Sunday Gravy With Horatio Cornblower

This here offering is usually handled by Yeah Right, but he quit for the regular season.  Pfft, nobody likes quitter Yeah Right; just ask my liver.

Never fear, however, your ol’ buddy Horatio is no stranger to a grill and he’s here to help you with a delicious, quick and very easy meal that you can throw together at lunch to tide you right through to dinner.  So strap in kids, because today we’re making lime-mango salmon, Horatio style.

What you will need:

A car


A gas grill


A knife and fork

Get in the car and drive to the grocery store.  I’m lucky enough to live relatively near a fresh sea food store so if you’ve got one of them you can them up too.  Walk up to the counter, point to the lime-mango salmon and order as many pieces as you’ll need.  I find 2 5 oz. pieces per adult usually does it.  Take those to the check-out counter and pay for them.  If you’re lucky you’ll walk by a display with Mexican Coca-Cola.  Grab a bottle; that shit’s delicious.  And make sure it’s Coca-Cola. You can get Mexican coke about two blocks from that seafood place I mentioned but that’s another story entirely.

Now go home and take the cover off your grill.  That’s important; trust me you don’t want to turn the grill on with the cover still still on it.  Unless you need a new grill.  Then go for it.  Melted plastic tarp pretty much justifies replacing anything.

Turn the grill on high, let it heat up and then scrape down the grill to get rid of all the scraps you forgot to get rid of the last time you used the grill.  Ignore your better half’s shrill cries about “Why are you cooking those disgusting fish on my grill!?”  First, it’s not her grill.  Second, fish are delicious and only Philistines would think otherwise and third she should be happy that it’s now past noon and I’m only drinking soda.  Also goddammit woman I just bought you a new cutting board that’s off-limits for fish.  There are women in Somalia that would kill for that.  Or for fish for that matter.

Now go back inside, get the fish, put them on the grill, loosen them up with a spatula, close the grill and wander off for 3 minutes.

This is the important part.  At some point in the next three minutes you should remember that you forgot to turn the heat down to slightly above medium and that you are now scorching the shit out of the fish.  Run back outside, throwing open the screen door and leaping off the back stairs.  You should scare the shit out of the outdoor cat at this point, who, even though she hates humanity with every fiber of what she laughingly calls a soul, has wandered out with the idea of getting some if not all of that fish for herself.  I’m not sure this is necessary to the recipe but really, why chance it?  Also that cat is Satan so fuck her.

Open the grill, wave away the smoke and discover that while you have indeed scorched the bejesus out of the salmon it’s actually nearly perfect in the middle so just flip it over for no more than a minute to scorch the other side, then put it on a plate.  Throw the outdoor cat a couple of scraps off the grill unless you want that she-demon to jump you as soon as your back’s turned.

Bring the fish inside, put it on a plate and use a knife and fork to eat it because we’re not savages here.

This recipe works equally well for dinner but I’d replace the soda with a nice grapefruit Sculpin, which is both pretentious and delicious with grilled fish.


Tune in next week when Horatio tries to grill a pizza!

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fmwarnerPorky PrimeMoose -The End Is Well NighBloody LethalHoratio Cornblower Recent comment authors
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Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

This recipe also works with tuna steaks. Mmm tuna steaks.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

I know gas grills are convenient but wood/charcoal taste so much better … just sayin’.

Senor Weaselo

Having both a gas and charcoal grill in the backyard, yes, gas is easier but charcoal is better taste-wise.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

I was in my twenties the first time I used a gas grill. I apologized repeatedly to the guests for how bland everything was.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Charcoal, to me, is a process. Gas grills are barely better than cooking in an oven, but they’re so much easier and faster.

I’m one of those chunk charcoal snobs, though, so maybe my opinions should be taken with a grain of Himalayan smoked salt.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

While I do both, I grill year around and am not going to do charcoal all the time. Unless you use real wood and burn it down to coals or buy really good charcoal you can get a chemical taste. I do like the wood smoke taste of good coals, but one of the things about good coals in the heavy, even heat. To get that from a gas grill you need to add stones and a heavy iron grill surface. The charcoal snobs I’ve met really don’t have the palette and could not tell the difference in a blind taste test, assuming you are not a Bud Light person, of course. Another thing is using mesquite, which gives a nice smoke taste. With all grilling it needs to keep moist and not over-cooked. I like spice and pouring the marinade on the cooking meat, so the grill needs to be scraped out a lot.


Bravo Horatio!
I’m going to post a new tailgate recipe later that also requires some grilling action.
And use charcoal dammit.

Senor Weaselo

Le grill? What the hell is that?

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Shit, take the cover off the grill? First you gotta take the grill out of the box! You forget that part, it doesn’t matter if you have a cover on it or not. Lighting a fire inside a cardboard box is a bitch. Either there’s not enough air in there to keep the fire going, or good lord the cardboard box is on fire! I forgot to take the grill outside first! For the love of Tebow call 9-1-1!!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Boxed grill is inferior.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

Take the goddamn phone out the box!!!


I feel sorry for people that don’t have ready access to Mexican Coca-Cola. Also, Ifor you want to further extend the Lime in the dish, you should try this:

Old School Zero

I can’t wait for the grilled cat season finale.

Senor Weaselo

Hey, we have a whole 20 more weeks before that.