So, it’s time to talk about the Demon King.

Sorry. I meant Roger Goodell, not the monster that occupies his soul.

I decided to save the League’s shittiest shitweasel for tonight, because I wanted to attempt a special FJM/KSK-style takedown to his “State of the League” 45-minute address from Wednesday night, using what I presume was his internal monologue. It’s not every question, but it’s the stuff I felt relevant to the “Hate Week” theme. Thanks to CBS Boston, who is part of my cable package at home, here is the nearly full transcript of his speech for your amusement/rage.

I have followed the order of questioning. I have skipped a few, and snipped others, and have done the same with his responses. But they are the real words used.

Now on, to the hate!

Opening Statement:

“Good afternoon. On behalf of the NFL, welcome to Super Bowl 51.”

• Where else would you media hacks be? It’s the only time most of you are afforded plane fare and an expense account. Now, fuck you – kiss my ring.

“We’re happy to be here in Houston and there are a few ‘Thank Yous’ I would like to start with.”

• Thanks for paying for everything, Houston. I’m sure you’ll agree that this is a better two-week ordeal than the Olympics, and with fewer foreigners to boot. Double entendre intended.

“…to the thousands of volunteers and this great community in general, you can feel the enthusiasm, you can feel the way we’re being embraced here in this community and we thank you for that.”

• Also, desperate people of Houston, thanks for agreeing to be paid in sandwiches and bottles of Aquafina, gratefully supplied by our partners at Subway and Pepsi. Because I’m not giving you a fucking dime.

“…at Super Bowl Live and the NFL Experience [snip] we’re seeing record numbers, over 250,000 people in the first few days and well on pace to exceed a million people attending these events. We hope the people of Houston will attend and get a chance to experience a little bit of the Super Bowl.”

• Because none of you are important enough to be allowed into the actual game. And thanks for cleaning up the garbage after we leave.

“And congratulations to these two incredible teams, the (New England) Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons.”

• “And congratulations to these two incredible teams, the (Fucking) Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons.”

“Finally, let me thank our great fans for their support all year long. They make the difference for us. They’re the reason why we do what we do, and I know they’re the ones that inspire our teams. So, thank you for all your support.”

• Thanks for coming out, suckers. How do those $10 beers taste? Oh, and “Fuck you, San Diego”; hope you enjoy soccer.

“I’m happy to take your questions.”

• Fuck you all. You ain’t getting shit out of me. Get on my nerve, and you can join Barstool Sports out in the fucking street. Now – since I have to – let’s do this.

Question: The Raiders started the approval process to move to Las Vegas, though the latest news seems to put that situation in peril. Is the NFL confident that Las Vegas remains a viable location for the Raiders?

“That’s part of the relocation process. The Raiders submitted an application. It’s one that we’re considering carefully, but there is a great deal of work to be done and there are several elements of that. Financing of the stadium is just one.”

• Fucking Mark Davis. I knew that trust-fund baby would fuck it up somehow. That’s why we didn’t let him go to LA. He’d be so far up Enos’ ass Kroenke would demand I rescind the relocation. And now it’s too fucking late to talk Dean Spanos out of leaving San Diego. That’s why I’m sending Davis’ ass back to Mexico.

You offered President [George H.W.] Bush a chance to toss the coin; has he accepted?

“Yes, President Bush 41, and Mrs. Bush. I approached them in December, and they were very enthusiastic about wanting to participate. We’re honored to have them.”

• Who do you think I meant, ¡Jeb!? I wanted W. for the Pro Bowl, but Laura said he’s not allowed to visit Disney World by himself. As long as H.W. doesn’t die on the field, it’ll be fine. I told McNair to get Aaron Rodgers’ tent ready just in case.

Last summer, Texans’ Owner Bob McNair said of Deflategate, we all have allowed it to become a mountain out of a molehill, and last week, Robert Kraft said to Peter King that you got bad advice from people around you, and the league didn’t handle it well. What is your reaction to those comments, and in hindsight, do you think you got bad advice about how you handled Deflategate? 

“No, we had a violation. We went through a process. [snip] So, we’re moving on from that. [snip] …we’re focusing on the game now.”

• Fuck you. Next?

After the great success that the NFL had this season in the game in Mexico City between the Raiders and the Houston Texans, will the NFL go back next season to Mexico?

“Yes. We had a great experience last year. The Texans and the Raiders, we couldn’t have asked for a better reception from our fans in Mexico. [snip] The Raiders and the Patriots will be playing there next season.”

• That’s better. Yes, it went so well that we’re sending the one team I kept out of southern California to play the one team I hope doesn’t come home from Mexico. Hopefully, those lasers Brock was complaining about last year are rifle sights this time around.

If Las Vegas were to fall through, could San Diego be the viable option for the Raiders?

“Listen, and I’ve made this clear before, we were disappointed to have to leave San Diego. We couldn’t get a stadium done. As you know, we had a referendum just last November that did not pass by the voters, and I think for any team to relocate to San Diego at this point in time, we’re going to have to find a solution to that stadium problem, one that we couldn’t do after probably 15 years of effort. That doesn’t mean it can’t happen in the future. In fact, there is a history of markets that get these projects done once a team leaves.”

• Jesus – I thought this was going to be hard. Can you all smell this bullshit? Eat it up, you fuckers. And any city looking to stiff my owners better remember that Roger Goodell don’t fuck around. No sir.

