Good Saturday, one and all. Hope you and yours had a most joyous 9/11. Now, it’s time to get down to the serious business – the first real marathon sports Saturday of Fall 2015. A full EPL slate, and junior varsity NFL games to keep you interested throughout the remainder of the day. Caffeinate wisely.
And yes, you need to be up for the 7:45 EST kickoff match, as it will feature bad blood between Everton and Chelski. Jose Mourinho ruffled more than a few Evertonian feathers in his failed pursuit of CB John Stones in the summer transfer window, and the Goodison Park crowd will let him hear about it at full volume, in beautifully profane fashion. Both sides desperately need three points from this fixture, so expect a frustrating draw. Next, the match of the day to highlight the 10:00 window – a surprising 1/2 showdown between Manchester City (on a perfect 12 points) and streaking Crystal Palace (fresh off a road win at Chelski, on 9 points). Expect some wide open, creative play in that one. The “classically big game” is at 12:30, Manure and the Shite on NBC. My honky ass will switch to the university action, because FUCK THOSE TOSSERS.
I know I feel better now! Below is your priority viewing guide for the JV action:
Oregon State at Michigan (Noon, ABC)
The Wolverines consider their march through their PAC 12 schedule. Laughing at Jim Harbaugh is always fun, but I honestly have no idea if the Beavers are up to the task. Mike Riley leaving for Nebraska probably isn’t a great sign.
Georgia at Vanderbilt (3:30, CBS)
Hey, it’s the SEC opener! This looked more interesting before Vandy got their asses handed to them by Western Kentucky last weekend. If one is planning a strategic nap, 3-6 sounds about right.
San Diego State at Cal (5:00, Pac12N)
This is for the DFO SoCal branch, given that we have partisans on both sides. The winner can start dreaming of minor bowl qualification!
Oklahoma at Tennessee (6:00, ESPN)
Saturday’s first game between ranked teams, though not at all convinced the Vols really deserve this distinction. I guess we’ll see, Knoxville will certainly provide a raucous home atmosphere for a September night game.
Oregon at Michigan State (8:00, ABC)
Ah, here we fucking go. Actual must-see JV NFL TV! Sparty hosting the Ducks in a clash of styles, with neither team having a chance to iron out the kinks yet. Should be quite the wild affair. Plus, you know, a chance to leer at the Oregon cheerleaders,
LSU at Mississippi State (9:15, ESPN)
Fuck you, ESPN, for putting the two really compelling games in essentially the same time slot. I would record this one to watch with my Sunday coffee, but avoiding score updates would be too difficult. This will be a brutal physical battle, and will NAWT leave you asking for MORE cowbell.
Boise State at BYU (10:15, ESPN2)
Here is your coffee DVR game. The winner has the inside track at sneaking into the playoff discussion at 12-0. Both teams are at least pretty good, but I’m not sure what their ceiling really is.
That was very Cavalier like giving a poor hungry Irishman a potato shaped liked a football. Who say’s chivalry is dead?
My 18th ranked Hogs are getting beat by fucking Toledo.
There’s not enough booze in the world right now.
BERT BEELSMA JUS DOESNT HAVE WATTA TAEKS TO BE A DANG HC IN THE ESS EEE SEE PAWL DATS WHERE WES DUN PLAY ARE FOOBAWL PAWL IN DA ESS EEE SEE
WVU beates the Liberty Fundamentalists, 41-17. Fuck the Fawells.
Special teams dumbshittery aplenty by my wolven sort. Makes one ponder sticking one’s head in one’s oven. But one wouldn’t want to be a dick and leave a mess like that for anyone else to clean up. Ewwwwww.
It’s o.k., just stick a can of Easy Off in your mouth before sticking your head in.
Beats a shotgun.
I think the intentional OD, closely followed by the hose on the tailpipe, are the best choices tho, if one is trying to minimize post suicidal cleanup.
Would make a good coffee table book, “The Polite Suicide”
Sending yourself through the crematory oven would be the politest. Although locking yourself in a deep freezer would preserve your organs, which would possibly be even politer.
Second game of the Jays/Yankees doubleheader just started.
There were literally 7 people in the stands behind home plate for the first pitch.
