5:00 AM: Time to wake up, another day at training camp.
5:15 AM: Let’s have some breakfast [insert command (ic): unscrew bottle cap, ingest pill] energy surge, muscles strengthen, balls shrink. Time to rock.
On Practice Field
6:45 AM: Head takes hit Ohhh, I feel woosy, what am I doing again, oh right Fry the trousers on the beach. No that can’t be right. Try for another perk up. [IC: unscrew bottle cap, ingest pill] energy surge, muscles tighten, balls shrink
Yeah Brah, I want to do some lifting.
10:30 AM: Why am I laying on the ground? Wait, it’s 10:30? Could’ve sworn it was 7 a few minutes ago. Here comes Coach O’Brien and Mike Vrabel, let’s hear what they have to say:
BOB: Are you alright son, you were out for a few minutes after taking a hit to the head.
MV: Hey coach, the HBO guys need a close-up and the producers need another take. They also want us to do it like we discussed.
BOB: Ok, no need to explain. Fuck, cockshit, ballfuck, bitchtits. Win every fucking inch.
MV: I fucking fucking fuck fucking fucking fucking, 3rd down zone blitz. Go inside and wait for the afternoon meetings Brian.
Those aren’t until 2, better get a rush. [ic: unscrew bottle cap, ingest pill] energy surge, muscles strengthen, balls shrink.
We got this shit.
10:35 AM: [involuntary command: copious vomiting]
Training Facility, in Kitchen, stirring contents in a pot, Regain Consciousness
1:45 PM. Where am I, what am I doing? There’s Vince Wilfork, what does he need:
VW: Thanks for stirring that chili for that last 3 hours. You know you could’ve stopped every now and then. Come to think of it, I don’t think you blinked once at all when you were stirring for three hours straight. Let’s go to the meeting.
2:00 PM to 6:00 PM. Coach O’Brien and Vrabel use more swears than uttered in all of Quentin Tarantino’s movies multiplied by all of Scorese’s; JJ Watt informs everyone of his work ethic; Vince Wilfork sweats profusely despite the air conditioning
Hey, Watt looks like he’s going to practice throught the night, good for him, better keep track of his social media feeds but it’s time for me to go home, one more for the road. [IC: unscrew cap, ingest pill) energy surge, muscles tighten, balls shrink
Back at home, nice to relax after a long day. Hey, when did my wife become an elderly Asian women? Oh, looks my car crashed through another person living room, how did that happen? Sorry ma’am, but I gotta go.
Hey, any other brain cells around? Where did they all go? Seems pretty dead in here. There’s my wife, what does she want? Let’s find out:
Brian Cushing’s Wife: the kids are asleep, why don’t we have some you and me time.
Sweet. [IC: unscrew bottle cap,ingest pill] penis hardens
[Brian Cushing’s balls
Is it just me or is there at lot less room here than we used to have?
Brian Cushing’s Brain Cell, Regains Consciousness
3:15 PM, June 27th, 2039
Spider lamb, pillow apples. Fox Melting Bongos.
[Involuntary Command: Initiate Bowel Movement, Drool].