodel wife, and record-setting Super Bowl performances, needs to reconcile with the best commissioner the game has ever seen:  Roger Goodell. . . .

[3,000 words about Ballghazi]

. . . and that is how Roger Goodell solved the racial problems of a small New England town through the power of one-armed push-ups and smartness.

The baseball season is wrapping up, and the only things I might love more than my Red Sox (as a Nutmegger, an Ohio graduate and long-time New Jersey resident, is there any other team?) are Microsoft Bing, EvoShield, and long conversations with Brett Favre.  What you probably don’t know is how a baseball game ends sometimes.   A baseball game is divided into 9 “innings” . . .

[5,000 word explanation of commonly known baseball rules]

. . . and that pitcher is called a closer, because he tries to “close” or “finish”the game.

Many closers like to play music as they enter the field and throw their warm up pitches.  Mariano Rivera of the hated New York Yankees always played “Enter Sandman” by a precocious band called Metallica.

Personally, I might possibly prefer something more patriotic, that praises America and its top-notch treatment of our veterans.  That is why I would maybe choose “Born in the U.S.A.” by my hero, Bruce Springsteen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZD4ezDbbu4

I really want to meet Bruce Springsteen. Is that too much to ask?  Come to think of it, if I met him, what would I say? “I love your music?” “The Wrestler is going to be an ESPN instant classic?”  I’d probably just say the same thing to him that I often say to Bailey the golden retriever: “You’re so good.” Or maybe: “I’m proud to share the same state.” Something ridiculously gee-whiz. [Editor’s Note: This paragraph is what Peter King actually wrote about Springsteen]

TEN THINGS I THINK I THINK I THINK ABOUT MLB CLOSER SONGS

1.  I think that I am glad that the distraction of the Michael Sam story is over.  I was speaking with future Hall of Fame NFL Head Coach Tony Dungy, my friend at NBC’s Football Night in America (FULL DISCLOSURE:  I have a Hall of Fame vote.  Me, Peter King, a Hall of Fame voter, who decides who goes into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. I am humbled by this honor.).  Tony told me that, as an African-American, he finds Michael Sam to be a distraction.  He told me this shortly after the death of his definitely not-gay son, which he felt gave him a unique perspective.  I could not agree more with my good friend Tony Dungy.

iv. My daughter was gay-married in a barn in the Bay Area last summer, where an owl pooped all over one of the bride’s sisters.  What a country!

xl. Some former players under Chip Kelly have been saying he is racist. Since he drafted a few black players, that’s not true. He is just tough, like another great coach, Greg Schiano.  I know a non-racist when I see one, because I am friends with the first African-American coach to win a Super Bowl, Tony Dungy.

2.  I think I want to wish a happy cotillion to your son Attyson, Bowerses!

7-4.  I think that no city is as underratedly walkable as New York City.  There are people everywhere, and they aren’t always agreeable. One lady even got upset when I accidentally spilled a full latte on her jacket, even though I apologized. Only in New York!

a. Also, does it get any better than when U2 sings about 9/11?  Just ask Donnie “Brasco” Banks.

(23) I think “Donnie Brasco” is terminally underrated as a movie, just like Pierre Thomas. A lofty film.

ℑ) I think I had the following conversation recently:

i. BOSTON – Asked restaurant host: “God, did you hear about John Farrell?”

II.  Host: “No.”

xx.   Me: “Cancer. He might die.”

(v.) Thought he would cry

♣/ I think I once thought they ran out of caramel syrup at Starbucks.  I was so depressed. Worst 3 minutes of my life. So I feel for Erik Kramer and his family.

∅.  I think we need to care more about the recent mental health issues of ex-NFLers like Kramer and Junior Seau. We’re a civilized society, and we need to act. I don’t know what, but Congress should do something!

%]   I think I passed through Portland, Oregon, last week during my annual training camp tour, presented by EvoShield.  In my power rankings of walkable cities, I would give it a grade of “meh.”  It was a bit too hilly for my tastes. Also, I am not sure if Portland is much of a beer city, but the four Peronis I had at Champion’s Bar at the Marriott Hotel were refreshingly good, as always.

(Ψ)  Coffeenerdness:  I am up to four quintuple pumpkin macchiato enemas  — with extra froth, of course — a day now.  Be less delicious, Seattle!

X.  Beernerdness: At the Bruce Springsteen concert last week, I met a nice young man from Boston (by way of New York) named Lee.  He give me the nickname “Gash” because of my love of Allagash White, I think.  I can’t deny that might not possibly not be the most quasi-legitimate nickname for me, maybe!

THE ADIEU HAIKU

Chip is not racist
Tony Dungy is my friend
Hall of Fame Voter

Thanks, Gash, you equivocating fuck.  Please feel free to post song selections you would use if you were an MLB closer below in the comments, and Rikki will put together his always enjoyable playlist from the same early next week.

Image via Deadspin