Hey, Cowboys fans! Depressed because yet another season has gone down in flames thanks to your brittle quarterback? Wondering what to do with your Sundays to avoid watching Brandon Weeden shit the bed? Well, here at K-Hel Records, we have your answer! Since he can’t sling a ball for a while, Tony Romo has decided to sling a song! (Wait…sing a slong? Sling a slong?) And he’s covering the greatest hits from rock and roll’s greatest artist: Cat Stevens! Just $9.95 (plus tax, shipping, handling, processing, fees, and livery charges) gets you all of Tony’s favorite Cat-tunes:
Wild World
Now that my collarbone’s broke in two
And the team’s playoff hopes are through
(Kinda bummed that we still have Weeden – our offense is bleedin’)
So if our fans abandon us, I don’t care
‘Cause I’ve got a lot of clothes to wear
And lots of guaranteed dollars from the Jer.
Ooh baby baby, I get piled on
The other guys hate me, because of my smile, girl
Ooh baby baby, I get piled on
And the Cowboys are gonna lose for a while, girl.
Peace Train
Now I was pretty happy lately
Thinking about a playoff run
And I believed we could be
Having some Super Bowl fun
But then there was a bad tackle
And my body began to hurt a ton
And I believed the Cowboys
Were just as good as done.
The feeling along my clavicle
I call the Beast Pain
Gotta start taking lots of pills
To feel mellow again.
Morning Has Broken
Clavicle’s broken like a few years ago
Trainer has spoken: “It don’t look good”
Weeden’s my backup; Weeden is doopy
Jerry would frown now, if only he could.
Yes, feel the pain along with Tony! Act now, and we’ll help you and Ben Carson forget all about Cat Stevens’ new anti-American name!
Weeden’s B-side of “Oh Very Young” promises to be extra soulful.
He bangs his head and lies on the turf
He must be hurt very badly
Now the Boys are playing so sadly
But Doopy’s in store to light up the park
He’s destined to start, oh but trust me
He’ll throw picks cause that’s how it must be
Jerrah Jerrah, sad Jerrah Jerrah
I hope all of you are aware that the Cowboys have signed Matt Cassel, Matt fucking Cassel, to be Weeden’s backup.
Matt Cassel, a man who lost his job to a post-Cleveland Brady Quinn, a man who could not beat out Christian Ponder and Josh Freeman for a starting job. That Matt Cassel. I don’t really think Kellen Clemens will be a good NFL QB, but he really can’t be any worse, can he. Matt Cassel, a man who spent his college career as a back up at USC, he was beaten out of the job by a younger Matt Leinart. Matt Cassel, is that really the best that is available. I’d rather have Dave Krieg, Vinnie Testaverde, or the Kubs today as my backup.
John Kitna probably didn’t want to ditch school.
And a bonus track:
A rendition of Cats in the Cradle sung by c-list celebrity Breckin Meyer who looks and sounds enough like Tony that noone will ever know he sang it!
Well the dopples been gangled
And my smile too
Could star in a movie
Just playing you
When you gonna play Tony?
Don’t know when.
Might be never again, Breck,
Maybe never againnnnnnn
I had a “Cat’s In The Cradle” take-off involving RGIII rattling around in my head earlier today, but I think I’ll shelve it now. This is better than I would have come up with.
This made me think of “If you want to sing out, sing out” which instantly cast Romo as Harold and all these season ending injuries are just cries for attention from his rich and vacant head of the family (Jerrah).
Maybe he’ll start funeral-crashing with Virginia McCaskey.
When I saw that image of Tony Romo wearing a fratty white hat endorsing “golfdogs.com”, I assumed that this was an announcement of his greatest hits album, “The Essential Tony Romo”.
The worst part about this was some hysterical housewife heard Romo was playing “Yusuf Islam” music down at K-Hel Records and called the police, and when the cops got there they saw his wristwatch and arrested him because they thought it was a bomb.
Sneaky — I would have thought Catler would be covering Cat Stevens (and Romo maybe Jessica Simpson?).
I guess Catler should take a page from Ryan Adams and cover Taylor Swift as most Bears fans think he should just shake it off.
Actually Jay Cutler prefers the music of Cat Power.
https://youtu.be/F2Jko4Ipdrs
I should have presented this in riddle form: What is Jay Cutler’s favorite musician AND his superhero ability that allows him to maintain complete indifference to anything that is happening around him?
Peter Criss and Quaaludes?
No, but I like the way you think.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsYUNkhhta0
For background purposes…