Good Saturday, one and all.  Hope you and yours had a most joyous 9/11.  Now, it’s time to get down to the serious business – the first real marathon sports Saturday of Fall 2015.  A full EPL slate, and junior varsity NFL games to keep you interested throughout the remainder of the day.  Caffeinate wisely.

And yes, you need to be up for the 7:45 EST kickoff match, as it will feature bad blood between Everton and Chelski.  Jose Mourinho ruffled more than a few Evertonian feathers in his failed pursuit of CB John Stones in the summer transfer window, and the Goodison Park crowd will let him hear about it at full volume, in beautifully profane fashion.  Both sides desperately need three points from this fixture, so expect a frustrating draw.  Next, the match of the day to highlight the 10:00 window – a surprising 1/2 showdown between Manchester City (on a perfect 12 points) and streaking Crystal Palace (fresh off a road win at Chelski, on 9 points).  Expect some wide open, creative play in that one.  The “classically big game” is at 12:30, Manure and the Shite on NBC.  My honky ass will switch to the university action, because FUCK THOSE TOSSERS.

I know I feel better now!  Below is your priority viewing guide for the JV action:

Oregon State at Michigan (Noon, ABC)

The Wolverines consider their march through their PAC 12 schedule.  Laughing at Jim Harbaugh is always fun, but I honestly have no idea if the Beavers are up to the task.  Mike Riley leaving for Nebraska probably isn’t a great sign.

Georgia at Vanderbilt (3:30, CBS)

Hey, it’s the SEC opener!  This looked more interesting before Vandy got their asses handed to them by Western Kentucky last weekend.  If one is planning a strategic nap, 3-6 sounds about right.

San Diego State at Cal (5:00, Pac12N)

This is for the DFO SoCal branch, given that we have partisans on both sides.  The winner can start dreaming of minor bowl qualification!

Oklahoma at Tennessee (6:00, ESPN)

Saturday’s first game between ranked teams, though not at all convinced the Vols really deserve this distinction.  I guess we’ll see, Knoxville will certainly provide a raucous home atmosphere for a September night game.

Oregon at Michigan State (8:00, ABC)

Ah, here we fucking go.  Actual must-see JV NFL TV!  Sparty hosting the Ducks in a clash of styles, with neither team having a chance to iron out the kinks yet.  Should be quite the wild affair.  Plus, you know, a chance to leer at the Oregon cheerleaders,

LSU at Mississippi State (9:15, ESPN)

Fuck you, ESPN, for putting the two really compelling games in essentially the same time slot.  I would record this one to watch with my Sunday coffee, but avoiding score updates would be too difficult.  This will be a brutal physical battle, and will NAWT leave you asking for MORE cowbell.

Boise State at BYU (10:15, ESPN2)

Here is your coffee DVR game.  The winner has the inside track at sneaking into the playoff discussion at 12-0.  Both teams are at least pretty good, but I’m not sure what their ceiling really is.