End of 3rd: Stephen F. Austin 0, TCU 56.
http://webplatform.adobe.com/Demo-for-Food-Network-Cupcakes/src/assets/images/section-1/cupcakes/GotoChocolateCupcake.png
NOM NOM NOM!
Must be a distant relative of Marvin Austin.
Matt Millen and Co. employing sarcasm in the booth; announcers showing the slightest glimpse of humanity? Have they run out of stats splits between day and night games cross correlated with jersey color?
Iowa ties up ¡El Assico!, 10-10, and this game is proceeding exactly as schedule. I think Fek is arming the photon torpedoes.
Time to fetch a Sumpin Sumpin Ale for Eastern KY/NC State. WOO!!!!!
Zaire to be replaced by Kaiser, damn the turn of the century central European rulers joke just write themselves.
Another African country ravaged by European colonialism. This game is practically a history lesson.
If Kaiser doesnt have the furor to succeed, he’ll be replaced by Bundo Sphere.
Arkansas losing to Toledo at halftime. It’s the day of the MAC!
FEEL THE MACTION
Outside of Bama, the SEC looks like a dutch oven full of dog turds this season.
Wow, Northwestern sure is a lot better than Auburn.
UVA has dodged more bullets in this game than Neo from The Matrix
I have never seen that all the way through. Farthest I ever made it was like 30 minutes before I got bored.
Doink.
Nicely shanked.
Chinese kicker: “Sumting Wong”
CDC just issued a warning of a severe Ebola Zaïre outbreak in Scott Stadium.
He’s got one fuckin’ helluva cannon on him, I’ll give him that.
Shit, that was supposed to be a reply to Revisisle.
Dunno why Richt thought an ACC washout QB would magically be startable in a real conference.
Mark Richt is the Jeff Fisher of college football.
Zaire just went Leopold II on UVA’s DBs
I want to make a Last King of Scotland joke, even if its not quite on point.
Don’t be getting all snippety with Ms. LaForce, Coach Richt. Dickface.
Gonna have to cut him.
He’s always had a very punchable/cuttable face.
Would be awesome if Boss Matt Johns had somebody with the last name of Riddick to throw to.
Malik Democratic Republic of the Congo.
Ebola Zaire
I can tell Notre Dame really are Irish because they almost got me to stop drinking on the first quarter, turn off the t.v. and take a nap.
Me being half Irish has nothing to do with it of course.
Oh, thank GOD Blackish is back for a second season!!!!
why is it black ppl can call black ppl blakish but wen WHITE ppl do it its rasist? makes u think #whitelivesmatter
you wuld think the next show wuld at leest be called “no ofence” smgdh
I heard they were going to call it “N*****ish,” but they worried that white people wouldn’t be able to talk about it, let alone watch it.
As an Irish, (lapsed) Catholic, I say (type?) this with fully sincerity and honesty: triple fuck Notre Dame in the dickhole with a dull, rusty prison shiv.
Introducing The New Family Sized Notre Derp
“Any DERP you can do, I can HERP better!” — UVa
Jays up 9-5 in the 11th.
My English Civil War history is a little rusty but weren’t Cavaliers and the Irish on friendly terms.
Gentlemen.
The weather’s started to cool off here, finally, and I’m enjoying a nice Belgian-style scotch ale as I watch Northwestern perform a televised execution of Eastern Illinois. What’s good?
An asteroid landing on South Bend, Indiana.
We learned that Jacksonville St. will be ranked in the top 20 next week after they almost beat Auburn, since there is no way preseason rankings are wrong when it comes to an SEC team.
oh, there will be dipshits who don’t drop Aubie at all (let alone the 10-15 slots they deserve) because “hey, they WON didn’t they” which is why FUCK the voting system.
Oh, Vanderbilt. NEVAR CHANGE!
US Open winner retires after receiving 3 million dollar cheque. Good luck, person that made a great decision.
Yankees walk/wild pitch the go ahead run in… delicious.
Three walked in runs THIS INNING. Yankees running scared.
Those guys are pussies!!!11!!
and they still gots another whole game to play, in front of angry, booing NYers
US Open winner has a neck tattoo. Good luck getting a job, loser.
Can I go on record to say I hate the prevalence of tattoos in our society.
UR JUS JELLY OF MY SICK INK BRAH
When everyone’s a hipster then no one’s a hipster….
