Updated Preview Parade: New England Patriots

God is dead.

 

He was killed by the Easter Bunny and Lady Liberty, who in turn completed the metaphysical murder-suicide by drinking Drano laced with Donald Trump’s unicorn-tear hair tonic.

 

Be clear: I come not to bury Roger Goodell, nor to praise him. Nor even to piss in his morning civet-crapped Uber Coffee, no matter how much the idea appeals to me.

 

Indeed, fellow DFOers, I come not to celebrate nor vilify Tomtastic Brady or Ted “Holy Fuck A District Court Moved Faster Than I Did” Wells, the district court judge or the sketch artist or Dorito Dink or any of the other bit players in this absurdist melodrama.

 

Today, one ragingly narcissistic cockwallet has temporarily triumphed over an equally narcissistic cockwallet. (It should be noted that I wrote this sentence three days ago, because no matter which way the judge went, it would be true.)

 

This will have relatively little effect on the actual outcome of the season- Patriots gonna Patriot, right up until Mephistopheles comes to collect and the Josh McDaniels/Jimmy Garappolo era begins. Which will look something like this:

garden-of-earthly-delights-hellscape-1920x1080Whoops, that’s just a stock photo of the Inner Harbor

Some off-field effects may be a bit more noticeable. Most immediately, reports are already coming in from Massachusetts that emergency rooms are overwhelmed with Pats fans whose throbbing TAWWWWMMMY erections have lasted more than four hours.

Nazi-RallyThose aren’t their arms

We can also expect a significant change in seasonal weather extremes, as the force of the football “media” collectively backpedaling from their “He destroyed his cellphone! He must be guilty!” to “He’s a hero to players and a true leader!” causes a shift in the Earth’s axial tilt.

pkeeaaSurprisingly agile for a semi-animate bowl of goat shit.

And now every single disciplinary case is going to go to federal court, which is fucking spectacular for me and my dark fellowship of attorneykind

3724326-Happy-business-team-celebrating-with-champagne-at-office-Stock-PhotoBRING OUT THE ORGYBOT 5000!

So, for my updated prediction:

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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Grummmmble

As a Patriots fan, I’d just like to say I’m glad I live in New York.

jjfozz

My soul, what’s left of it, will tear itself in two this coming Thursday night. Luckily, my corporeal self will be marinating in Bulleit bourbon, cheap ass light beer, and fine cigars.

So call it a push.

Also fuck everything about Boston, from the beans to the Bosox to the Bellicheats.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Days like this keep reaffirming my upmost antipathy towards Boston sports fans.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

All of this means that I do not need to watch next week’s game. Why the fuck would I subject myself to a Patriot ball-washing by the announcers and a beat down of the Steelers on the field.

http://www.troll.me/images/bender/well-were-boned.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

The only prediction is pain

ballsofsteelandfury

This is fucking perfection. Great job!

LOVE the captions!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons

Red Zone is free.

Go and be well.