God is dead.
He was killed by the Easter Bunny and Lady Liberty, who in turn completed the metaphysical murder-suicide by drinking Drano laced with Donald Trump’s unicorn-tear hair tonic.
Be clear: I come not to bury Roger Goodell, nor to praise him. Nor even to piss in his morning civet-crapped Uber Coffee, no matter how much the idea appeals to me.
Indeed, fellow DFOers, I come not to celebrate nor vilify Tomtastic Brady or Ted “Holy Fuck A District Court Moved Faster Than I Did” Wells, the district court judge or the sketch artist or Dorito Dink or any of the other bit players in this absurdist melodrama.
Today, one ragingly narcissistic cockwallet has temporarily triumphed over an equally narcissistic cockwallet. (It should be noted that I wrote this sentence three days ago, because no matter which way the judge went, it would be true.)
This will have relatively little effect on the actual outcome of the season- Patriots gonna Patriot, right up until Mephistopheles comes to collect and the Josh McDaniels/Jimmy Garappolo era begins. Which will look something like this:
Whoops, that’s just a stock photo of the Inner Harbor
Some off-field effects may be a bit more noticeable. Most immediately, reports are already coming in from Massachusetts that emergency rooms are overwhelmed with Pats fans whose throbbing TAWWWWMMMY erections have lasted more than four hours.
We can also expect a significant change in seasonal weather extremes, as the force of the football “media” collectively backpedaling from their “He destroyed his cellphone! He must be guilty!” to “He’s a hero to players and a true leader!” causes a shift in the Earth’s axial tilt.
Surprisingly agile for a semi-animate bowl of goat shit.
And now every single disciplinary case is going to go to federal court, which is fucking spectacular for me and my dark fellowship of attorneykind
So, for my updated prediction:
As a Patriots fan, I’d just like to say I’m glad I live in New York.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/7cc76003ec2e9885737c6703eac266e7/tumblr_ntsjs3jkUZ1s534tno1_250.gif
http://31.media.tumblr.com/95bba1e214c9e6362992c079b58db4c4/tumblr_nthwj1CZea1s534tno1_400.gif
My soul, what’s left of it, will tear itself in two this coming Thursday night. Luckily, my corporeal self will be marinating in Bulleit bourbon, cheap ass light beer, and fine cigars.
So call it a push.
Also fuck everything about Boston, from the beans to the Bosox to the Bellicheats.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/629d6be3c5eed519505bbaf13f5e0a05/tumblr_nu0ld1IPCW1rbhnqko1_500.gif
Days like this keep reaffirming my upmost antipathy towards Boston sports fans.
I think the hate this year will be delicious.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/222aad98a39b16fe9b3e1702363210f8/tumblr_ntnql9r5Ky1rdfgw4o1_500.gif
All of this means that I do not need to watch next week’s game. Why the fuck would I subject myself to a Patriot ball-washing by the announcers and a beat down of the Steelers on the field.
http://www.troll.me/images/bender/well-were-boned.jpg
You’ll watch it and you’ll LIKE IT.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/fd89bcd765a9dc1eb2ab9bc0775a88c4/tumblr_ntz3oyK0aR1rbrhnko1_500.gif
The only prediction is pain
http://41.media.tumblr.com/a9e434bfdf17c154bf26a8c8277102af/tumblr_ntcxz2vAau1qd6pzuo1_1280.png
This is fucking perfection. Great job!
LOVE the captions!
NICE!
http://33.media.tumblr.com/68839dd8d970f6ab027977b9b50c0c6e/tumblr_n8dc70kzux1tr6ni8o1_500.gif
Red Zone is free.
Go and be well.