Football Talk From A Stand Up Comedian

Emcee: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Welcome to the Laff Hole! You guys ready to have some fun? You look like a great crowd! Except this guy, right? He knows what’s up. Hey, where you from Romeo?

Guy Wearing A Wrinkled Polo Shirt: Uh, like, a few miles away.

Emcee: (pregnant pause)

Emcee: Wow, you are a WILD MAN! Hey everyone give it up for this crazy guy right here!

Emcee: (waits for nonexistent applause)

Emcee: Ok, folks, you know our next performer from his many appearances on Judge Joe Brown and from his wacky Facebook page…please, give a warm welcome to Rock Gobbler!!!

Rock: Hey, thanks very much. How bout a nice hand for Joey? No? He sucked?

Guy Wearing A Wrinkled Polo Shirt: (nods sleepily)

Rock: Great! Ok folks, as you may know, I used to have a radio show on KBAL 1170 AM here in The Valley, where I hosted a call-in show every third Sunday from 3:00 to 6:00 AM, and the topic was always FOOTBALL! YEAH! So since we just finished the first week of the season, I’m gonna give you some football knowledge…with a comedic twist!!!

Crowd: (Mostly leaves)

Rock: Must be a small-bladdered crowd, am I right? Well, we’re not waiting for them, but you guys can repeat everything when they get back. Hey, anyone watch the games this weekend? Great stuff! For me, the highlight was watching the Patriots win, and Tom Brady got right to business! If you play that phantasm football you’ll wanna start Tom Brady, because he’s about to BLOW UP!

Smaller Crowd: (Looks puzzled)

Rock: Because of DeflateGate? Opposite of deflate is inflate? Blow up? Ok, you guys are gonna love this next one. So I see the Redskins lost, and that’s good. We don’t need to be encouraging SUNBURN! I mean, skin cancer kills people, am I right people? And here’s this football team, telling us to get out in the SUN? How do these people live with themselves?

Native American In Crowd: Um, that’s not what Redskins-

Rock: Hey, get a loada TONTO here, interrupting my set. Hey keno slobby, go get some firewater and relax.

Native American in Crowd: (glares at comedian, drinks from bottle labeled “Firewater”)

Rock: Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I saw the Bengals won their first game. I mean, really? The Bengals??? Hey, I like “Walk Like An Egyptian” like the next guy, but why are these broads playing football??? Hey, I’m just yankin’ you guys. I know Bengals are actually birds.

Other Guy In Wrinkled Polo Shirt: Heh, good one. Birds.

Rock: (looks puzzled)

Other Guy In Wrinkled Polo Shirt: I mean, Bengals are tigers, so…

Rock: Hey, lookit Marlon Porkins here! Tigers are a baseball team, numbskull. This guy…hey go suck a tiger, idiot.

Tiger Woods In The Audience For Some Reason: (massages his sore knee/foot/back) No thanks.

Rock: Hey, I’m losing control here. Okay, g’night losers. (walks backstage)

Rock: Hey, you’re a veteran, how do you keep control of your audience?

Bill Cosby: Well, first I fix the drinks…