“It was the thing to do at the time! I just wanted to belong!”
-Barbed-Wire Tattoo on Biceps
Hee hee, that always must be the toughest one to explain when you get old. “Grandpa, did you used to be a douchebag?”
It’s a tricky thing, subtly insinuating to my kids that I’ll disown them if they get tattoos, but at the same time letting them know I love them unconditionally.
A neck tattoo is always a poor life choice. 3 out of 4 strippers will even agree with that assessment.
Not that I’m gonna say that to Yadi Molina’s face…
Tell Bengie….he’d laugh and then drink rum to toast the burn of his little bro. And hopefully protect from Yadi’s wrath as well.
Uvula Pancetta -your women’s tennis US Open winner!
…and I’ll have penne alla vodka for my entree.
I got a knack for fucking everything up….
Sorry, that’s all that comes to mind when I hear “Uvula”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxEqmNAA7AU
Now there’s a deep cut.
Mulva?
Notre Derp
I think that one of the greatest “fuck you” in sports is the extra-inning baseball game. There is no foreseeable ending, the unrelenting boredom is extended that much more, less talented players are inserted into the game to do the job that the starters couldn’t get done, it fucks with tv scheduling so that the game you want to see is delayed-all under the ill-conceived guise of “suspense”? SUCK YOU BASEBALL!
College football overtime has a similar potential of unendingness, what now bruh?
But somehow, that’s just badass because FOOTBAW!!
I remember that Ole Miss/Pig Sooey game that went to 7 or 8 OTs. Completely insane.
Not to mention that if they go on a certain undefined amount of time, they suspend the game and tell everyone present “fuck you” and then continue the game at a later date.
TOUCHDOWN UVA
EAT AN ALTER BOY’S PREPUBESCENT COCK, DOMERS
/needs a “Father Flanagan” account to LIKE this post
Those damn shifty royalist dogs.
Notre Dame is so completely loathsome, I’m finding myself actively rooting for UVa. I feel so dirty.
SAME
THE DIRT WON’T COME OFF!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7UxcvQVgDhw
Watching ACC games makes you do things, man. Things you really ain’t fucking proud of.
WVU leads the Fightin’ Fawells, 20-0 at the break.
Bowling Green just beat Xmas Ape’s Maryland Terrapins, 48-27. In College Park. Fuck Maryland.
Taco Bell’s New Fiery Loaded Grillers…. for when you have a vendetta against your asshole and want to put a hit out on it.
Allie LaForce should never be voice only.
Give that sweetheart face time at every chance, you fools.
It’s like they forgot they don’t still have Tracy Wolfson ,, smgdh
Maryland gonna lose to Bowling Green,
No reason to Fear the Turtle, it would seem.
Holy fuckballz….I lost track of that one. BG taking them to the woodshed.
I’m so happy.
Cavaliers lucky they’re not getting BTFO by the Irish right now although 12 points in this game is probably an insurmountable lead.
Jays reliever almost took A-Rod’s head off-I almost kinda liked baseball for a second there.
Even with THAT much help (miracle botched punt play, two personal fouls)…they still can’t even attempt a FG. Gonna be a long fucking season for Vandy.
Confession time: both of my daughters were in marching band. The oldest marched in the Rose Parade, staying sober so I could drop her off at school at 3 in the morning on New year’s fucking eve was delightful. I went to the high school football games to see them in the band and supported, encouraged and cheered for them. And you know what?
I’ve always hated marching bands.Just fucking hate them. I ain’t too keen on parades either.
Confession Time: I took a ton of acid one time and stripped down to my shorts, threw my money away, and swam across the Ottawa River to the Ottawa side of the Ontario/Quebec border.
I think helmet to helmet/targeting definition needs to be revisited. Didn’t appear he was targeting…more of an incidental. Kinda the whole reason for having helmets in the first place, no?
Wow, some shit officiating in Nashville. Ejection for THAT?
Womp, womp (dropped punt snap, runs for life, gets first down).
Will be Vandy’s highlight of the game. They ain’t likely to break 100 total yards for the whole thing.
All-Italian battle in the Women’s US Open Final? Get your shit together, America.
So. Much. Body Hair!
Such a strange name for the Italian tennis mascot…