I think you said a couple weeks ago in Inglewood that we’re all hurting over the Chargers leaving us. I’m hoping you could reconcile that with how enticing you made it for the Chargers to go to Los Angeles. The owners, a year ago, made it pretty easy. Is there anything the NFL can do better to have prevent the Chargers from leaving, or any other team?

“When you say we made it enticing for them to move to Los Angeles, I would actually argue the exact opposite. The NFL owners did something that was unprecedented, which they gave another $100 million on top of the $200 million, so a total of $300 million, to help build the stadium in San Diego. [snip] The referendum failed. There were a lot of other efforts in addition to that, but that’s disappointing for all of us.”

• Christ – back to this. Listen you fucker, if I learned anything from Darren Sharper and Penn State, it’s that you blame the victim. This is all San Diego’s fault. They should have played ball. Their loss. It’s too late for an apology now.  Next?

You have not been in Foxboro in the past two years since the Deflategate investigation. Your explanation strains all credibility that you needed to be in Atlanta two weeks in a row. It appears that you were avoiding Foxboro. The Patriots are here in this game. Back home, it feels like there is still a war between the Patriots, their fans and you. How would you characterize this situation and is it not awkward?

“…from our standpoint, we understand when fans who are loyal and passionate for a team object and don’t like the outcome, I totally understand that. That’s not an issue for me. I was in Boston two seasons ago for two consecutive playoff games, the same way I was in Atlanta this year. So that happens…”

• Okay, let me put this in a way you’ll understand, FACK YOU!

From prominent players within the league, to fan bases in San Diego, St. Louis, New England, to the media, there seems to be an erosion of public trust in you and your office, do you acknowledge that and is there any way you would go about repairing that if you would even seek to do so?

“The thing that you have to always do every day is earn that trust, earn that credibility and it’s by how you act and how you do things. [snip] We always seek to do things better, I will always seek to do things better and that’s how we’ll continue to operate and if we can do if differently, we’ll do it differently.”

• What the fuck do I care about the fans’ opinion? I give you people eight home games a year; seven if you’re the Jaguars. As long as I keep the owners rolling in dough, I’m good.

Could less also be more when it comes to Thursday Night Football? What’s the future of Thursday Night Football and how does social media play a part of the league moving forward?

“Thursday Night Football is something that we are very committed to. Thursday Night Football ended up being the number-two rated show on all of primetime on NBC this year and number four on CBS. So we see our fans reacting positively to that…”

• You will eat the shitburgers I feed you. It’s not my fault I have to serve you the Browns and Jaguars. If I had to eat Skyline Chili with Peter King, you have to too.

Do you see any path in the future where St. Louis could return to the NFL? Also, has the league – on any level – had any discussions with officials in Missouri or St. Louis on this subject?

“I had some conversations with your new governor in Missouri…”

• HAHAHAHA!!! No.

You said a minute ago that if you’re invited back to Foxboro, you’d go. To the best of your knowledge, over the last month, have you been welcome in Foxboro?

“By whom? I’m not sure your question. I have no doubt that if I wanted to come up to a Patriots game, and I asked Mr. Kraft, he would welcome me back. That’s up to him, though.”

• This shit again? Look – if I want to go to Boston, I will fucking go to Boston. I’m fucking bulletproof. I mean, I’ll probably need a Kevlar vest and someone to taste my food. I ain’t stupid.

Where does the investigation stand on the Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott on his domestic violence situation, and when do you hope to have that completed?

“I am not putting any pressure on our investigators. [snip] We want them to be fair and come to the right conclusion. So when they do, they will notify me and we’ll take it from there, but at this point, there is no timetable.”

• Are you Janay Rice’s lawyer? No? Good. Next?

What kind of message do you think the league is sending its fans that the Chargers were allowed to leave after 56 years in San Diego of great support, largely because the owner was not able to finance his own stadium and was relying on lots of public money and money from the league?

“A stadium, and I think you live in the community, it has taken quite a while to recognize a new stadium was needed, but I think every party in San Diego recognized a new stadium was necessary. The Spanos family, the NFL as a collective 32 clubs, all worked very hard. So it is a process that has to identify a solution that is good for the community as well as the team, so that they can obviously not only coexist, but benefit long term…”

• Fucking hell! Are you from the Union Tribune? Look, you tell Acee I don’t appreciate his bullshit. The MLS proposal would provide “a stadium that would house the MLS team and San Diego State football, housing for students and faculty, as well as other middle-income families, office space and an entertainment district, plus more than 50 acres of park land”? Tell that commie punk I’mma getting him banned from Galaxy games as well. Don’t ever tell me an NFL deal is bad for the community. I’M ROGER FUCKING GOODELL!

{In terms of Josh Brown & Ezekiel Elliott} how do you assess your current domestic violence policies’ ability to handle these situations compared to what it used to be?

“I think we’ve made very important progress, not only on domestic violence, but personal conduct policies in general. We’ve seen in the last two years since we implemented this policy 40 percent reduction each year, I believe, over the last two years in the number of arrests. That is still – every arrest we have is one too many, but the reality of it is the vast, vast majority of our players are extraordinary young men who do great things in their communities.”

• empty words; vague statistics; GOOD BOYS!

“Thank you everyone for coming.”

• Fuck you. FACK YOU! Super Bowl 51!

SEEMS ACCURATE TO ME!